serenity

[cacian]

trivial are words
that write chicane
over intent
a book of prose
cupid and foes
sweep up the slurr
feelings are bare.

eyes set oppressed
ensemble of moeurs
try and deflect
a glimpse of love
regrets inside
deepen the fail
grievance is meant
never declared.

as hand retrieve
waving at self
moment is weighed
so much of else
lives in despair
diaspora's led
bearing the tear
the strict is dared.

life is bestowed
once more akin
each second pass
driving a feast
moments detract
then
tract and crease
lifting a plaque
and
all is left
is melted dread

[cafolini]

Your best so far for my taste.

[Catamite]

At some points, especially in the last stanza, I think the fragmented style really works well, but lines like, ' a book of prose/ cupid and foes', seem a bit nonsensical to be honest because are unanchored by any story. Also watch out for grammar, for example it should be 'an ensemble of moeurs'. But still, I quite enjoyed it!

[Little Gal]

My favourite lines...

" as hand retrieve
waving at self
moment is weighed
so much of else
lives in despair "


I like the breaking in bits... the ruggedness is an old charm but a charm that works...

[cacian]

Cafolini thank you as always your comments are always appreciated.

catamite your feedback is great..I was hoping to get away with '' ensemble''without an, if one read it in French perhaps.
Thank you for reading:smile5:

little Gal
I am glad you enjoyed it!
Thank you:smile5: