In Rememberance of Man

[ShadowsCool]

In Rememberance of Man

Man with his eye
On the prize,
Aware of little
Beyond his demise.

Cold hearted man
When the curtain is drawn,
He saved his world
For another round.

His echo a thud,
His ripple non existent.
His claim to fame
The watery grave.

Long forgotten,
No longer cherished,
They mock his ways,
Celebrate his death.

His admiration: self,
His curse: God,
Who he left to hang
The bitter night.

And so his mind is weary,
His thoughts absent,
As he enters the final place
A lost spirit.

[Hawkman]

Hi Shadows: to be honest I find this a little sparse. now i know sparse is what you were going for but this is a bit too sparse to make coherent sense. Also the opening verse's end rhyme has become isolated and sticks out like a sore thumb when the scheme has been abandoned in the subsequent verses. You might want to revisit S1 and un-rhyme it for the sake of consistency. Also you need to keep an eye on grammar: eg.

"His admiration: self,
His curse: God,
Who he left to hang
The bitter night."

This would make more sense and read better as:

"He admires himself
and curses God
Whom he has left to hang
(in) the bitter night."

Not sure about the in but i'm not sure what your intention was here. are you saying man leaves god to hang (up) the night, which is bitter? See what i mean, the sparseness is confusing and when there are obvious errors, intent is difficult to discern. the reader is left guessing.

Anyway, keep plugging away.

Live and be well - H

[ShadowsCool]

Not sure about the in but i'm not sure what your intention was here. are you saying man leaves god to hang (up) the night, which is bitter? See what i mean, the sparseness is confusing and when there are obvious errors, intent is difficult to discern. the reader is left guessing.

Anyway, keep plugging away.

Live and be well - H

Hawkman, thank you for reviewing my poem and taking the time to point out some weaknesses I tend to have. I shall keep plugging away in hopes of getting it together.

Shadows

[Mutatis-Mutandis]

I like S4 the way it is--changing it would make it less original, and therefore, for me, less compelling. I've never nitpicked over grammar in poetry, seems kind of silly.

I do agree that you need to get rid of the rhyme in S1, though. It had me expecting rhyme, and when I didn't get it, I was expecting slant rhyme, and it left me looking for what wasn't there, which was a bit of a distraction.

Overall, I found it good, though.