The Comedy/Satire/Pun Poem Contest

[Pendragon]

They tell me I should think of the future
And buy myself a good life insurance policy
It never seems to occur to those advisers
That the only thing assured is my death

[miyako73]

The Uninsured


Globe and New York Life-
Will buy me a wife,
Two cars, a mansion;
Save the two million.
Will give gifts to mom;
Sick dad will get some.
Millionaire, this fool;
Not right, so damn cool.


Forty each monthly,
Damn cheap, totally!
It says Universal-
Maybe not local.
Beneficiary,
My brother Darry.
He can tell a lie,
Say somewhere I die.


Must be out of luck,
Car hit by a truck;
Rope or rat poison-
Hate life, the reason.
Says here policy
Not damn honesty.
False death, fake suicide;
Problem: where to hide.

[AuntShecky]

As it says on all those bills, this is just a "friendly reminder" that the current policy will lapse in 8 days. In other words LitNutters should post their humorous poems for the current contest by Friday, Jan. 24. The topic is insurance --fire, flood,car, life, health --any kind of insurance, even bizarre kinds, such as an publicity-hungry actress insuring her most valuable
(ahem) asset.

[Gilliatt Gurgle]

Camponotus Insure Domus

During the day they chew the rafters,
while I'm at the office, overseeing drafters.
During the night they gnaw the studs,
while I read in bed and drink my Buds.

It's a mutual arrangement,
we left nothing to chance.
Should the house break apart,
we're covered by insure ants.



Camponotus:

http://i963.photobucket.com/albums/ae114/tabuka1/68b1bd725fbcf7c30692af7425d19899_zps3a64208d.jpg

[AuntShecky]

Looks like today's the day to take a look at the policies

Thank you, Yes/No, prendrelemick, cacian, Pendragon, Miyako, and Gilliatt Gurgle for sending in entries! Thanks also (most of you) for remembering that the topic for this round of the contest was insurance. All of your efforts were humorous enough to make me smile.

The comic take could be on any kind of insurance, but according to the entries, life insurance topped the list.Decades ago I heard a story about a widow who was the beneficiary of three separate life insurance policies. Her first husband's demise was caused by poisonous mushrooms. Ditto hubby number two. But the third was found dead at the bottom of a flight of stairs. That's because he refused to eat the mushrooms.

I remembered that elderly joke when I read your very funny poem, Prendrelemick. Your turn to pick the next topic.

[cacian]

AuntShecky thank you oh and the story of the widow and the insurance. what a read!!!, and prendrelemick congratulations a cool piece. ;)

[prendrelemick]

Thankyou.


The next subject or inspiration is........

Newspaper headlines. Can be real, imaginary, stupid, punny, eye catching, obscure or anything.

[AuntShecky]

Forgive me for leaving out the "n" in your screen name. I'll fix it.

[YesNo]

In the morning, bright and cheery,
Waking up, still feeling weary,
Having read the world ended,
With a click we were unfriended--

This happens often in the morning,
Deconstruction without warning.
This time around let's dream it better:
Warmer? Colder? Drier? Wetter?

[Gilliatt Gurgle]

Inspired from the story that accompanied a Ben and Franklin Thanksgiving painting from a few years back.


"La Joconde Plucked"

"La Joconde Plucked!" in bold Eckmann font
read L'Excelsior's headline by Paris avant.
Cafés were bristling with bile indignation.
Da Finchy was theirs by royal acquisition!

From under their nose, the size of de Gaulle,
it flew out of the Louvre, plucked from the wall.
False leads traced to an apartment in Firenze,
and a patriot born in the town of Dumenza.

Meanwhile, three French hens, of twelve days fame,
cooled their feathers Left Bank of the Seine.
You may recall these dames from Cherbourg
guilty of Poe's Murder in the Rue Morgue

Possessing a maiden of such notoriety,
one must defer evidence of impropriety.
Enter two turkeys on holiday from Texas
that odd couple whose lore is quite infectious.

Ben and Franklin, naive as the day is long,
dropped 500 Francs and set sail from Arcachon.
Back home in Dumas, a cultural denial,
eyes were opened by La Joconde's plaintive smile.




http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Vincenzo_Peruggia

http://fr.wikipedia.org/wiki/Excelsior_(journal)

http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=qyMOaROAz9I

[Pendragon]

Church says fighting sin is not easy
morgue has dead bodies
dead man leaves arizona on plane
murdered woman ruled homicide
the water shortage due to lack of town water supply
man beaten in arrest officers suspected
dead man misses important meeting
government shutdown blamed on congress

[prendrelemick]

Last call for this one. It will be all over by the weekend.

