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WillHyde
01-13-2012, 10:42 PM
The things that go unnoticed.


My name is Michael Troy.

I use my brain.
It is not that you and others don't, I just don't use mine stupidly.
I call everyone stupid people, as the way I now see the world, I realise you are all oblivious to the things which stand out in life, for example.
You probably left the house this morning, in a certain routine you do every weekday; whether it be going off to work, school or popping off to the shop to get one of those ridiculously sized 1 pint bottles of milk.
Yet, you didn’t notice or pay attention to your surroundings, can you remember if it were overcast or not? You didn’t notice the freshly painted graffiti on the brick wall on your journey, in my case a pair of eyes and the letters MT. What about the wind brushing through the trees or what cars were parked along side yours. Nobody notices these things, its not your fault, you probably had about 6 hours sleep, downing a coffee before leaving.
Or were heavily distracted by the ominous vibration of your blackberry.
I say ominous as they always lead to drama, always.

Back to the point, I am different.
I do notice these things, I can recall that this morning it was an overcast day, grey clouds loomed the sky with patches of frost on cars and grass.
No wind, strange.
On my way to the bus stop, I passed a woman whom I pass everyday, I mean, EVERYday.
I could describe her to you now, I would say 5,5” in height, usually wearing a musky brown coat with blue jeans. ALWAYS wearing flip flops, that annoying sound as I pass her, click clack click clack of her shoes. She has brown hair, in a ponytail, barley washed.

No makeup.
Doesn’t drive.
AND BUYS THOSE SMALL BOTTLES OF MILK.
I don’t mean to come across as angry, I just need to get the picture across.

Another person I see on my trek everyday is a man whom stands on the porch way of his house, smoking. No matter the weather, temperature of humidity, he is there 8am sharp.
I don’t know why I choose to notice these things, I just get bored I suppose.







I have a certain rule, if you would call it that, maybe a question.
You would of all thought of it before, and you would of all tried to spot it until you disregard it and continue eating your sandwich or drinking your diet coke.
Sometimes this query gets you jumpy, makes you a bit scared even. Do you know what I mean?
No, of course you don’t.
This thing even makes you run in fear, not always but sometimes.
But it’s there, nattering away in your sub conscious.

Well I can tell you this, I can tell you the answer.
The answer is yes, you are.
No matter where you are located outside, possibly inside, the answer is yes.

So, he stands outside every morning with his cigarette and cup of tea.
That is important. He drinks tea, I can tell as he leaves the bag still in his mug with the string swaying on the side.
Why tea? Well he doesn’t dislike coffee, but he wants the tea to wake him up in the morning as he seems to arise from his light slumber incredibly early, and judging by the eyes, he doesn’t get much sleep.
I am thinking he is living with an elderly person, probably a mother.

He looks if I do say… dirty, not very hygienic, but he does not care of his appearance, that is clear.
This clearly means he is either married and not to happy in his marriage, or he has been married and widowed or divorced and thinks he will not attempt to rekindle the love life.

He is outside smoking due to his mother inside, for her health as he wants her to stay with him for as long as possible. Probably because he fears loneliness.

Why are they called flip-flops? They do not and most defiantly do not flop, they click clack click clack.
Click Clacks, brilliant.

This is just a few reevaluations of my head and what goes on inside it.
From this I see that the answer to the question for me is yes, it is yes in a bad way.
I only realised it when I was on the bus, gazing off into the misty skies through the window.
Opposite my house is a wall, a brick wall, and those things that were on it, meant I was in danger. And I knew why.



By Will Hyde

Hawkman
01-14-2012, 05:58 AM
Hi and welcome to litnet. The first thing which strikes one about this piece is that it has a major stylistic flaw. It begins by announcing that the narrator has nothing but contempt for the reader, assuming that the reader never notices anything and only buys 1 pint of milk at a time. Really? I know that conflict is the spice of drama, but you don't want to be setting up a conflict with the readership! It's a total turn off.

You should be drawing the reader in, be confiding, conspiritorial perhaps, with this sort of piece. Include the reader, don't berate him. It might be a good idea if you paid some attention to the layout too. Make the paragraphs into paragraphs instead of a stack of one line sentences. You also need to keep an eye on your grammar:

"a man who stands" "These are just a few reevaluations" (reevaluations?)

However, There is potential here. You do manage to create an atmosphere of tension, and as a beginning, with a little attention to the areas I've highlighted, it will work quite well. Only the question remains, where is it going?

Live and be well - H

Varenne Rodin
01-14-2012, 12:34 PM
I think you have potential. I enjoyed parts of this. There are some grammar and spelling issues to work out. The things Hawkman mentioned. "You would of all thought" should be "You would have all thought.." This is a common mistake these days. I'm guessing because people used "would've" a lot and that's the way it sounds. I never use that contraction and I know some sources don't recognize it as being a correct word form. Either way, "would of" does not make sense, "would have" does. With these hopefully constructive criticisms in mind, I look forward to reading more submissions from you. Flip flops can be very annoying, and unsanitary. Good job.

Charles Darnay
01-14-2012, 12:46 PM
It was a bit shaky in the beginning but it picked up towards the end. I see what you're trying to do, I would relate it to Dostoevsky's "Notes From Underground" - viewing the world with contemptuous eyes while professing to see the beauty of it is a great idea and works well in places. But you have to watch out how you start. I think it is the word "stupid" that did it for me. While calling everyone "stupid" and stating it like that, you cannot help but come across as "stupid" yourself.

So we want to dislike your character because he is a jerk, but respect him because he has a point: your character does not allow us respect at the start.

hillwalker
01-14-2012, 04:27 PM
I agree with all the above - it's possible to be an obnoxious character or anti-hero without deriding your readers the way the narrator does here. It comes across as written by some cold, arrogant person who has a weak grasp on grammar - why should the reader respect him enough to continue reading? Even Hannibal Lecter had a certain charm but your narrator does not.

H

Delta40
01-14-2012, 06:46 PM
I personally think it would be better to create a character who holds such opinions about others and about himself. The reader would be so much more interested in what makes him tick, why he separates himself from the rest of the flock rather than snort at the N and lose interest almost immediately. Building a character gives you endless opportunities for background along the way with the tension you wish to create.

good luck.

BookBeauty
01-15-2012, 05:29 PM
Honestly, the narrator does come across as being a little too overbearing.

I did kind of enjoy it. Gotta love the characters you'd love to hate-- but, and this is a big but here-- the grammar and spelling errors made me fill in corrections in my head when I could have been smoothly perusing this casual read.

I think that you might have been able to pull off this piece if you had the wording right.

The way that we word our sentences in writing has a massive impact on our readers, and as said, the contemptuous nature of the narrator has to be backed up with some pretty awesome prose if you want to keep us reading.

I can definitely see the potential in this piece that others do, there is a definite story-telling spark here. You just have to polish, and consider your tone. And try to see yourself being told what you have written.

martunia99
01-16-2012, 03:01 PM
Love it