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Neilson Black
01-28-2012, 08:08 AM
There are plenty of different mobs around the world; the Mafia, Triads, Yardies, Turks. The list can go on for ages. London holds mobs of there own, all kinds where a lot is where this character is from, which is from South London. Notorious for its organised crime holding anything from Hoddies to Chavs to the pinnacle being Firms.

Reidy was his name and that's what everyone called him. He was supposedly retired, now being fifty three. He had his family now, two boys, a girl and his all loyal South London wife. A friend of Essex, Reidy and his family could be plagued as the next door neighbours best friend to the likes of Essex. A hand in hand as if birthdays and Christmas were related.

It seemed Reidy lived a normal life. He had a job. He was appointed manager of a sales organisation where employees sold training courses online for people who wanted to get into their desired field. It seemed legit enough although it wasn't because the customers never got the right material to pass their exams. It wouldn't be a crime to say it was a scam, because it was. It seems you can never escape what you are, where in this case deceit could never escape Reidy even though he was supposedly retired now and trying to live as though he were a normal citizen. Reidy knew it was a scam, but at the same time he could never say no to the money. Besides there weren't many opportunities out there to give him a legitimate job due to his past history.

Reidy had a passion though and it was football. "Absolute cracker this one" is how he would phrase it in his high pitched almost squeaking cockney voice. He was proud of his cockney voice, almost arrogant with it like he wouldn't care if people thought he was some sort of character in a pantomime for having it. He loved his football, it was his passion. There is a pride and joy to everyone, something that is theirs, football was Reidy's. He was the manager for the local Under 9's and all the parents and kids looked up to him. Plus his son was in the team ironically.

At matches, Reidy was the one that could always be heard more than anyone else. "You're aving a barney ain't ya" he bellowed once when an opposition chopped one of his players legs in a tackle that could only be described as hospital warranty. "Absolutely ludicrous ref. The player is a mine field ain't he, get rid of him" Reidy said. He really went into one that day, and rightfully so because the tackle was bad. Something Reidy went onto later describe as "A&E friendly mate". The player was sent off, but the opposing manager took Reidy's contribution more personally than necessary and took the matter into his own hands. He stormed across the pitch ranting "Calm yourself down mate. He's been sent off, it was a bad tackle, it's been dealt with, you don't need to carry on". Reidy took this as a challenge and stormed to the other manager.They both faced each other face to face.

Reidy knew what he was supposedly about. He was a South London hard man gangster and it was like cement to brick to maintain it and keep that proud at all costs. No-one could see he was weak or could be weakened at any cost, so he looked the manager directly in the eye and said "Do you know who I am? I'm Reidy, heard of me?". The other manager stalled for a second like he'd just been chocked with a memory check. Reidy picked up on this like a laser "Ah that's what I thought. So remember me, remember me well. No go on, turn around and walk away". The other manager remained silent like the choke left him breathless, and then he turned around and walked back to the other touchline. He looked very small when he did this, like a grown man shrunk twenty five years in a second, something Reidy later bragged about saying "He lost his *** hole mate".

That's the effect Reidy had on people and himself for that matter. That was his trademark, his mouth. As he became older it did become him comical trait. When Reidy came up in people's conversations, his cockney, squeaky mouth would be remembered first. "Reidy" said in his unique way was known all over the area, thing was it didn't just stop there. Reidy was no flake - as in all mouth no substance. He was also a well known gangster, known to be in with 'the heavy' lot, so his character was nothing to laugh at, people knew it was strictly with because he was feared, which people were. Reidy had the steel to back it up, where other 'mouthies' who had tried and failed, didn't. But you know what they say about surface!

Establishment is a point of where corners are turned, to lots of different things, all of them being good. It was when Riedy was twenty five he claimed his name to superstar status. It was when he was twenty five that made him. He had grown up looking up to the South London generation in power of that era and it was like school to him, that he wanted to be next, like them when he grew up. It was written in stone to anyone from that upbringing, especially in a place like South London. They had no choice but be fooled to abide by their supposed fate, except the smart ones who took on board the golden truth of a gangsters life; that once you're in you can't get out. So they stayed out from the start. But very, very few if any had that guidance.

