In Arrsupp

[MystyrMystyry]

In ancestral Arrsupp it always rains up
Lakes are adrift in the air
Nighttime is daytime and daytime is night
Nobody gets their fair share

It's here the Boguns bounce on their noggins
'Gainst wet cushions of cloudy sky
The trees grow down throughout the town
Uptight birds on their backs fly

Asleep on the ceiling their dreams are reeling
These Boguns are never awake
Sleepwalking around, feet off the ground
With bodies and faces that ache

Hair full of louses, their houses with mouses
Eat curried dog on a spike
It tastes disgusting because it is in
Fact, but food that they most like

The river winds upward and then on toward
Council's chambers of bamboo
'I've had an idea!' the Mayor bursts, striking fear
'The Boguns need something to do!'

But he is wrong the silly ning nong
Yet listen I'm afraid he won't
They don't need doing, it's not like glueing
The Boguns need something to don't!

In ancient Arrsupp the sprinklers erupt
To signal an early Spring
While gardens wither the councillors dither
What joy the season won't bring

'We can tax them more, then live it up sure!'
The Mayor snorts with airs
A low bench protests: 'But it's not in their interests!'
'Ah bugger the Boguns - who cares?'

'Keep them needing - not enough to stop breeding -
'The policy on which they elected me!
'Of course not publicized because that'd be hubricide -
'Even I wouldn't have selected me!'

The end of the year is the end of an era
He'll holiday on a boat far away
Taking his ascension with a golden pension -
A nest egg the Arrsupp Boguns will lay

[Hawkman]

It's a neat idea and lots of fun, but the rhythm's all over the place, which is a shame.

[AuntShecky]

This one reminds me of "Jabberwocky." That thought might have popped up because I just finished reading Anthony Burgess's fine essay on Lewis Carroll.
Even so, your little ditty has a bit of the absurdly delightful illogic the mathematician indulged in on his days off.

As Hawkman pointed out, your meter is way off the mark. Just too many syllables with their stresses scattered randomly.Despite the deliberately "curious" subject matter, the verse itself has to have a consistent meter, with the stresses falling in the appropriate places in order to work. By the way, Carroll's aforementioned nonsense poem scans perfectly. Getting the meter right is especially important when the writer attempts to include end rhyme; every rhyming end word has to have a stress.

I took the liberty of re-writing your first stanza to see If I could do something with the meter, which is a little like having Arnold Schwartzenegger teaching English elocution. For what it's worth, here's my rewrite which required dropping a couple of words or substituting some words with synonyms in order to have 4 stresses in each line, generally iambic, with the last line:

In ANcient ARsupp it ALways RAINS
Where LAKES all DRIFT up HIGH in the AIR
Where NIGHT is day and DAY is NIGHT
and NOone EVer GETS his SHARE.

Undoubtedly you can do much better than this version^^^, but I think you get the idea.

In that last line "his," instead of "their" so that the pronoun agrees with its
antecedent, both singular. Also you might want to fix the split infinitive "to nearly" --"nearly to."

So I hope you do go ahead and revise. The subject matter's just too cute to
abandon.

[MystyrMystyry]

Thanks guys :)

It was really hot, and I couldn't sleep or concentrate, it took as many revisions as I could stand to even approach the shape it was in. I'll keep chipping away until I'm happy with it though.