Wanted

[DieterM]

I want an IPhone IV drip
And full-body dialling
And press my nose for #

I want a printed circuit board
Added to my brains
With high-speed Internet

I want to have the Third World
Flushed down the Toilet
Or my bad conscience surgically removed

I want a bazooka to get rid of
Those car drivers and lazy strollers
And empty the world of real people

I want new Wi-Fi contact lenses
To cover this ugly world
With Google Street Views

I don’t want you to speak to me
Just tweet me or comment on Facebook
Or send me an email

I want an ESC-button
For those ghastly nights
When you haunt my dreams…

[Hawkman]

The rant of a misanthropic technophile is well achieved but I'd alter the order of the stanzas. As it stands there is too much distance between the first personal reference to the "other" (it's unclear whether the opening strophe is being general or specific in it's use of your) and that last sanza which, on initial reading, lands like a lead brick. I would be inclined to move S3 and make it the penultimate verse. This would lead more naturally into the conclusion.

Live and be well - H

[DieterM]

Aye, Hawkman, absolutely. The 'you' in the first stanza was a typo, as a matter of fact. And I agree that the stanzas referring to a "you" should be placed together. I'm (almost) satisfied with what I read now, thanks to you! Best greetings from frozen (yet alas snowless) Paris...

[Hawkman]

Yes, that nails it Dieter :) Thanks for your snowless Parisian greeting by the way. Here in Devon it has at least ceased raining and turned chilly, though not as chilly as last year, thank heaven. But the sun shines, so may it shine on you.

pip, pip

H

[WolfLarsen]

I like this weirded out freaky out there poem. Give me some more baby! Give me your weird, give me your freaked out, give me your truly bizarre! Because I'm so hungry to devour words! I will devour everything!!

[Haunted]

Enjoyed the technology metaphors. Just a suggestion — use computer lingo throughout for consistency:


I want to have the Third World
Flushed down the toilet
Or my bad conscience uninstalled


I want a bazooka to get rid of
Those car drivers and lazy strollers
delete the world of real people

(l/c for "toilet)

And then, "printed" is out of place in a digital world: you don't want a "printed circuit board"!! Besides I'm not sure what's a circuit board (old technology?) I know motherboard but they don't talk about them anymore either. How about terabits or quad-core chip...


I want a quad-core chip
Added to my brains
With high-speed Internet

[inbetween]

got something bad religion like... nice

[DieterM]

thanks everybody for your comments; and haunted, you had me there with your technology lingo! Bear with an old-timer like me, will you, because you threw some words at me that I don't know nothin' 'bout! wha'? quad-core chips? Beg ya pardon, ma'am? LOL Even if I'm rather into new technologies (working on a computer all day long and all that), I don't seem to have the vocabulary, neither in French btw, nor in German, nor in English. You make me feel old all of a sudden... Be sure I'll do an edit of the poem; for the time being, I'll let it stand the way it is (I always prefer to leave my writings untouched for some time, then sit down to re-read them as if they were something coming from someone else...)

[Bar22do]

Ah Dieter, that was so good and even better revised! check for Haunted's suggests - I must do so myself with her quad-core-chip (which sounds like a curse) I'm afraid, hope it doesn't make me smell of grave!!! ;)
Enjoyed your metaphor, but we'd better do with, not without today's technologies. You know, ten minutes learning per day and we're young forever!
Best of all, Bar

[Jerrybaldy]

Good job Dieter. A call to the latest lost generation.