Reidy and his two best friends; Mick and Law were determined though, they were determined from the word go. Starting out as spotters as kids, then rising through the ranks through their teens. They showed real promise and were well on the older generations radar as the next ones to watch or give a nod. They had proven themselves in times of needing to shine, but to become made, they needed to do something really big, something that was above the ordinary to not only get the older generations respect, but the generation after thats respect. It had to back track and it didn't come easy. But it was coming.

As a teen, Reidy had a side venture in drugs. He dealt with an Albanian group. His main contact from that group was Alb. It wasn't anything big, big, but big enough of someone that age with that age's rate of connections. This carried on all through the teens. It continued into the twenties and at twenty five Alb approached Reidy with the one time jackpot deal that would make him rich, large numbers. Reidy was interested, why wouldn't he be? He and Alb were in business for years and any deal of this scale was more and even more than enough to impress the elders to finally become a top boy.

It appeared that Alb had come into power somehow and had a big deal on his hands to execute with whom he chose. He chose Reidy. Mick and Law thought Riedy was out of his mind. They thought it would be a set up and that how could they the Albanians be trusted with this size of a deal? Why now? The rationalising went on and on. They said to Riedy that Alb was only doing this now because of all the years of gaining Reidy's trust, that was what the Albanians were like. Reidy took all this on board but said to Mick and Law that they had to try, to see if it were genuine. They had to be tough enough to try it. With much convincing and discussion they were and it was on.

It was an abandoned field and it was pitch black. Reidy, Mick and Law stood a metres distance from each other. They brought generals from their generation whom couldn't be seen because they were hidden in hide out spots, waiting with automatics in case there were any surprises. Reidy, Mick and Law waited. "I still think we're barking mad" Mick started. "Me too" Law agreed. They both looked at Riedy who was stood staring into the distance oddly looking as though he was having an orgasm. "You two ain't got a Danny what you're talking about, we're about to make history" Reidy said. Mick had eyes of rage on Riedy. "You're heads not right, this has set up all over it, are you blind?" Mick said. Riedy turned to Mick slowly with an open mouth "even so, we have back up to kill them if it is". Mick and Law halted. "So now you're telling us you were never one hundred percent sure of this from the start" Law said. "When was anything one hundred percent?" Reidy replied, which brought a silence. Eventually Mick and Law looked in compliance, then Reidy turned back to the distance.

Ten minutes later a plane appeared in the sky, it couldn't be seen because there were no lights on it but it could be heard. It was 11pm, right on time, just as agreed. Reidy, Mick and Law saw this. "Right on time" Law said. Riedy's orgasm gaze was still the only thing about him and the three of them waited. The plane landed and it drove towards the three. It stopped and Alb walked out with two of his people. They had a friends come with smiles smile on their faces and they walked to Reidy holding a large duffel bag.

The six of them were up close and face to face. "Hello Reidy" Alb greeted. "Good evening Alby my son" Rediy replied. "You got the money?" Alb continued. Reidy nodded. "You got the sweets?" Alb nodded and handed Reidy the duffel bag. Mick and Law waited on guard. Reidy went through the bag and saw everything which made the deal a success, it was full of drugs. He then turned to Mick "Give him the money" Mick had a smile on his face that was difficult to control and he handed his bag to Alb. Alb checked the bag and the contents, it was full of money. He showed it to his people and they nodded. It should have been happy days and go home.

"Happy" Alb said as he resumed an upright posture. Reidy looked at him "Happy Alb". Alb offered out his hand, Reidy shook "good" Alb said, then out of nowhere a gun shot went off and Reidy fell to the floor. Hysteria was instant as Mick and Law's faces were shocked, they then looked at Alb. "Ambush" Mick yelled and a gun shot war began. Reidy's back up flew into sight from their hiding places and started shooting. Alb's two people were killed immediately, then Alb started running. Alb's hidden back up appeared and they started shooting. The shoot out continued. Alb dropped the bag of money and was in too fine of bullets to retrieve it, so he kept running. This probably wasn''t supposed to go to his plan, he probably thought that Reidy wouldn't have expected a set up. He was wrong.

The shoot out lasted five minutes and Reidy's side eventually won. All of the Albanians were killed except Alb who got away. Reidy was shot in the shoulder (another mistake by the Albanians) and he was lucky to be alive. Even though it was a set up and Reidy's side shed blood for the cause, they still kept all the money and drugs. It was history. It made Reidy and that bust was the turning point to legendary because it had never been done before.

