liftup

[cacian]

when you think you have the time
to nearly
turn your self away
rethink your words again,
take it each second fast
bounce it upon a sound
recall that moment once
then see it fly a kiss
above a cloud of doubt
and nowt is but a fuss.

when you think you could've
had
but then you did not there!
retrace that smile again
spin it an air of fame,
then watch from high afar,
minutes that grew so stern
turning each other dust .

billions of stars do care
even
when blows of ware
cry drenched on waterfalls
trickling billions of tears
into a river dear.

it feels so fresh again
and faith is spun a pun
on zeal and silver wheels
nothing but grace is dared.

zillions of sparkles stare
gazing your eyes a pair
of moonlets in a reve,
lifting all veils of time
flashing your life in zen.

[Delta40]

I think some of these lines are well written but as the poem travels it seems to diminish in to short lines of rhyme which does not do the poem justice at all. With a rewrite you would have done better to end the poem at S2.

[cacian]

Thank you Delat40.
Your feedback is very much appreciated.