let it be known

[cacian]

when you breath air through fog and rain
do you see life in black and white?
do you imagine yourself a lead to something
bigger then your feet?
or
do you tease yourself a feast
that makes you feel as if you're pleased
but truth be told
it's just another fool of april drool,
it's here it comes
then next it's gone.


do you take yourself to be the one
because you told yourself and no one else
that you believe you're here
to stay
symbolic of whatever else,
that you are best greated then most?


do you count out the stars above
reaching for something else unknown
as you gaze out to darkened
heights
only to find yourself at loss
amongst the twinkles of the skies
as they starr out
downwards on us?

delusion is looking for it
searching to find a reason fit
to justify yourself to it
even when it
was never there for you.
It, never dreamed yourself in deeds
nor was it part of Mr Greed
you must have known that all along
that lady luck was never forlorn
to keep you up in case
you slipped
through
deeper holes you dug yourself
without a single care for else.

''you've bitten more then you can chew''
is
legacy to you alone.
to brace a life is well and good
your hands aforth are witness molds
to force it down on someone's door
is dropping hail upon your floor
and ending up messing your goal.

[Little Gal]

I like the language... very very vivid. Strong. But the thought gets repeated nearly in all the stanzas, even then the impact stays upon the senses...
very good imagery...
Thanks fr such a good read... :)

[BookBeauty]

I like your writing style, cacian.

Only thing I'd point out is the line, ''because you told yourself and no on else '' .. Did you mean ''no one else''?

Also, one of the lines, ''dellusion is looking for it'' should be read as, ''delusion...'' I think :)


''that you are best greated then most?'' .. I'm not entirely sure about what you mean by this line. 'greated' isn't yet in the dictionary. :)

Also,

''you bitten more then you can chew
is
legacy to you alone.''

I think this should be looked at grammatically. I'm really intuitive when it comes to grammar, but I think that it's supposed to be, 'you have', or 'you've bitten'.. And the 'is' feels like it's sticking out somehow, other than the fact that it's by itself. That in itself is fine, it's the word I'm concerned about for your piece here. :D

Other than that, I don't think I'd change a thing. It's got an almost archaic, lyrical story-telling feel to it, as if I were hearing this read by a bard. It's charming way to lecture. :)

I hope you don't mind the constructive look at your work. :)

[Charles Darnay]

There are grammatical errors and missed words that should be looked to.

I think you could condense this a bit to make it a stronger piece. LG is right in that it reads a bit repetitively. Some stanzas are not up to par with others and do not need to be here.

[cacian]

Little Gal I thank you for reading and your feedback.
I always look forward to reading your work.

BookBeauty it is a pleasure for me to have you read my piece.
I thank you for going through and I am grateful that you took time to correct the mistakes.
About the word greated I mean greeted but then now I think maybe it is better like it is.

Charles I thank you for reading and your feedback.
I shall go through it again and see if I can condense it to avoid repetition.

Thank you very much again to you all.:smile5: