A Walk in the Mist

[Mutatis-Mutandis]

Within a hidden room in a hidden castle
Lies the sword that is meant for me.
But I can not find the room, much less the castle
Among these mists that shroud the moor.

I await a wizard or genie, some being
To alight my path to the castle.
But I hear nothing, see nothing, and meet no one
As I wander directionless through the fog.

And then, seeming to materialize from the
Mist, a man stands before me, dressed in white,
And shimmering. he reaches out, and I take his
Hand, only to realize his eyes are solid black,
And his hand is very cold.

[BookBeauty]

Interesting! Leaves me with a feeling of dread.

It's only my opinion, but the double use of 'hidden' doesn't seem to fit with the rest of the poem.

It has fantastical elements, and I wonder if it's not a story, or an allusion to metaphor.

[Haunted]

Really like the gothic atmosphere you evoked. The archaic usage of To alight my path to the castle fits very well. Also enjoyed the narrative, reads like a movie trailer.

p.s. I do like the repetition of "hidden", it reinforces the gloom and doom. Within a hidden room in a hidden castle parallels I hear nothing, see nothing, and meet no one. This small bit of contemporary speech doesn't take away from the poem, rather it speaks to the reader.

[Calidore]

Thumbs up.

[Charles Darnay]

Overall, you create a wonderful image.

A few small details


But I can not find the room, much less the castle
Among these mists that shroud the moor.

Shouldn't it be "I can not find the castle, much less the room?" I think when using "much less" the formula is "easier thing, much less, harder thing"


I wander directionless through the fog

"directionless" is redundant....wandering doesn't have a direction, and adding the fog image only solidifies the lack of direction.

[MystyrMystyry]

Nightmarish!

[aliengirl]

You evoke the Gothic and nightmarish atmosphere very well. IMO, you should drop the capital letters at the beginning of every line. (Just my personal view.) Good narrative and reminded me of LOTR. It's just the reverse with you though.

[Emil Miller]

There once was an avid LitNetter
Who learned French to make himself better
And to make himself click
With a young Gallic chick
He sent her a scented French letter.

[Mutatis-Mutandis]

Overall, you create a wonderful image.

A few small details



Shouldn't it be "I can not find the castle, much less the room?" I think when using "much less" the formula is "easier thing, much less, harder thing"
Yes, you're right. Thanks for pointing that out.




"directionless" is redundant....wandering doesn't have a direction, and adding the fog image only solidifies the lack of direction.

Yes, you're right. I'll ponder a word to replace wander or directionless.

I basically wrote this poem to evoke imagery, particularly of a gothic type. I'm glad it worked. As for the capitols, I was going for a old feel to the poem, which is why I wrote it that way. On second thought, though, maybe I'm harkening back to older ways a bit too much.

Thanks for he compliments and critiques, all. Much appreciated.

[Mutatis-Mutandis]

(Revised - I also took out the word "very" from the last line. It seemed extraneous.)

Within a hidden room in a hidden castle
lies the sword that is meant for me.
But I can not find the castle, much less the room
among these mists that shroud the moor.

I await a wizard or genie, some being
to alight my path to the castle.
But I hear nothing, see nothing, and meet no one
as I wander through the fog.

And then, seeming to materialize from the
mist, a man stands before me, dressed in white,
and shimmering. He reaches out, and I take his
hand, only to realize his eyes are solid black,
and his hand is cold.