A Sad Truth

[BookBeauty]

Gazing at you,
Looking at me
Perched on a twig,
Singing of sky

Cute little eye,
Sweet tiny wing
Am I, to you,
An ugly thing?

On the earth squirming,
Gossamer torn out
Kids stuck a pick through,
A bumblebee's gut

Tossed a cat down,
A garbage shoot
Laughter's a crown,
Away they scoot

Fly from me,
My little friend
My kin wish you,
A tortured end.

[Hawkman]

You need to keep an eye on the rhythm of a piece like this. When the metre stumbles it really disrupts the flow. In S1 you can drop the definite article in the last line and in the last verse you can drop 'for'.

The biggest problem in in S3 which doesn't actually make much sense and as the poem seems to be about a bird in the begining, the reference to singing is more readily associated with birds, the shift to bumble bee is a bit of a wrench. I'd recommend re writing S3 or dropping it altogether.

Live and be well - H

[BookBeauty]

I attempted to fix it. :) Hope this helps clarify. It's sort of in the process of being transformed. I just had to get it down before I forgot my reflections. Thanks for your thoughts, Hawkman! They are most helpful.

[cacian]

BookBeauty this a beauty haha!!!
These lines are perfect

Gazing at you,
Looking at me
Perched in a bush,
Singing of sky

Cute little eye,
Sweet tiny wing
Am I, to you,
An ugly thing?

Thank you for a brilliant read.

[Charles Darnay]

I don't think the bee is too intrusive, you make it clear that there is a shift in focus in S 3-4

The line "perched in a bush" could be changed. In both image and sound it does not seem to fit within the first two stanzas. Not to mention that it's very hard to perch in a bush due to lack of branches.

I thought stanza 2 was wonderful!

[BookBeauty]

Thank you so much, cacian! Having read and admired your poems, your compliment means a great deal to me.

And Charles Darnay, It actually didn't make much sense before, as I added the fourth stanza as an afterthought. The poem's been morphing. I changed 'bush', to 'branch', and then to 'twig'. I think it fits much better, thank you. :) The 2nd stanza was the first I thought of. It was this beautiful little piece that some quiet, invisible muse gave me. The only part of the poem worth reading, to me, even though it's so simple.

If anyone was wondering... I passed by a bush filled with sparrows today. That's what inspired me. There must have been 40 of them, all crowded on this bush. Half of them, the closest ones, flew to the farthest end of the bush as I paused to look at them. I continued in pause, and many flew away. And it made me think of stories I was told, of kids being cruel to animals. I've often wondered: Do animals flee from us because we're bigger than they are, instinctively, or because they instinctively know that humans in particular have a tendency to enjoy cruelty? It was in that vein this poem was written.

[Charles Darnay]

The 2nd stanza was the first I thought of. It was this beautiful little piece that some quiet, invisible muse gave me.

Well, try to keep Euterpe close to you!