[prendrelemick]

Well wha-do-ya know, three utterly different poems. It's like judging between a tree, a bowl of soup and a sunset.


Pendragon. A list of the obvious - so ridiculous and stupid that they could easily be real, and a hint of political satire there - I like that. The humor was a silent hidden thing, that crept up on you .

Gilliatt. I'm becoming fluent in GGspeak, I could almost follow the story of this one, though I thought the Rue Morgue murderer was a gorilla not a hen - perhaps I've still a way to go yet. Anyway the story was brilliant, there's many a laugh still to be found here I think. I liked the infectious/Texas rhyme.

And the Winner is...

Yesno. This was the grower in the bunch, I liked the form and the simplicity and the situation, everything just seemed to work. And well done for bravely highlighting Post Unfriended Stress Disorder, it is an under-researched field.

[Gilliatt Gurgle]

That's three French hens mind you. Thanks for the comments.

YesNo- congratulations, a poem for the times.

[YesNo]

Thanks, prendrelemick!

The next theme for a pun or satire is dogs or cats. I was thinking of this one by Pope:


I am his Highness' dog at Kew;
Pray tell me, sir, whose dog are you?

Deadline: April 15th.

[prendrelemick]

It's raining cats
It's raining dogs
They're pouring from the sky.
The strange tobacco in my pipe
Could be the reason why.

[Pendragon]

The noble dog knows who is Master
The cunning cat knows none at all
Give the dog a name of honor
Why name a cat who comes not when you call?

Pendragon
(C) 3/27/2014

[YesNo]

There are two wonderful entries in this contest. prendrelemick explains why one might see it raining cats and dogs and Pendragon explains why it's a waste of time to name your cat.

They both deserve to win, but I have to pick one. So, the winner is Pendragon!

I have had both cats and dogs over the years. No matter how bad the dog was, the dog always looked up when I called its name. The cats responded more positively to the food can opening although they did tend to try to position themselves on my lap when they weren't called. The dogs thankfully realized they were too big for that.

[Pendragon]

Let's see: We need something to parody for this one? OK Use the first stanza of "The Raven" by Edgar Alan Poe and make it a parody, using Poe's rhyme scheme. Example:

I wrote this one in 1995, and it was published in some forgotten private magazine...

The Raven: Parody #2

Once upon an afternoon so dreary, with my body weak and weary,
The eyes all red and bleary with watching for the mail;
Hoping that the post would bring me, something calculated to spring me
From my doldrums and the things we endure from broken dreams—
From the cold emptiness that echoes from the shades of broken dreams—
All this I wished and more.

I spoke aloud to the evening air each line I’d written with great care
And mailed to someone waiting there, for their consideration.
I’d tried hard to fulfill their needs, sent poems from a heart that bleeds,
Praying that this one succeeds where the others failed before—
Praying to the Great Almighty One this doesn’t fail like those before—
Like the hundreds sent before!

I waited with anticipation, (and a touch of aggravation!)
For submissions I had sent around the Nation to return here to my door.
Then I held the envelope, crossed my fingers and I hoped,
And then the tiny note slid into my sweaty palm:
The pale white tiny note I held within my sweaty palm
Said—“Sorry.” Nothing more—

Dale Harris (C) 1995

Good luck! Second week of May is the deadline

[YesNo]

Weeks until Thanksgiving morning, witlessly and without warning,
While I drank some dark and dirty coffee from the day before,
While my mind was softly sleeping, at my window I saw peeping,
Eyes so wearisome and weeping like those on my girl Lenore,
Fancy feathered body beaming like clothes on my girl Lenore
Whom I've lost forever more.

It was at some party where I saw Lenore and wondered dare I
Introduce myself and there I felt I had a chance to score,
But beside her came another, big and brutish like a brother--
Bullied, beaten by this other guy who thought he loved Lenore.
Now this bird-brained turkey's tapping, rapping out the name "Lenore!"
Only that and nothing more.

