Fragment

[aliengirl]

A dainty teacup in her hand
and a smile on her lips,
she leaned over the rail
gazing down at her garden in bloom.
A slight breeze tickled the buds,
dallied with her curls,
gently reminding her of
the faint stirrings in her womb.
Her home was her heaven,
all was right with the world.

"Won't you come over?
It's heavenly out here."
A shuffle of feet,
the scent of cologne,
arms twined around
her willowy waist,
lips over her lips
sucking her breath away,
a fleeting tussle and
she was over the rails.

Twisted, she lay
in a bed of roses.
Through a congealed red pool
shards of white china twinkled back
at two cunning eyes gleaming
from the darkness above.

[ShadowsCool]

I did enjoy the poem as a whole.

Esp: A slight breeze tickled the buds,
dallied with her curls,
gently reminding her of
the faint stirrings in her womb.

Having said that. The only part I got a little lost is stanza 2. Shuffle of feet onward. The poem seem to lose track. It just seemed to speed up. I didn't see her shuffle of feet. Perhaps if you explained before hand that it was "her" shuffle of feet? I don't know. One has to re-read stanza 2 to know what I'm saying.

But the poem as a whole was enjoyable and very descriptive. Lots of visuals.

Shadows

[Delta40]

That was a short story AG! The first line of the poem lent instant meaning to the title and I knew at some stage the teacup would be smashed. I don't know how to review it as a poem since you've peaked my interest in the sinister character who threw her over the rails and I want to know more dammit! So I can at least say what a great job you've done in stirring my interest and frustrating me at the same time!

[PrinceMyshkin]

I have to second Delta! The narrative is told so economically but there is so much we can only conjecture at. I'm assuming that the progenitor of her embryo has killed her rather than risk the shame of what he did?

The tea cup is a masterful detail in both its appearances.

[Hawkman]

Hello Ripley, what a skillfully crafted sinister tale you given us to read. A compelling narrative delivered with the lightest of touches. I'm actually rather impressed with this.

There is one thing which might perhaps benefit from a minor change. "a smile over her lips," 'over' is not the right word here; 'on' or 'hovering on' would be more appropriate. By no means essential, but something to consider, would be to trim the odd extraneous word at the begining.

"A dainty teacup in her hand,
a smile on her lips,
she leaned over the rail
gazing down at her garden in bloom."

I'd recommend altering the beginning of S2 like this:

"A shuffle of feet,
the scent of cologne,"

and alter sucked to sucking as there is a slight confusion of tenses, especially if you follow my suggestion for the end of the stanza. I'm not too keen on the repetition of "over the rails" at the end of S2. I'd be inclined to rework this so as not to mention over or rail again, but concentrate on the fall. "and she is falling." is much more dramtic anyway.

I'm inclined to agree with Delta in that I crave a reason for this violent act. The woman is obviously not very pregnant as her waist is described as, 'willowy'. Is the killer the father? does he even know she's pregnant? The reader is left to construct their own back-story and speculate on motive. As I said, it's an acomplished piece of work.

Live and be well - H

[aliengirl]

Thank you all for your appreciation. :)

Shadows - Glad you enjoyed it.


The only part I got a little lost is stanza 2. Shuffle of feet onward. The poem seem to lose track. It just seemed to speed up. I didn't see her shuffle of feet. Perhaps if you explained before hand that it was "her" shuffle of feet? I don't know. One has to re-read stanza 2 to know what I'm saying.

May be you'd care to look what Delta and Prince have to say. They got what i meant to convey. You need to read it from a different perspective, it's not her feet.

Delta and Prince - We think along similar lines, don't we? :D


The first line of the poem lent instant meaning to the title and I knew at some stage the teacup would be smashed.

Good! I was quite worried about the title. And you did notice the teacup after all. Keen eyes Delta!


The narrative is told so economically but there is so much we can only conjecture at. I'm assuming that the progenitor of her embryo has killed her rather than risk the shame of what he did?

Well, I tried rather hard not to mention him at all. It's up to the reader to imagine him and his motives. I just have to say that this poem is inspired by a recent incident in my neighborhood. Of course, there is no similarity in detail.

Hawk -

A compelling narrative delivered with the lightest of touches. I'm actually rather impressed with this.

Thanks a lot. I'll incorporate some changes suggested by you. I was in a fix whether to choose "on" or "over" in L2. You've solved my problem.


The woman is obviously not very pregnant as her waist is described as, 'willowy'.

Wow, you saw it. I knew there are intelligent readers out here. :D

[MystyrMystyry]

Strange subject, and unexpected from you, though now you've clarified it's inspiration it makes more sense to me. Good work Alien Girl! :)

[Maximilianus]

In my humble opinion this wonderful poem has more than enough elements to be a story's prologue, probably one where every chapter could be a poem in itself http://i1005.photobucket.com/albums/af178/maxicastro/Smileys/smiley_emoticons_thumbs-up_new.gif :)

[aliengirl]

Strange subject, and unexpected from you, though now you've clarified it's inspiration it makes more sense to me. Good work Alien Girl! :)

Thanks a lot MM. :) I do sometimes surprise myself.

[aliengirl]

In my humble opinion this wonderful poem has more than enough elements to be a story's prologue, probably one where every chapter could be a poem in itself http://i1005.photobucket.com/albums/af178/maxicastro/Smileys/smiley_emoticons_thumbs-up_new.gif :)

Your remark is highly cherished my dear. :)

[tonywalt]

Brilliant...you could really use this as the frame to do your novel, or short story.

I think you have your own niche here combining beauty with tragedy!

[aliengirl]

Thank you tony for dropping by. :) Hmmm... I must seriously consider about turning it into a short story.

[Maximilianus]

Your remark is highly cherished my dear. :)
http://smiles.kolobok.us/personal/hi.gif