Sex Ed

[WolfLarsen]

Sex Ed
a short story by Wolf Larsen

It was the first day of our sex ed class in high school in some typical American city.

Many of us were hoping we were about to learn what we had been doing wrong all these years. Some – who had become pregnant along the way – were no longer with us. The principal had kicked them out of high school for getting pregnant. In fact, back in junior high some of the females had gotten kicked out for getting pregnant.

We all sat there quietly and very already to learn! The teacher had our attention 110%! Perhaps for the first time ever the teacher had the undivided attention of every student in class.

Our minds were full of questions. What were we going to learn today? Perhaps finally we were going to learn something useful in school for once! You could feel the air in that classroom so thick with curiosity, with that hunger to learn!

We watched the teacher's every move. We watched as she picked up a piece of chalk and begin writing on the blackboard in big white letters: ABSTINENCE

Our hearts sank. From that very moment you could feel the attention of the students drift away... Suddenly you could hear the voices of the students gossiping away. Others began looking out the window and got lost in their daydreams. I took out a book I'd gotten from the public library and began reading.

I don't think anybody was paying attention to the teacher as she began, "Abstinence is the best way to..."

Copyright 2012 by Wolf Larsen

[Jack of Hearts]

Erm, how is this a short story? Your other one about Alaska was much better. This is readable in the same sense a facebook post is readable- this reader was amused for half a second, and then it was over and the 'punchline' or the 'take away' was about as strong as lukewarm tapwater. It seems to bank on sex being 'taboo' or 'edgy' but what people are really interested in. So the 'story' (?) is twenty years too late for that.

But hey, at least it's intelligible (come on, that's a legitimate critique here).








J

[Darcy88]

Sex Ed
a short story by Wolf Larsen

It was the first day of our sex ed class in high school in some typical American city.

Many of us were hoping we were about to learn what we had been doing wrong all these years. Some – who had become pregnant along the way – were no longer with us. The principal had kicked them out of high school for getting pregnant. In fact, back in junior high some of the females had gotten kicked out for getting pregnant.

We all sat there quietly and very already to learn! The teacher had our attention 110%! Perhaps for the first time ever the teacher had the undivided attention of every student in class.

Our minds were full of questions. What were we going to learn today? Perhaps finally we were going to learn something useful in school for once! You could feel the air in that classroom so thick with curiosity, with that hunger to learn!

We watched the teacher's every move. We watched as she picked up a piece of chalk and begin writing on the blackboard in big white letters: ABSTINENCE

Our hearts sank. From that very moment you could feel the attention of the students drift away... Suddenly you could hear the voices of the students gossiping away. Others began looking out the window and got lost in their daydreams. I took out a book I'd gotten from the public library and began reading.

I don't think anybody was paying attention to the teacher as she began, "Abstinence is the best way to..."

Copyright 2012 by Wolf Larsen

I agree with Jack. The Alaska story was infinitely superior. It was nice to read something intelligible from you though.

In my high school they provided extra support for teenage mothers. And I don't really see what is wrong with teaching abstinence, so long as its not all they teach.

[YesNo]

I think you described this well. It kept my attention.

This line seemed redundant: "In fact, back in junior high some of the females had gotten kicked out for getting pregnant." But the rest was interesting.

[Mutatis-Mutandis]

For such a short piece, couldn't you proofread and avoid grammatical errors like, "and very already to learn"?

Plus, I don't get the story. The message is passé, the prose dull, and the imagery uninspired. Plus, the exclamation points are quite annoying.

[WolfLarsen]

"Grammatical errors" are good! I encourage other writers to make as many "grammatical errors" as possible! Unless of course your writing a book on used car repair!

In fact, I think it's time for a new literary movement! What we need is a new literary movement which I will call Grammatical-Errorism! Or maybe since it might already have been done we can call it Neo-Grammatical-Errorism!

Long live Neo-Grammatical-Errorism!

[Mutatis-Mutandis]

Please. You're now claiming your grammatical error was on purpose? Yours ludicrous, Wolf. I'm done reading your crap.

[BookBeauty]

Although your upbeat and enthusiastic attitude is refreshing, perhaps you should be respectful towards individuals who are attempting to read and review your work with you.

