Before

[free]

Before we ask about
Before we find out
Before you fall asleep on my shoulder
Before I grow smarter and older
Before the night touches our dreams
Before the day flows along its streams
Before the birds start singing
Before the tree branches start swinging
Before people talk
Before they puff ther peacemaking smoke
There must be an agreement molded
Upon which everything is accorded

[Little Gal]

Before we ask about
Before we find out
Before you fall asleep on my shoulder
Before I grow smarter and older
Before the night touches our dreams
Before the day flows along its streams
Before the birds start singing
Before the tree branches start swinging
Before people talk
Before they puff ther peacemaking smoke
There must be an agreement molded
Upon which everything is accorded

I like how it is structured.. the phrase "peacemaking smoke" sounds good... and d picture is new...
however I think the language needs to be worked at for the idea to hit harder...
the end somehow falls short of the promises evident in the beginning.
but a good read still... :)

[Catamite]

I loved this! I agree that some of the language could be finer, but it's nice none the less. And the sudden change in style for the last two lines which I think settles the poem well. Is that a hint at marriage? Anyway reading this really gave me a buzz, so nice post.

[free]

I like how it is structured.. the phrase "peacemaking smoke" sounds good... and d picture is new...
however I think the language needs to be worked at for the idea to hit harder...
the end somehow falls short of the promises evident in the beginning.
but a good read still... :)

Thank you, Gal, for your comments and reading. It really helps. :)


I loved this! I agree that some of the language could be finer, but it's nice none the less. And the sudden change in style for the last two lines which I think settles the poem well. Is that a hint at marriage? Anyway reading this really gave me a buzz, so nice post.

Thank you, Catamite. Good advices. I didn't have specifically a marriage agreement in mind while writing this poem. But, yes, why not, could be a hint at marriage, too. :)