Blue Eyed Phantom Mermaid (this is unfinished)

[ShadowsCool]

http://www.online-literature.com/forums/attachment.php?attachmentid=1862&d=1328035802

[BookBeauty]

Would never hate on a positive work effort, with creativity abounding. :) I do hope you won't mind a constructive look at your rough draft here.

I quite enjoyed the playful, lyrical nature of your poem. In truth, it reminded me, in rhythm, of the popular, ''The Raven'', by Edgar Allan Poe.

I might remove the first stanza, or the first line. The reason for that is because it's an opening that seems to be used in one form or another, quite regularly. That's a stylistic choice, and you may feel that it would take away from your overall 'story' feel to your poem, and that's fine.

Another slight nitpick is your use of the word, 'dryad'. It's a word I adore, but its place here is dubious, due to the nature of a dryad. They come from the woods, or forest. You could probably allude to the woods of the sea, if you liked, in order for the word to fit with a touch of wit.

I know that rhyming gets a lot of bad press in the poetry kingdom, but I enjoy a nice little rhyme scheme, and you managed here without a lot of fuss, and without detracting from the poem itself to make room for rhyme.

''Ah but in the crushing roar
As if from up the ocean floor
I turned to look and there I saw
The beautiful dryad I did before.''

I really love this stanza. Oh! Maybe switch, 'from' and 'up'.

There are a few other bits to work out, where the rhythm stumbles a bit. Words stick out. ''up and through'', for example, seems a bit awkward to my sense of beat.

Anyway. I think in everything I've constructively looked at, I always say, and maybe over-say, that we should always read our stuff aloud. I often fail to take my own advice, out of laziness or procrastination.

But, it's especially important that we read aloud our own poems, a teacher once told me. I agree. And particularly so when there is rhyme involved. The rhythm, rhyme, flow, and overall feel to a piece is shown strongly when we hear it aloud. Even get someone else to read it to you, if you can. Nobody ever wants to volunteer for me, unfortunately. :D

I hope that this helps, and in no way shows any hostility. I really love a poem, or story, with fantastical elements such as this.

[ShadowsCool]

But, it's especially important that we read aloud our own poems, a teacher once told me. I agree. And particularly so when there is rhyme involved. The rhythm, rhyme, flow, and overall feel to a piece is shown strongly when we hear it aloud. Even get someone else to read it to you, if you can. Nobody ever wants to volunteer for me, unfortunately. :D

I hope that this helps, and in no way shows any hostility. I really love a poem, or story, with fantastical elements such as this.

Ah thanks Bookbeauty. Getting a piece read aloud is always a challenge. Since I don't have someone readily available, I try to use a myriad of sites that do it for me. Though not always in a dramatic voice. But you gave me some points to ponder and I so appreciate your comments. As for the dryad, it was a word I stuck in there until I could fill in something else. Thank you again for your kind critique.

Shadows

[ShadowsCool]

Finished

[AuntShecky]

The verse seems to come down to us from another age, maybe the romantic
one of George MacDonald. And your illustration could stand next to a Disney
cel.

Here's another take on the topic:

http://www.online-literature.com/forums/showpost.php?p=529588&postcount=1

[ShadowsCool]

The verse seems to come down to us from another age, maybe the romantic
one of George MacDonald. And your illustration could stand next to a Disney
cel.

Here's another take on the topic:

http://www.online-literature.com/forums/showpost.php?p=529588&postcount=1

Well AuntShecky I try to write for all audiences. I try not to limit myself to a certain genre or time period. If I get an inspiration I go with it. Not all my poems read like this one. I personally don't like much modern poetry. It bores with its heavy handed images. Or whatever you want to call it. I read the classics cause I feel more at home with them. Poetry should appeal to all ages and I try to write from a feeling rather than from a technical standpoint. I'm also a self taught poet, meaning I've never taken creative writing classes. I gotta write from my style and stick with what I enjoy doing. If my writing don't please the boards please understand and forgive my indulgence. I'm really not sure how I'm reading your response. Are you pointing out a flaw or just egging me on to do better? Thanks for chiming in.

[Jack of Hearts]

Someone mentioned "The Raven" when in truth this more closely approximates "Annabel Lee," another poem by Poe, in terms of rhythm.

Nice drawing.







J

[ShadowsCool]

Someone mentioned "The Raven" when in truth this more closely approximates "Annabel Lee," another poem by Poe, in terms of rhythm.

Nice drawing.

J

Yes, Jack of Hearts, that's the poem I thought of going through my head when I wrote this. And the drawing is superb, though I did not draw it. I had help from another person. I know this is a fluff piece but what is poetry anyway? It should be an expression of inspiration. Thanks!

Shadows

[AuntShecky]

I'm really not sure how I'm reading your response. Are you pointing out a flaw or just egging me on to do better? Thanks for chiming in.

Well, both of my comments were meant to be more or less complimentary, esp. the illustration.
The fantastic theme of the subject matter is appealing, but your verse-form technique needs a little polish, such as fixing up the inconsistent meter and rhyme scheme, etc.

You're wise to be wary of creative writing courses. There's a quasi-famous anecdote concerning Sinclair Lewis, who'd been enlisted to headline a writing workshop. As the story has it, he stood in front of the podium with his tall imposing frame and striking red mane and asked the would-be scribes: "If you want to be writers, why aren't all of you at home writing?" (Or something like that.)

But, yes, you should continue learning about the craft and trying to apply what you've learned. You really ought to make an effort to read some modern and contemporary works, give them a try. Also, write some more, post some more. We'll offer comments and encouragement if we can. I guess that is, in a way, "egging you on."

[ShadowsCool]

But, yes, you should continue learning about the craft and trying to apply what you've learned. You really ought to make an effort to read some modern and contemporary works, give them a try. Also, write some more, post some more. We'll offer comments and encouragement if we can. I guess that is, in a way, "egging you on."

Well thanks for that response. I can breathe a sigh of relief. I know some of my poems have tons of flaws. It's frustrating at times. I'm like a musician who can't read music but does it all by ear. Kinda like the Beatles, if you catch what I'm saying. I have been reading a lot lately and it has helped.

If there are any suggestions, a website, a poet or an author I can read, please share it with me. I'd like to pick your mind about a suggestion to moderately improve my writing. Thanks Aunt Shecky
All the best...Shadows