You don't have to like it, or agree, but I think that we can all stand to grow and learn as individuals by opening up the door to others, instead of closing it shut-tight, and refusing to accept any new ideas within.

You have often written about paving the literary world with a new venture, breaking out of the mold, so to speak.

But, as anyone who has begun literary movements, or artistic movements will tell you: Learn the rules before you break them.

And the ones who really made a difference? They were usually respectful and open to feedback, whether constructive or not.

I do apologize for this side rant.

This short story seems rather scant, (Yay for random rhyme) but it works.

What I garner from it is that our school systems are all rather industrialized, churning out the educated in mass production lines, with the same old approaches. Perhaps if any subject, let alone sexual education, was taught in a more exciting and approachable way, children would actually learn instead of simply regurgitating memorized lines.

[WolfLarsen]

Long live Neo-Grammatical-Errorism!

[Darcy88]

Long live Neo-Grammatical-Errorism!

Some erroneous grammar works, some doesn't. Yours doesn't.


We all sat there quietly and very already to learn!

Awkward stuff like that just trips the reader up and give the impression that the author is not a serious writer. If that's what you're going for then by all means...

[Bonsai Ent]

For what it's worth, quick demonstration of how I'd edit this if the task fell on my head


Sex Ed
a short story by Wolf Larsen

It was the first day of our sex ed class in high school in some typical American city.


I'd cut out all the underlined bits.

I'd rephrase most of the following:



Many of us were hoping we were about to learn what we had been doing wrong all these years.


As something like:



"Today we were being promoted from the ranks of enthusiastic amateurs."




Some – who had become pregnant along the way – were no longer with us. The principal had kicked them out of high school for getting pregnant. In fact, back in junior high some of the females had gotten kicked out for getting pregnant.


And that as something like


Today we'd discover the pitfalls of those pregnant teens, hastily removed from academia and expunged from the yearbooks.

So you'd have:



First day of sex-ed class.
Today we were being promoted from the ranks of enthusiastic amateurs. Today we'd discover the pitfalls of those pregnant teens, hastily removed from academia and expunged from the yearbooks.

Keep it short, sweet and don't beat the joke to death basically.

I'm sure you don't want my opinion on your grammar, but it might be worth asking yourself why you want errors in there, what is it adding to your prose?

[WolfLarsen]

seX Ed
a short story by Wolf Larsen

First day It was the - first day! First day! First day! - Of our sex ed class??-, In high school I think it was in some typical American city. Typical American city! tY pica L-ame riCan- citY!
?!,/,...

Many of us -many many many! Were hoping hoping hoping we were about to learn leeeeaaaaarrrrrrrnnn what we had been doing wrong all these years!. Some – who had become along the way pregnant – were us no longer with with. With!

The principal had kicked kiiiiiiiicked them out of high school for getting pregnant. PREGNANT! In fact, back in junior high some of the females had gotten! Kicked! Out! For! Getting! preGnaaaAAAAaaanT. Pregnant?
P,r,e,g,n aaaa n t ?

We all sat there quietly QUIETLY , and
very ready to learn! Very very!
Learn very!
Learn learn???

The teacher had our atTentiOn 110%! perhA,ps for the first!!!! Time ever the teacher had the undiv ide d att ent ion of, every, student, in, class

Our mMmiiiiiii-ind-d-d-d-s were full of quUuestions - quUuestions - quUuestions!. What were we gooOOooing to leEEEEEarn today?,/?? Perhaps - per?Haps fin?Ally w?E we?Re goi?Ng to le?Arn something use?Ful use?Ful use?Ful in school for once!, You could feeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeel the air in that classroom so thiiiiiiiiiiiiiiick with currRrriosity, with that hunger to learn!

Giddyup learn! Giddyup learn! Giddyup learn!

We watched watched watched the teacher's e, v, e, r, y mo, ve. We wa!tched wa!tched wa!tched as.. She... Picked... Up... A... Piece... Of... Chalk... And begin writing on the blackboard in big white letters: A-B-S-T-I-N-E-N-C-E

Our hearts sank From that very moment you could feel the attention of the students drift away Suddenly you could hear the voices of the students gossiping away Others began looking out the window and got lost in their daydreams I took out a book I'd gotten from the public library and began reading

I don't think anybody was… Bleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeuuuuurrroooooop!
Excuse me.

