ncident Coincident-Short Story (first draft) Opinions, Criticisms and help?

[shaz619]

I wrote this as a first draft having researched the themes i want to include in my story, charachter development will be a big focus. What do you guys think of the first draft its style etc and what you think of it in general?

Thank you guys!! its hard to get feedback these days


Incident Coincident

The resolution to his psychological dilemma lay next to Adam, opening his eyes effortlessly, he tilted his head with awkwardness to admire what meant more to him than his life, her name was Mona. Interrupted by the vibrations of his mobile, he glanced at the screen……..8:39am 18th of July 1997. An overwhelmingly dark room, black walls, dark brown curtains, black furniture and cupboards contrast to the seemingly joyful energy between Adam and Mona. Adam continues to glare in to her elegant blue eyes, with passion he strokes her think black hair……suddenly she retreats from him in disbelief not understanding why Mona doesn’t seem to elude his fragile mind. Equally stunned Adam storm’s out the room, consequently his phone ring’s, reluctantly answers it expressing the feelings of his recent confrontation with Mona. Distraught by the phone call after learning how Mona had been missing ever since her plane crash two years ago, Adam accepting his deceiving mind returns to the bedroom finding his ex-girlfriend laying in bed, her galvanising grey eyes staring at him.

He wrote…Was it real? Or was my mind playing tricks with me, how can you love something which is not there, the constant online conversations which first began, to the frequent calls lasting hours in to the night. I even discarded my girlfriend completely from my life for someone I am yet to see. Then why the love and passion for each other? It teared me apart as she stopped feeling close to me, why do I feel so nervous and anxious as I write with blood pouring from my heart. A wound which does not exist is impossible to heal. The unconscious mind is all the processes of the mind which are not available to the consciousness; could that be causing me intrusive thoughts? We are always together when we are not; I constantly check my phone and speak even if I can’t hear her voice. Something doesn’t seem right; I will meet her for the first time on the 17th of July 1997.

When Adam began to interact with Mona, he was still in a relationship with another woman. Feeling guilty and disgusted with himself Adam decided his commitment could be with one woman alone, Mona. Sacrificing physical intimacy for emotional intimacy would bring his inevitable mental demise, or so he thought. The resolution to his psychological dilemma lay next to Adam, opening his eyes effortlessly, he tilted his head with awkwardness to admire what meant more to him than his life, her name was Mona. Interrupted by the vibrations of his mobile, he glanced at the screen……..8:39am 18th of July 1997.

He wrote… We finally met each other she is so much more beautiful than in the photos, my consciousness is finally stable. I laugh at her multiple choice of contact lenses, that too when she does not require spectacles. I tell her she doesn’t need such fashion accessories as her natural eye colour is elegant and galvanising. One blue the other Grey……..Adam 18th of July 1997

[Charles Darnay]

the copious amount of grammatical errors and tense shifts makes this difficult to read. Just thought I'd get that out of the way.

The idea can work. It is my opinion, take it as you will, that you should begin a story with the characters and then fold everything around them. Your character seems forced into place and because of that there is nothing admirable about him. This is troubling for a completely internal story. Because of this, Adam's first journal entry for example, comes across as a series of trite clichés.

In the paragraph following the July 17th entry, you begin to narrate events that we already figured out: that he dumped his former girlfriend, for example.

I think that finding out who Adam really is will help clean things up. Until I care about him, I really don't care if he is suffering, or if he dumped his old girlfriend, how real or imaginary Mona is.

Best of luck.

[shaz619]

the copious amount of grammatical errors and tense shifts makes this difficult to read. Just thought I'd get that out of the way.

The idea can work. It is my opinion, take it as you will, that you should begin a story with the characters and then fold everything around them. Your character seems forced into place and because of that there is nothing admirable about him. This is troubling for a completely internal story. Because of this, Adam's first journal entry for example, comes across as a series of trite clichés.

In the paragraph following the July 17th entry, you begin to narrate events that we already figured out: that he dumped his former girlfriend, for example.

I think that finding out who Adam really is will help clean things up. Until I care about him, I really don't care if he is suffering, or if he dumped his old girlfriend, how real or imaginary Mona is.

Best of luck.


Thanks for the feedback apologise for the grammatical errors, i was thinking along the same lines on the need for the development of Adam's character and i agree with the comment on the paragraph following the July 17th, i was wondering if my story would work in reverse chronological order developing the characters as the story develops and the finale would see the first and last part merge?

