Boo by the sea

[Jerrybaldy]

Upon Paignton pier on a winters day,
half hearted, half open,
winkles on special, whelks out of stock,
we walked on frosted planks,
past ice cream signs, lit by a watery sun.
On a beach with no chairs,
no laughter, no buckets, no spades,
we strolled wrapped in scarves,
with dreams of a warm café
and a hug from a hot mug of tea.
Sleeping arcades offered no jackpots
a sign politely ordered, not to feed the gulls,
a poster declared who was coming
to the Playhouse, last May.
An ambulance parked on the prom
awaited a pensioners fall.
A hand rail flaked white paint,
as we followed a bleak shore
with an optimism you found,
amidst the February grey.
That’s the warmth,
that you gifted to me.
Neon in hibernation, no music,
as you held my gloved hand
I dreamt of the
summers we planned ,
whilst etching our names
with a chilled flotsam branch
in the sand.

[Delta40]

Absolutely beautiful. I love the beach portrait you've painted here Jerry. So English that I'm suddenly freezing here in my shorts and singlet! You're a great artist when it comes to imagery and I especially enjoyed the lines:

we strolled wrapped in scarves,
with dreams of a warm café
and a hug from hot mug of tea.
Sleeping arcades offered no jackpots
a sign politely ordered not to feed the gulls
and a poster declared who was coming,
to the Playhouse, last May.

[BookBeauty]

I'm liking all the positive poems lately. This one is exceptional. I love the little images that I pull out of the words you paint. :)

[Hawkman]

This is an extaordinarily gentle poem JB with so many good lines I'd have to write out nearly all of it to list them. However, the opening is a bit of a mess. The first line would be better as the title. As it stands, the opening sentence is too long with too many subordinate clauses which confuse the narrative. If you just cut it out it reads so much better. I'd also cut today from the end of line 6. I'd put a stanza break here too. I'm no sure about 4 nos in succession but I'd leave it alone.

"and a hug from hot mug of tea." either needs another a or you could word it:

"and hugs from hot mugs of tea."

I think you need a stanza break here.

"Sleeping arcades offered no jackpots,
a sign politely ordered (us) not to feed the gulls,
and a poster declared who was coming
to the Playhouse last May."

you need commas at the ends of the first two lines here, an us, and you don't need the comma before 'last May."

"An ambulance parked on the prom
awaited a pensioners fall."

is a nice line but it's kind of stuck on, an afterthought, it doesn't flow from the narrative. I'd cut it and start a new stanza with "A handrail flaked white paint..."

"in an optimism you found" would read better as "with an optimism"

The biggest problem is at the end where you have over-cooked the "and" end-rhyme. see if you can lose a couple, I'd start with "stand". Try this: New stanza:

"Neon in hibernation, no music
as you held my gloved hand
and I dreamt of summer
whilst etching our names
with a chilled flotsam branch
in sand."

I don't think this is a perfect solution btw, but it does give a pointer to how you might want to play with it.

Overall I like the imagery here, the tone is appropriately reflective and as I said, there are some outstanding lines.

Live and be well - H

[Jerrybaldy]

Thank you Delta and Book Beauty, I am glad you enjoyed.

Hawkman you are a tough Cookie with lots of good points, I have taken some on board as you can see and may change some more. Will explain more tomorow, it is late, but my thanks for taking the time and for your insight.

Boo is the person I spent the previous day with and this is an account of that day and written for her first and foremost and as a poem secondarily , which may explain things like the ambulance. I love to write of being by the sea, you may have noticed :) but this time its a true account.

Thanks once again, my friend.
JerryB

[Jack of Hearts]

Liked it JB.






J

[MystyrMystyry]

This is cool because it is full
It reads like it was written by a complete person

[Haunted]

Last year's poster, peeling paint...all these details of realism are your special signature. And how tender, as you held my gloved hand.

[AuntShecky]

In addition to the vivid description of a seaside resort deserted in the off-season, there is an inherent emotional context to the melancholy nostalgia with the brightening prospect of sunnier seasons to come.