Copyright 2012 by Wolf Larsen

Now Playing: Neo-Grammatical-Errorism!

[Delta40]

I only really like the line: Giddyup learn! Giddyup learn! Giddyup learn!:beatdeadhorse5:

[BookBeauty]

So, WolfLarsen...

I'm guessing that, because you tried very hard to write a good short story, and the response was an attempt to help your piece's progress, you decided to turn it into a joke.

That way, no one can take the original piece seriously any longer, because it must mean that you don't really care, and you're off the hook.

I think you do care, and are likely an incredibly sensitive, insecure individual.

You don't need to be afraid of us, you know. You can put your work out here, without making a joke out of it. We're just here to try to help. :)

[AuntShecky]

Abstinence makes the hard get fondered.

[Darcy88]

seX Ed
a short story by Wolf Larsen

First day It was the - first day! First day! First day! - Of our sex ed class??-, In high school I think it was in some typical American city. Typical American city! tY pica L-ame riCan- citY!
?!,/,...

Many of us -many many many! Were hoping hoping hoping we were about to learn leeeeaaaaarrrrrrrnnn what we had been doing wrong all these years!. Some – who had become along the way pregnant – were us no longer with with. With!

The principal had kicked kiiiiiiiicked them out of high school for getting pregnant. PREGNANT! In fact, back in junior high some of the females had gotten! Kicked! Out! For! Getting! preGnaaaAAAAaaanT. Pregnant?
P,r,e,g,n aaaa n t ?

We all sat there quietly QUIETLY , and
very ready to learn! Very very!
Learn very!
Learn learn???

The teacher had our atTentiOn 110%! perhA,ps for the first!!!! Time ever the teacher had the undiv ide d att ent ion of, every, student, in, class

Our mMmiiiiiii-ind-d-d-d-s were full of quUuestions - quUuestions - quUuestions!. What were we gooOOooing to leEEEEEarn today?,/?? Perhaps - per?Haps fin?Ally w?E we?Re goi?Ng to le?Arn something use?Ful use?Ful use?Ful in school for once!, You could feeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeel the air in that classroom so thiiiiiiiiiiiiiiick with currRrriosity, with that hunger to learn!

Giddyup learn! Giddyup learn! Giddyup learn!

We watched watched watched the teacher's e, v, e, r, y mo, ve. We wa!tched wa!tched wa!tched as.. She... Picked... Up... A... Piece... Of... Chalk... And begin writing on the blackboard in big white letters: A-B-S-T-I-N-E-N-C-E

Our hearts sank From that very moment you could feel the attention of the students drift away Suddenly you could hear the voices of the students gossiping away Others began looking out the window and got lost in their daydreams I took out a book I'd gotten from the public library and began reading

I don't think anybody was… Bleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeuuuuurrroooooop!
Excuse me.

Copyright 2012 by Wolf Larsen

Now Playing: Neo-Grammatical-Errorism!

Thus you merely prove the point and the value of rules, which is the exact opposite of what you intended.

[WolfLarsen]

Ed Sex
a story short by Wolf Larsen

It was the day first of sex ed our class in high school in some American typical city.

Many of were us hoping were we about learn to we what had been doing wrong years all these. Some – who had pregnant become along the way –no were longer with us. The principal kicked had them out of school high for pregnant getting. fact In, in back junior high some of the had females kicked gotten out for pregnant getting.

all We there sat quietly very and already to learn! The teacher our attention had 110%! Perhaps for the time first ever the teacher the had attention undivided of student every in class.

minds Our were questions full of. were What we to going learn today? finally we Perhaps going were to learn useful something in once! School for could You feel air the in that so thick classroom with curiosity, with that learn to hunger!

the teacher's every move We watched. Piece of chalk as a and begin writing on the in big white letters blackboard: ABSTINENCE

sank Our hearts. very moment From that could feel you the attention of the students drift away... hear the voices Suddenly you could of the students gossiping away. the window and got lost looking out in their daydreams Others began. Out a book I took I'd gotten from the public library reading began and.

paying attention I don't think anybody was to the teacher as she began, "Abstinence is the best way to..."

Copyright 2012 by Wolf Larsen