The Fear

[kittypaws]

Trapped in one's own body
that for years danced.
Now buried in a living tomb
A shell of worthless flesh.

The panic that rises;
Screaming, Screaming inside.
Falling on deaf ears,
In a chamber of emptiness.

The agony climbs
When one's breaths
Can not express life.
Waiting, praying for death.



Kittypaws

[Hawkman]

Not bad kitty, a very respectable effort. You need an apostrophe in one's though, and I'm not sure about the capitalisation of the second screaming, but it's a mature and very readable poem. Liked it.

Live and be well - H

[kittypaws]

Thanks H.

I had a problem with a couple of the lines so I have revised it. Hope it is an improvement!

kitty

[Delta40]

You're scaring me Kitty! It's like being buried alive...(spine shiver) very effective piece.

[Hawkman]

I can't remember exactly how it was, but I suspect it might have been better to have left it alone. "When one's breath" would read more cleanly, but the repetition of 'one's' gives the the tone a slightly self-conscious, almost mocking slant which at varience with the message.

"The agony climbs
when breath
cannot express life,
waiting, praying for death."

Is much stronger.

Best - H

[Bar22do]

One's worst fate possible... how scary and - very effective, Kitty.