[Charles Darnay]

Thanks for the feedback apologise for the grammatical errors, i was thinking along the same lines on the need for the development of Adam's character and i agree with the comment on the paragraph following the July 17th, i was wondering if my story would work in reverse chronological order developing the characters as the story develops and the finale would see the first and last part merge?

Don't confuse developing the characters and revealing the characters. It is alright to hide part of the character and slowly lift the curtain throughout the story. Even if this is the case, the character must be fully fleshed out in your mind and that must come across to us. Even if you artfully reveal the character to enhance the story, a flat character is still a flat character.

[hillwalker]

Well it starts rather badly
– who opened his eyes and tilted his head? Was it Adam or the resolution lying next to him? The way this is written it could be either.

The beginning of a story is a critical point – get it wrong like this and no one is going to bother ploughing through anything that follows. There's no need for all this phoney pretentiousness. Adam and Mona are in bed together. Can’t you come up with a simpler way of telling the reader that?

Then he glances at his mobile – which gives him the time, the date, and a full description of the room they’re lying in. At least that’s what you’re suggesting the way you have written it here. Then you muddy the waters with a bizarre addition to the physical description of the bedroom. How does ‘the seemingly joyful energy’ manifest itself? Is it like some bright, incandescent light or what? The entire description is baffling because it’s meaningless.

He strokes her hair and ‘suddenly she retreats from him in disbelief not understanding why Mona doesn’t seem to elude his fragile mind.’
I completely lost focus here - is it Mona who is in disbelief – is it also Mona who’s not understanding? – or Adam? This is another sentence that is impossible to follow because you have allowed it to wander completely off track. And what do you mean by ‘doesn’t seem to elude’? That seems to contradict her retreat.

So he left the room – equally stunned… who else was stunned? Mona presumably but that still hasn’t been made clear.

Then according to you his phone rang because he left the room – I’m not sure how that happens - and somehow his phone answers itself (?) – and after commenting on his argument with Mona (to whom we’re not told) someone – again we’re not told who – informs him that Mona disappeared two years ago. Then he goes back to the bedroom and Mona (now his ex-g/f) is still there ‘laying’ in bed (or possibly ‘lying’ in bed).

This entire paragraph is so disjointed it’s actually hard work trying to figure out what’s going on. I think you need to master writing short, concise sentences before tackling longer ones. Your writing style is working against you because you seem to lose control of the narrative rather quickly.

I can guess what you’re trying to tell us – Adam gets phone calls and there’s no one there – he imagines Mona lying next to him but in reality she is dead. But you reveal this in such a ham-fisted way that it’s almost impossible to follow the plot.

The journal entry just makes matters worse – it’s rambling, incoherent, and filled with soppy expressions of self-doubt.

Then we get more ‘back-story’ if you can call it that. But it’s actually the author conducting a clinical observation of Adam’s mental state. And it reads more like psycho-babble from some self-help book than a story. Why don’t you get on with just telling us the story instead of this tedious analysis?

Having said that, it’s not a complete dead loss – the plot has potential if handled correctly. But you need to decide what you’re going to tell the reader from the start and how you’re going to go about doing that.

You have two parallel stories – one told by the narrator, the other by Adam in his journal. It’s pointless having both if each tells the same story. Why not have one situation where Adam believes Mona is still alive and behaves as if that is so? And in the other he knows she is dead but reports how she is somehow haunting him? The journal entries could then become a pivotal part of the story.

You have a major redraft ahead of you and you need to brush up on your grammar. But if you can keep tighter control of your sentence structure you might have a chance of coming up with something readable.

As for character development – well so far there aren’t any characters in the story. Just two names. If you don't know how to bring characters to life read as much fiction as you can.

H

[shaz619]

Well it starts rather badly
– who opened his eyes and tilted his head? Was it Adam or the resolution lying next to him? The way this is written it could be either.

The beginning of a story is a critical point – get it wrong like this and no one is going to bother ploughing through anything that follows. There's no need for all this phoney pretentiousness. Adam and Mona are in bed together. Can’t you come up with a simpler way of telling the reader that?

Then he glances at his mobile – which gives him the time, the date, and a full description of the room they’re lying in. At least that’s what you’re suggesting the way you have written it here. Then you muddy the waters with a bizarre addition to the physical description of the bedroom. How does ‘the seemingly joyful energy’ manifest itself? Is it like some bright, incandescent light or what? The entire description is baffling because it’s meaningless.

