Horse, brook and fox

[DieterM]

Rainbow kiss
On the tip of my nose
When I rose late,
Saddled my horse,
My honey guide

Sweet the wind
On the dew of my lips
As I rode on
Toward the sheep
In the dying red

Blithe and fresh
Danced the half-shadowed brook
By our wet flanks,
Babbling of bliss
On his carefree jaunt

Chestnut fox
Joined the race for a while
Running with us
Until we reached
The blood-crusted edge

Where the day
Breathes a twilight good-bye
And I dismount,
Patting my horse,
And disappear in

The joy of naught…

[AuntShecky]

Now this is more like it!

Your speaker must've ridden all day, right, from the rainbow kiss and red of dawn to sunset.The only objection is your descript. of the sunset as "blood-crusted." I'd try to think of something fresher than blood. Maybe we need a new term other than twilight, since that movie series
ruined it.

Other than that, this is fine. Doesn't try to do too much in order to present its own elegant simplicity.

[Buh4Bee]

I loved this! As Auntie said- it doesn't exceed the limits of the pastoral beauty of the day and try to become something dramatic or epic. It's balanced.

[qimissung]

I like it a great deal, too. I agree with b4b, very balanced, and with Aunt Shecky-the blood crusted thing sounds like it snuck in from another poem.

[DieterM]

Thank you all for reading & commenting, and thanks Auntie for pointing out the weak spots. As soon as I read it, I though, "Gee, she's right", and I've been trying to find something less dramatic ever since. Btw, and shame blooms on my cheeks (lol), I rather like the Twilight saga, in my own kind of retarded, post-gloomy teenager way (the movies, mind you; haven't read the books so far). The only thing I never understood is why that girl character always leaves her mouth open; I gather she wants to express doubt or sulking, but she comes across as thick.

So, here's a new attempt:

Rainbow kiss
On the tip of my nose
When I rose late,
Saddled my horse,
My honey guide

Sweet the wind
On the dew of my lips
As I rode on
Toward the sheep
In the dying red

Blithe and fresh
Danced the half-shadowed brook
By our wet flanks,
Babbling of bliss
On his carefree jaunt

Chestnut fox
Joined the race for a while
Running with us
Until we reached
The cardinal edge

Where the day
Breathes a waning good-bye
And I dismount,
Patting my horse,
And disappear in

The joy of naught…

[cacian]

This is a great piece Dieter
I like the first two lines

Rainbow kiss
On the tip of my nose

and these last lines:

Where the day
Breathes a waning good-bye
And I dismount,
Patting my horse,
And disappear in

The joy of naught

Grear read!!:smile5: