As my uncle lay dying

[Catamite]

He lay surpine without any scent of death;
Instead a mouth making slow, helpless blows
Hands flailing softly as if under water,
A body turned to shades that could not be discerned.
He was dead but for the formalities
The process chuttering out the final phases
As would a sea rid itself of waves.

The final ebb suffered nightfall and thence was lost
As came the message from his daughter on the phone
-Which had rang shrilly, like a death siren in the midst of night-
That his wife had collapsed for all her strength
That the body lay cold and impersonal
And better looked the sculpture of a dead man
Than the rotting frame of a man beloved.

The morning was bristled with blessings and cooking pots
-'Well, the Lord takes as he sees fit'-
There, crying before hushed took open form,
Which seemed more just then the wanton laughter
Of yesterday: the almost smiles and the frigid serenity;
The oft silence was consolement.

Many came to the house and drank for hours
Speaking not a word to any member of the grieving,
Lest they be looked too harsh in the returning gaze.
His body was shipped off by ambulance;
He was seen off by the entire road
Neighbours having left for a moment their breakfast.
Plans were made and stories told at the kitchen table.

[Hawkman]

Hi Cat'smeat,

There is a lot to like in here. it's solumn reflective and emotive. but you should stop selectively inverting syntax for 'poetic' effect. You just don't need to. It irritates and has the opposite effect. It's not as if you are consciously parrodying a peice of classic poetry here.

eg:

"As would a sea rid itself of waves" You lose the immediacy of the moment by doing this. People don't really speak like this. "As a sea would rid itself of waves." is more natural.

"Which had rang shrill," Grammar, "Which had rung, shrill..." or "which rang, shrill..." and "haunched?" not the greatest word choice.

"Many came to the house and for hours drank" another awkward syntactical inversion

"Many came to the house and drank for hours."

but don't be down hearted, your instincts are good. Develop a more natural style and you'll be very readable indeed.

live and be well - H

[Catamite]

Hey Hawkman, thanks for reading. I've changed a couple of the lines to what you advised because they did sound clunky. But I think that 'As would a sea...' better connects it to the preceding line so I left it.
And Haunched...Ha! that was meant to be 'hunched', does that sound better?
I think I just need to read way, way more to develop a better style.

[Charles Darnay]

I enjoyed it - I thought the first stanza in particular was wonderful.

There seems to be a tension between an objective scene (as the first stanza proposes) and the "I" figure. As it is not a poem of emotional expression - that is, the "I" is not the centre of the poem, I can't help wondering if it would not read better if you tried to remove the "I" all-together. But I suppose this comes down to what you want to get across to your readers.

[Catamite]

Hey Charles Darnay,
As soon as I read what you wrote about the objective scene and the narrator I rewrote two verses. So these are the final changes.

[Haunted]

Very nicely done (and told). Controlled, credible, no trace of cheap sentimentality for this type of subject.

Great lines:

And better looked the sculpture of a dead man
Than the rotting frame of a man beloved.

[Bar22do]

Banality of life and of death... and much respect felt for poetry through your poem! It's also heartfelt and beautiful to read even if at moments archaic a bit. Thanks for sharing your honest, devoted poem. Bar