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psychmajor411
01-26-2012, 07:10 PM
*Note* There are real locations used in this story. This is not meant to defame the names of any place, it is a work of fiction. Enjoy.


Lisa's day began fairly normally; she went to work, bought groceries, worked out – typical friday. Today was special though, she and her boyfriend of two years, Simon, had been saving up for a fancy date. Lisa relished the thought. Get dressed up, fine dining, great wine, a perfect evening.
Simon came to pick her up around 6:15, they had reservations at 7 and it took some time to get to downtown St. Louis from her Kirkwood apartment. As usual Simon drove up in his old mid-nineties Camry, he had had that car since he began driving, and it was something that Lisa had come to associate with him.
“Hey, you.” Lisa said as Simon got out of the car.
“Hello yourself.” He responded. “Have you seen my girlfriend around here anywhere? Gorgeous girl, around 5'5”, has an odd addiction to the Muppets?”.
“Very funny, save the sappy comments for dinner,” she retorted.
They were quickly on their way to the restaurant, The Top of the Riverfront, whose claim to fame was being situated at the top of the 28 story Millennium Hotel where it slowly rotated a full 360º as diners enjoyed the St. Louis skyline. They parked their car and hurriedly crossed the street, as it had begun to rain. They checked in at the hotel lobby, reservation for two, table lit by candles, the works. They stepped into the elevator.
“This place is fantastic! It even smells expensive,” said Lisa.
“I know, it just makes you think that this is going to be a perfect evening,” replied Simon.
As they neared the 16th floor on the elevator, they heard a low groaning noise that seemed to be very near them, the lights in the elevator fizzled briefly.
“What was that?” said Lisa.
“Umm, probably just the wind, we're getting higher up and it was really blowing outside,” said Simon, though as he said it he looked quite pale.
“Oh, okay yeah. Wind.” Lisa said, but her thoughts were elsewhere. She had never liked elevators, or any other cramped spaces where she couldn't see the outside. Being away from it just seemed so unnatural to her.
Another groan, this time louder and much closer met their ears.
“Simon?”
A loud crack was the only response that met her ears.
“Hold on to me!” Shouted Simon as he grabbed the rails on the side of the elevator.
No sooner had Lisa wrapped her arms around Simon when a second crack rang out. They were in free fall. Lisa's stomach dropped then shot up into her chest. She and Simon were lifted off of the ground for a few seconds, his grip held tight against the rails. In what felt like and eternity, but lasted an instant, they crashed to ground floor.
It was very dark. Lisa coughed hard, she was choking on the dust in the air. An emergency light blinked on and bathed the cramp wreck in red.
“Simon?” Lisa inquired looking right at him. She had avoided getting hurt as he had helped to cushion the landing, but her wrist was definitely hurt.
“Simon?” she said again, but received no response. His eyes were distant and he was breathing heavily. Then, he coughed hard. A warm, thick liquid sprayed onto her face. Blood. She could smell it. She ran her hand around him trying to find where he was hurt. She touched his back. Below his left shoulder blade a thick piece of metal had broken its way through the floor and embedded itself into his lung.
Lisa heard sirens and shouted for help. A rescue crew broke its way into the elevator and removed her, while a couple paramedics tended to Simon.
“Giver her... in my pocket...” were the only words he managed to get out as they put him on a stretcher.
She woke up in a bed surrounded by a dull, blue curtain. Her wrist was wrapped up and in a splint. She put her good hand to her head, it was wrapped un in a bandage and OW! She must have not noticed the gash in her head due to the shock. To her left was a side table with an alarm clock. It read 9:00 pm.
“Hello...? Anyone there?” She inquired to the curtain in front of her.
“Lisa? Doctor she's awake!”
Lisa recognized the voice, Simon's Aunt Heather. The only family he had left. His mother had died in childbirth, and his father ran out on him when he was very little. Heather was the closest thing to a mother Simon ever had, and she being unmarried and childless, loved him more than anything.
“Lisa sweety, how are you doing? Does your wrist hurt? How is your head?” Heather had always been the worrying type.
“I'm fine, Simon?” she inquired weakly.
“He's in surgery,” she smiled, but it was faint and there was worry in her eyes.
Lisa recounted the events of the evening to Heather. After two years of dating Simon, the two were very close.
A doctor walked in, and with him a sense of dread that filled the room. Time seemed move more slowly everything went blank. Lisa could see Heather ask the question she dreaded to ask and the doctor answer with an I'm so sorry, but Lisa heard nothing. The first thing to break the silence was her cry of agony. He was gone. Simon was dead.
When Lisa was checking out of the hospital with Heather. They brought both Lisa's personal affects; her dress, purse, jewelry, etc. and Simons suit. In two small bags were his wallet and phone, and a small black box. Lisa's heart skipped a beat. She opened up the bag and removed the box. Hands shaking she lifted the lid. Inside the box was a diamond engagement ring.

odliam
01-27-2012, 12:12 PM
Nicely written!

It prepares the opening easily and with not too many words.

A little bit open in the sense it is quickly perceived the meaning and end of the story, but on the other hand there is sensitivity and pathos that trace the outline of love.

I like it!

¬O.

smerdyakov
01-28-2012, 09:18 PM
Hi.
Okay, first off this story needs line breaks-a thing oft said on this particular forum. :)

It is not a bad story, nor are there any passages of great prose jumping off the page. It is solid though. The ending is quite tragic.

One or two sentences that could use a bit of a touch-up:


Simon came to pick her up around 6:15, they had reservations at 7 and it took some time to get to downtown St. Louis from her Kirkwood apartment.
This is a run-on sentence as you have separated two grammatically independent clauses with a comma. A semi-colon would work better than a full-stop as the two sentences are logically related.



Time seemed move more slowly everything went blank

You have left out the prep to and the conjunction and in this sentence.

Not a bad effort overall. Welcome to Lit-Net. :)

Delta40
01-28-2012, 10:00 PM
There are alot of grammatical errors throughout the story and I suggest you re-check the story before posting. Paragraphs would work much better and make for easier reading. I get the sense that this story is rather hurried. Alot of background detail is told for the readers benefit resulting in a story consisting of more tell than show so the bottom line is we don't get to know the characters to any real degree and this is where the story is lacking. If you re-work this, you could have a much more powerful piece.