Lullaby

[odliam]

I just woke up and saw them.

The spectacles were on the tiny cloudy-knoll at the right side of my resting place, the lens were thick and inserted in a horn-rimmed frame.

Why there were spectacles with heavy and myopic lens on the cloudy boulder near my resting place?

I never needed them!

As I fought with drowsiness to get an educated thought, I heard somebody clearing the throat as if to call my attention!

I looked with half opened eyes at the time piece hanging out of the cozy soft cloudy room I called mine, it showed the Universal vector, it was early in our sector.

Still my... eeh! my... I didn't know what I was going to say.

Confusion is a difficult lover, I could not understand her... The sentence reverberated in my... mind? What's mind? Where have I heard this before? I thought again: lover? What is a lover? I was... what was I?!

What were the spectacles doing on my tiny cloudy-knoll?... and who was the person that cleared the throat in my cloudy resting place?

I was sure I isolated myself before turning in.

Finally, with a great effort I could open my eyes wide enough to see a tall man in a dinner jacket, a cape and a top hat standing nearby. He rubbed his eyes, took the spectacles and put them on, looking at me from far away since his eyes seemed lost in distance due to the effect of the lens. Coming from the weird glasses a soft blue aura surrounded us.

"Are you ready?" he asked

Ready? Was I ready? I did not understand? Ready for what?

"Oh, I see, they've already erased your just created slate! Come on", the man said, "we must do it while it is night there yet!"

Do, what??

There? Where??

He made an impatient gesture, and raised the right hand letting out a sparkle from the big gem set in his golden ring, the light went out, a soft music started in the background... but it seemed to dissolve into a little baby's wail, and then...

...and then, life began!

[BookBeauty]

Nice intro! Well, I hope it's an intro anyway. It's at this point I go: More please. :)

The confusion, mindset (thoughts) and disorientation of this narrator reminds me of my experiences with migraines.

Especially this particular section:

''Still my... eeh! my... I didn't know what I was going to say.

Confusion is a difficult lover, I could not understand her... The sentence reverberated in my... mind? What's mind? Where have I heard this before? I thought again: lover? What is a lover? I was... what was I?!''


Lewis Carroll was said to have been inspired by migraines while writing Alice in Wonderland. I'm not saying that's what this is about, of course. It also reminds me of Brave New World, for some reason. It has a futuristic feel to it.

There are a few things you could tweak for improvement, I think.

''and who was the person that cleared the throat in my cloudy resting place?''

I think might be better to replace with,

''And, who was this person that cleared their throat...''

Also:

''He rubbed his eyes, took the spectacles and put them on, looking at me from far away since his eyes seemed lost in distance due to the effect of the lens. Coming from the weird glasses a soft blue aura surrounded us.''

These sentences seem as if they could be made clearer. I'm unsure for a moment whether it was the man in the top hat, or the narrator who takes the glasses. Earlier you wrote this fellow in the bed as, ''I'', and it almost seems to be replaced with, ''he''-

Depending on who is who, and I'm just guessing here, I'd go with:

''Rubbing my eyes, I took the spectacles. As I put them on, the man in the top hat was looking at me from far away. His eyes seemed lost in distance due to the effect of the lens. A soft blue aura began to surround us, coming from the strange glasses.''

Something like that. It can be cleaned up for a more lucid read. Also, ''lost in distance'' seems off somehow to me, in terms of explaining the situation, but it seems almost poetic, so I was hesitant to touch it in my little example. Perhaps there is a way you can strengthen this to make your point more vivid.

''"Oh, I see, they've already erased your just created slate! Come on", the man said, "we must do it while it is night there yet!"''

Maybe:

''Oh, I see. They've already erased your just-created slate! Come on,'' the man said, ''We must do it while it is night there!''''

I would either.. Remove the 'yet', or add 'still', or change that last quotation completely. It's a bit awkward.

There's also punctuation and capitalization going awry in places. Capitalization before sentences is a pretty straight-forward fix.

''He made an impatient gesture, and raised the right hand ''

Should be ''raised his right hand,''

So.. Yes! That's all just my two cents, understand, and you're more than welcome to exercise creative license. :)

This is a fun little piece, and I'm looking forward to your progress. :)

[odliam]

Thank you BookBeauty, for your comments.

They are a pretty good help to write better and clearly!

I look forward for your opinion in my future stories!

It was nice to read about how migraines may help creativity, unfortunately, I have not them!!:smile5:

¬O.