Short Story, feedback appreciated

[Bonsai Ent]

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1OPwQwi1YjD35jdfCDC54OMou5cm7P8VvJk7XvlbE63U/edit

In google docs but I've disabled sign-in so should just open

Any and all feedback is appreciated.

I've got a rough idea of what I'd like to change and what isn't working out, but would like others first impressions.

Ta :)

[BookBeauty]

This is a whimsical piece that would be more fun if the terminology were explained a little bit clearer in the narrative.

Even so, this has an innovative, creative feel to it. I think that it could be improved by little nit-picky grammatical adjustments, and there are a few words missing in parts. Be sure to read it aloud to yourself to feel the flow.

It reminds me vaguely, of Terry Pratchett.

[Bonsai Ent]

Thanks BookBeauty :)

I'm in two-minds about the terminology, I'm a bit worried in getting bogged down explaining it.
My theory is that because its going to be targeted at a fantasy-reading audience, I might get away with taking a few liberties in under-explaining, as they'll be oriented in that kind of fictional world, and a slight sense of alienation is common to the genre.

There's still a balance to be struck in that regard though.

[BookBeauty]

It may help to offer something of a back story cleverly tying into the middle somewhere, but as you have said, it's a balance. Over, or under explaining, can be an issue. :)

I think my approach would be to use the word 'Dreg', or any other term you might use, and then right after usage, to say something like, ''Dregs were cannon fodder, whose only purpose in life was to make other people miserable''.. (Obviously this isn't what they are, I'm just providing an example to how I would elucidate the terminology.)

[Griffing2]

Seems pretty good, I agree with BookBeauty. I don't understand a lot of it, coming from America and all. Seems interesting and a little backdrop would help reach out to a few more people. Other than that pretty interesting...

[Bonsai Ent]

Seems pretty good, I agree with BookBeauty. I don't understand a lot of it, coming from America and all. Seems interesting and a little backdrop would help reach out to a few more people. Other than that pretty interesting...


Thanks... was the America comment self deprecation or did you mean there were cultural references an American might not get?

(Sounds silly but I've had editors chide me for using English-English terms in stories that are being published internationally... but, being English, I don't always know when I'm using a phrase that doesn't exist in American-English until it's been pointed out to me)

[Griffing2]

I've heard the term "dreg" before but can't place it. Same with "punter". Also, wrist slapped did you mean they got cuffs put on them or a small punishment?

[Charles Darnay]

There are a couple of British-isms that I only recognize due to a period where I steeped myself in everything British. Coupled with your own inventions, I could see how it can be confusing.

As far as the writing goes, this is a great story. However it seems to only be part of something. The reader spends the story trying to map out your "world" and by the time he has it figured out the story is over.

[Bonsai Ent]

Ah, yes I can see how 'dreg' being a problem if it isn't a common word in the US.

It means the sediment that sinks to the bottom of something, you've probably heard it used in something like "the dregs of society" but I was deliberately using it as a pun to mean both dregs and drugs... which doesn't help I imagine.
Coupled with the fact that dreg and brujo are being used interchangeably, but with brujo being their word for themselves.
It needs a bit of clarifying.



Charles Darnay,

Yeah, I feel like I should flesh it out a bit, I think I can get away with a fairly short and uncomplicated plot, but not at the current pace. I need to let readers get a bit more comfortable in the world before I drag them back out again.

[frontlip.eu]

I had to read it twice to understand it, but I think that's reasonable for a short story of this kind. I couldn't quite nail the meaning, but I don't have a problem with that. You could take a lot out of it without nailing it. I wouldn't open it up. Maybe if it was part of a longer piece it would become clearer to the reader in the same way that Clockwork Orange does.
Keep it up