It was a Thursday and Reidy had done his unhonest days work for an unhonest days pay at his scam sales company, did the mid-week training for the boys in the evening, then he went home. "Hope the grubs looking dolly love" he'd say in his usual OTT cockney way to his wife when he got in. He spoke like that even at home. Ten times out of ten his loyal abiding wife would say "Yes love", but this time Reidy was responded with nothing of the sort. Instead he got "You've had a phone call love". "From who?" Reidy replied. "From Mick and he sounded like he needed to speak with you urgently". Reidy just stood and realised from the tone of his wife's voice it was different, so it must have been something important.

"Mick, it's Reidy, what's up? My dolly's about to be put up". "Your supper can wait. The men and I are all at the warehouse. You have to come here now". "What is it Mick? What is all of you doing there? Can't it wait mate?". "Reidy I will say this once, you have to come right now, we have a surprise for you and I guarantee on you kids you'll love it".

Reidy arrived at the warehouse thirty five minutes later and entered the usual back way. He walked into the entry room and Mick and Law were standing there. "What is it lads? I had me grub on and me and the wife had plans to av a right roasting tonight. What brought you and all the men down here that couldn't wait?" Reidy rambled. "You remember Alb?" Law said. Silence was met. "Who?" Reidy said. "Alb, remember, the drop, the famous time?". Another silence was met. Reidy being fifty three now, almost thirty years on for him, for all of them, he wouldn't have been in the wrong to have forgotten who Alb was. But give it time and it will come to one. It did for Reidy and that's when his pupils dilated to the size of penny's as he stayed on Mick and Law. "Alb" he said. "We've got him" Mick finished and opened the door.

Inside the warehouse, Alb was in the centre tied to a chair, he looked a carcass. Reidy saw he had been tortured. The whole team was there, all of them, all fifty of Reidy's men. Reidy was hit with a life flash which took his breath away. He couldn't believe it was actually Alb. The three arrived at Alb. "Hey, hey **** head, remember this man? You're business partner?" Mick said to Alb followed with a punch. "Come on, wake up". Mick then backed off. "I think you owe him an explanation before you die" Law added. Alb looked up at Reidy "Reidy, I am so sorry, I didn't want to go through with it, I was told too" Alb cried. He was crying. Reidy still looked paralysed to speak, something was wrong but he didn't know what. Nothing was replied. "Thought we wouldn't find you? It doesn't matter if it's been thirty years or a hundred years, scum bags like you will always be found, and you have" Mick said. "That's right and Reidy is going to finish the deal you started" Law added.

Mick cocked a gun and handed it to Reidy. "There you are pal, justice is in your hands" he said. Reidy took the gun and looked even more paralysed, something was definitely wrong with him he looked and then he looked at Alb. Reidy was shaking, he was scared. He started to shake even more as he pointed the gun at Alb. Alb's eyes were swelling up with tears. Reidy started to shake so mcuh he was making the other fifty men shake, then he turned and dropped his arm. "I can't" he quivered. His voice was not himself, his cockney character, but instead of a six year old boys who's balls hadn't dropped. All fifty men were alarmed. "Can't what?" Law said. "I just can't" the new toddler of Reidy repeated. That's when all fifty men were shocked in the horror of seeing Rediy's jeans slowly getting wetter. One of his shoes was standing in fluid. He pissed himself. Alb even saw this and all the fifty men didn't know what to do. That's when Mick took the gun from Reidy and shot Alb in the head and Alb was dead.

All fifty men stood around Reidy not sure if they were looking at the same person. Mick went up close to Reidy. "What the hell's the matter with you?" he said. "I don't know" Reidy replied, his true small boy self now exposed. "Have you ever killed anyone?" Mick asked. Silence and there was a huge pause before an answer came which seemed like it wouldn't. Reidy looked at Mick in the eyes "No" he said. All fifty men hung their heads. They all hung them like they had been betrayed and all their respect stripped in a second. Then without saying anything they all walked out of the warehouse. Reidy was left standing on his own.

After that things had changed. Reidy was no longer a top dog. Instead he was talked and known around town as a joke. In the crime world it was imperial that to become one of them, a member, you had to have killed someone. At least one to know what it's like to murder. I was a membership pass, a must to gain entry. If you hadn't then you were a pretender, a fake gangster. Reidy always was and all of his men were fooled by him for more than fifty years. Reidy was lucky the men didn't turn on him and kill him.