You know, the following may not have been a "conscious" intention on your part --despite the fact that often some feature pops up in something we've written that we never thought about when we were writing about, BUT--
there is an almost palatable texture to this verse, a layer in which the form actually "does" what the poem is saying. By this I mean, the consonants in the earlier parts of the poem are "hard," somber, even--look at how many of your nouns end in "k"--" the comedian's friend." The later sections of the poem actually have softer-sounding consonants--"s" sounds,
almost like a gentle surf.

So-- on the list of things that makes your poems unique, where I put "a strong voice" at number one, add sound effects!

PS I'm not b.s.ing you!

[Jerrybaldy]

Thank you Jack.
MM a complete person?? Hmmm
Haunted. I am glad you saw the tenderness. Can't be dark alll the time :D

Hello Auntie.
Must have posted at the same time there. I could lie and say it was a conscious effort. Thank you for such a considered response. I appreciate it Miss Fawcett. No b.s either :)

[kittypaws]

Thank you Delta and Book Beauty, I am glad you enjoyed.


Boo is the person I spent the previous day with and this is an account of that day and written for her first and foremost and as a poem secondarily , which may explain things like the ambulance. I love to write of being by the sea, you may have noticed :) but this time its a true account.

Thanks once again, my friend.
JerryB

JerryB You have found the key....write what makes your heart sing and I bet this flowed sooo smoothly from You.

I enjoyed it thoroughly!!

Very vivid descriptions so I could picture it....nice feel to your poem.

kittypaws

[Bar22do]

In the contrary to what you've previously announced to us, your poetry only gains from your love warmed heart...!!! it's a great poem, Jerry, its authentic voice enriched both with your talent and your feelings... One that I qualify for the "Favorites"!

[Jack of Hearts]

In the contrary to what you've previously announced to us, your poetry only gains from your love warmed heart...!!! it's a great poem, Jerry, its authentic voice enriched both with your talent and your feelings... One that I qualify for the "Favorites"!

Seconded.






J

[Jerrybaldy]

Kitty, you may well be right, time wil tell. thank you.
Bar and Jack thank you so much for imagining and for posting and for thinking it worthy of a favourites post.
loveage
JerryB

[ShadowsCool]

Nice concise usage of words and poignant images too. Nice job done on this!

[Jack of Hearts]

This one was quite good.






J

[Jack of Hearts]

You stinker. You out-did yourself.





J

[Jerrybaldy]

Are you sending me a message here Jack?

[hallaig]

Upon Paignton pier on a winters day,
half hearted, half open,
winkles on special, whelks out of stock,
we walked on frosted planks,

Upon sounds a bit artificial, and you'ver chose it so there's not 2 ons?
'A winter's day on paignton pier,
half....'
Also the way it's written we're not sure whether it's the pier that's 'half hearted, half open', or 'we'

past ice cream signs, lit by a watery sun.
On a beach with no chairs,
no laughter, no buckets, no spades,

i find this a bit overblown. I'd be tempted just to say 'on an empty beach'

we strolled wrapped in scarves,
with dreams of a warm café
and a hug from a hot mug of tea.

'dreaming of...'?

Sleeping arcades offered no jackpots
a sign politely ordered, not to feed the gulls,

no comma after 'ordered'

a poster declared who was coming
to the Playhouse, last May.
An ambulance parked on the prom
awaited a pensioners fall.
A hand rail flaked white paint,
as we followed a bleak shore
with an optimism you found,
amidst the February grey.

'A handrail flaked paint as you followed..'? I'd prefer a new sentence, 'As we followed...you found optimism in the February grey'

That’s the warmth,
that you gifted to me.
Neon in hibernation, no music,
as you held my gloved hand
I dreamt of the
summers we planned ,

can you dream of summers you've planned? 'Summers to come'? 'Summers to plan'?

whilst etching our names
with a chilled flotsam branch

'chilled flotsam branch' bit of a mouthful

in the sand.

Like this, my kind of poem, lines of description building atmosphere and image. I would say it could be even more effective with a wee bit paring and honing. Well done