There's my ax. It's always ready. There's that bird. I hold him steady.
There's the stump and there's the head he won't be needing any more.
Hesitating for some reason even though it's crazy season
I refrain with ax hand raised and dream about my dear Lenore,
Till the turkey boldly blabbered, blabbered out the name, "Lenore."
Pop. He won't say that no more.

[Pendragon]

Someone else may judge or start a new contest. I am gone until further notice.

[YesNo]

I think we should continue this using the Raven.

[Pendragon]

OK, YesNo, you're up. You had a very good poem and I'm so sorry no one else entered.

[YesNo]

Thanks, Pendragon!

The next line is: "I think that I shall never see a poem lovely as a tree."

Deadline: June 30

[Pendragon]

I think that I will never see
A tome exciting and also free
Indeed unless the prices fall
I may never see a new tome at all

Pendragon
(c) 6/7/2014

[cacian]

I think that I shall never see a poem lovely as a tree."
but then words do not grow free like a tree
they grow about me for me
nature
I can look at and imagine
but a poem
I can sympathise read
the two unrelate
but I to them correlate
separately but at rate.

[YesNo]

There are still a few days left to enter this contest!

[YesNo]

I just realized this contest should be over by now. Sorry for the delay.

Pendragon: I had to look up "tome", but then I realized it was a book. I knew that. Books do seem expensive today. I use the library when possible.

cacian: The last phrase "but at rate" confused me, but the rest made sense. I liked the phrase that words "grow about me for me". Poems and trees do "unrelate", or do not relate, as I would say it.

The winner is cacian!

Congratulations!

[cacian]

hey thank YesNo :)

''at rate''
there just means equally.

and this is the next line
Shakespeare ~sonnet 21 No Fear~

''so is it not with me as with that Muse stirr'd by a painted beauty to his verse''

good luck :seeya:

[YesNo]

I'm better than that Muse, I'd like to think,
Who paints when painted beuaty wants a verse
And uses words to make that beauty worse.
I'd rather wash the paint off in a sink
So I can see what beauty's really there.
Perhaps there isn't any to behold
Except the sparkling of some foolish gold
That we could get for half-price anywhere.
Don't mock fair beauty with a silly rhyme
That no one will remember anyway.
I hope no one remembers though they may.
It's hard to say what's blessed by fickle time.
In order to be different than that Muse
I'll paint my verse and even more paint use.

[cacian]

I think this one is up.
YesNo i will hand this one to you.
a great piece by the way.
the last two lines are cool :)

[Pendragon]

Congrats, YesNo! I must have overlooked this contest... sigh

[YesNo]

In looking through the old contests, I noticed this one. The contest is going again! Comedy, satire, pun and the like.

Subject? It doesn't matter, any subject will do.

Deadline? When I get a few entries.

[Gilliatt Gurgle]

The doorbell rang about ten minutes ago.
It's girl scout cookie season once again.
Pulled out a couple of Hamilton's
at four bucks a pop that means five boxes, right?
(I like to test their math skills,
to be honest it's my way of getting around an older brain)
Decision time again; Samoas are a no brainer
put two in my container.
Two thin mints by order of the wife
One more box, a tough choice,
the scout said she likes "tagalongs"
Sounds good to me.

[prendrelemick]

Unrequited love.

"Romance it is not dead," he said
"Within my heart it beats."
She coyly smiled when this he said,
And offered up some treats.

"These, my lips of cherry red,
You may now kiss with yours,
Upon my bosom rest your head.
But keep out of my drawers."

"Cruel, cruel love" he cried distressed,
"My heart! feel how it pounds."
"Alas!" she said I do not jest,
Forth base is out of bounds.

[YesNo]

One more day for this contest! Deadline Monday evening April 18th.

[YesNo]

Contest is over!


Gilliatt Gurgle: That is a really nice ending with the innocent girl scout recommending Tagalongs. I can just see all this happening.

prendrelemick: The "forth" base reminds me of a home run. Nice meter.

These are both good and thank you for entering them.

Winner: prendrelemick!

[prendrelemick]

Thanks Yesno. Next subject is ... Something you've read in a newspaper or magazine.

[YesNo]

I don’t read the papers so
I must admit I do not know.
I do admit I do not care.
The price of oil might rise somewhere.
Let Britain and the EU split.
Let Scotland have a piece of it.
Let Trump attempt to win the race.
In any case we’ll have to face
Whatever bull might hit the fan.
And in that case who needs a plan?
I only need some place to hide
So what’s unreal can stay outside.