Reidy had been around for too long for his own to 'get rid of him', he had contributed too much. But for this ultimate lie, what the men did do was cut Reidy out. He was no longer apart of the mob, he got to live the normal life like he'd pretended when he so called retired. He still had his family, his sales manager role and the football, but in the crime world he was a laughing stock. He became "All mouth no action Reidy". The truth was finally out and Reidy was fine with that, besides it was better off than being dead. He got to live his little life at the expense of being known as the clown gangster and learnt a valuable lesson that the truth will always come out, it's just a matter of when.


Copyright ©

BookBeauty
01-28-2012, 08:38 AM
There's a real spark in this piece that gives it potential to be a killer. But, it's very rough as it is now, and you're going to have to go through while reading it aloud to yourself very carefully, I think.

In any case, the beginning is most certainly going to lose some readership. We all know there are mobs all around the world, and I'm not sure if it needs to be said.

I went through on a quick browse and what stuck out to me was this line, and I think you might begin strongly with it:

''It wouldn't be a crime to say it was a scam, because it was.''

Here's how I might clean up the first paragraph, as a continuation:

''It wouldn't be a crime to say it was a scam, because it was, and Reidy knew it.

He was appointed Manager of a Sales Organisation that sold training courses online, designed for a given customer's 'dream job'. It seemed legit enough, but it wasn't. The customers never got the right material to pass their exams.

Deceit could never escape Reidy even though he was supposedly retired, and trying to live as though he were a normal citizen. There weren't many opportunities for a more respectable job due to his past history.''

As you can see, I cut a lot of stuff that you wrote out, because it's not necessary in the opening. I think that you get the idea here-- What I've written is an example of what you could do with this. :)

Anyway, try to cut out anything out of place. I can see further down that you wrote almost twice in a row that he has a passion for football. It only needs to be said once, unless it's a stylistic choice. :)

Keep writing! You're gonna rock. :)

smerdyakov
01-28-2012, 05:36 PM
Hi. The story starts off well enough for me and u sketch the character of Reidy pretty well ( a sort of Ray Winstone I pictured-a geezer, yeah? :P )
I felt you lost your way from the part describing the drug deal and subsequent gun-fight.
Another thing, you need to use line breaks for each speech bubble, as it becomes confusing at times for the reader.

I did note a lot of dubious word choice and sentence structure. Also there were a good few typos-some things that u will just have to look at.


Establishment is a point of where corners are turned, to lots of different things, all of them being good. It was when Riedy was twenty five he claimed his name to superstar status.


As he became older it did become him comical trait.


Reidy was hit with a life flash which took his breath away.


Reidy had been around for too long for his own to 'get rid of him'

I underlined a few of them here. There's more though, so you will have to go through it again and take anything out which doesn't sound right.

Not a bad effort though. I like gangster films and I am interested in these kind of characters. I enjoyed the start of it and the description of the football match was decent. :P
Keep writing.

Neilson Black
01-29-2012, 04:03 PM
Thanks guys. These comments are just what one needs - constructive criticism and correction, as well as applauds. I am new to sharing online, so keep these coming, they only help. 'Book Beauty' I agree, my language isn't the best at times and I think reading aloud your own pieces will clear all that up. Only relevant things are necessary. I do have a tendency to explain too much and go into repeat mode. I think this can be solved with me going over my work before making it a finished piece rather than rushing to get it out there due to excitement. 'Smerdyakov' how you doing guvnor, thanks for reading. It wasn't Ray Winston, but it was someone like him, propa geeza. Nice effort. Again, nice pointers I'll take on board. Some of my literature may not be proper English, just my language, it will be addressed if it puts readers off. That "Did become him comical trait" should have been "his" that was a general spell-check I should have spotted. The speech bubbles is something I can move onto. I think that comes to choice of style, but style can be developed once it's tight and again if it confuses readers then it has to be addressed. Yeah the drug deal/gun fight was all created while I was writing the story, totally on the go, wasn't even planned. Sometimes things work and sometimes not, you'll only know if you can pull them off if you try. But fair play to your comment.

Nice 1 guys. I'm going to keep writing, and please keep reading and commenting.

smerdyakov
01-29-2012, 04:40 PM
^^No worries mate. :)

MANICHAEAN
01-29-2012, 08:29 PM
From a Norf London boy to a Sarf London boy

Well done ****

Keep at it.

M.