He strokes her hair and ‘suddenly she retreats from him in disbelief not understanding why Mona doesn’t seem to elude his fragile mind.’
I completely lost focus here - is it Mona who is in disbelief – is it also Mona who’s not understanding? – or Adam? This is another sentence that is impossible to follow because you have allowed it to wander completely off track. And what do you mean by ‘doesn’t seem to elude’? That seems to contradict her retreat.

So he left the room – equally stunned… who else was stunned? Mona presumably but that still hasn’t been made clear.

Then according to you his phone rang because he left the room – I’m not sure how that happens - and somehow his phone answers itself (?) – and after commenting on his argument with Mona (to whom we’re not told) someone – again we’re not told who – informs him that Mona disappeared two years ago. Then he goes back to the bedroom and Mona (now his ex-g/f) is still there ‘laying’ in bed (or possibly ‘lying’ in bed).

This entire paragraph is so disjointed it’s actually hard work trying to figure out what’s going on. I think you need to master writing short, concise sentences before tackling longer ones. Your writing style is working against you because you seem to lose control of the narrative rather quickly.

I can guess what you’re trying to tell us – Adam gets phone calls and there’s no one there – he imagines Mona lying next to him but in reality she is dead. But you reveal this in such a ham-fisted way that it’s almost impossible to follow the plot.

The journal entry just makes matters worse – it’s rambling, incoherent, and filled with soppy expressions of self-doubt.

Then we get more ‘back-story’ if you can call it that. But it’s actually the author conducting a clinical observation of Adam’s mental state. And it reads more like psycho-babble from some self-help book than a story. Why don’t you get on with just telling us the story instead of this tedious analysis?

Having said that, it’s not a complete dead loss – the plot has potential if handled correctly. But you need to decide what you’re going to tell the reader from the start and how you’re going to go about doing that.

You have two parallel stories – one told by the narrator, the other by Adam in his journal. It’s pointless having both if each tells the same story. Why not have one situation where Adam believes Mona is still alive and behaves as if that is so? And in the other he knows she is dead but reports how she is somehow haunting him? The journal entries could then become a pivotal part of the story.

You have a major redraft ahead of you and you need to brush up on your grammar. But if you can keep tighter control of your sentence structure you might have a chance of coming up with something readable.

As for character development – well so far there aren’t any characters in the story. Just two names. If you don't know how to bring characters to life read as much fiction as you can.

H


WOW thanks! an incredible analysis spot on, this is exactly what i was looking for but did not know how to go about handling the story because i wanted to really confuse the reader and leave him mystified on what is happening lol, that was the point for the journal (having a parallel story), so the narrator could tell a story where Adam believes Mona is alive whilst the journal tells a story of Adam haunting him?, you said "But it’s actually the author conducting a clinical observation of Adam’s mental state. And it reads more like psycho-babble from some self-help book than a story. Why don’t you get on with just telling us the story instead of this tedious analysis?" what if his mental state is pivotal part of the story? are you saying i should avoid telling it or tell it in such a way where a tedious analysis is not required? I want to write in a style appropriate for the psychological thriller genre and was thinking of ways to approach it? (Having read zero novels in the genre, which i will need to do more of)

[hillwalker]

There's no need for you to analyse Adam's mental state. Just let the readers discover it for themselves when comparing his journal with the main narrative.

There's such a thing as an 'unreliable narrator' where someone tells their story but bit by bit the reader realises they are either fabricating the truth or delusional. If it's handled carefully you can build up a great deal of tension within the story.

The longer you distance the two parallel stories the more complex the story can become - you can really have fun I guess, leading the reader along. For one thing they'll never Be sure which of the two tales to believe until the end.

H

[shaz619]

Thanks for the guidance hillwalker, will take in all the points you mentioned! :)

[shaz619]

.....

[shaz619]

There's no need for you to analyse Adam's mental state. Just let the readers discover it for themselves when comparing his journal with the main narrative.

There's such a thing as an 'unreliable narrator' where someone tells their story but bit by bit the reader realises they are either fabricating the truth or delusional. If it's handled carefully you can build up a great deal of tension within the story.

The longer you distance the two parallel stories the more complex the story can become - you can really have fun I guess, leading the reader along. For one thing they'll never Be sure which of the two tales to believe until the end.

H

Just finished the story hillwalker what do you think of it?

[shaz619]

What do all you guys think? Cheers ;)