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BookBeauty
01-13-2012, 04:28 PM
He woke up with something over his eyes. His heart pounded, not to mention his head-- Had he been hit by a truck? He was sitting on something hard, a wooden chair, he guessed.

''So what should we call this one?'' it was a woman who spoke. Her voice was light, even childish.

His mind frantically tried to string together the last moments. Shreds of memory clung to the corners of his mind.

''You always have it made up before they get here,'' another voice, a man's.

Images flooded back into the man that was bound. Walking down a sidewalk with heavy bags. Taking groceries home from the supermarket; it was a simple everyday task. So, why was he there?

''True,'' she admitted.

Suddenly, the fabric brushed softly against his face and was gone from his eyes. Off-white lamps stung his corneas, and he flinched from the light. A slight, pale figure gazed down at him, a light smile brushing across rosy painted lips. Jet black hair sprayed out in pigtails to either side of her face, and the pupils of her eyes were so bright blue that they were almost white.

She wore what he might call ''funky clothing'', on a regular day when he wasn't a prisoner. A white blouse, a tight black vest, and a short black skirt with striped black and white tights made up her attire. The heavy, platformed boots she wore were almost laced entirely up to her knees. Probably had a few tattoos, too.

There was flash of brilliant white teeth, and a glint of flourescent light caught on her lip ring. She hopped to sit at his feet.
''Hey Robin,'' she looked up at him, almost child-like, ''I'm Mira. Head of the PR-Department at our lovely facility. Pleased to meet you! Bruce, could you untie him, please? '' looking over her shoulder as she spoke, a bald-headed man stomped over to 'Robin'. His fingers, sinew wrapped around bone, deftly moved to obey the woman's command.

He then took his place to stand behind the comparatively tiny woman, who squinted up at him curiously. 'Bruce', with a stone's expression, also watched him, pig-like eyes glinting with mirth.

''Why 'Robin'?'' the man called Bruce didn't take his eyes off of him.

''Well, kinda like the Legendary Robin Hood!'' she flashed another bright-white grin, looking back at Bruce, and then pursing her lips, ''This guy's been all over the world, embezzling money. But, here's the cute part: He's been giving it to the poor. Charities, medical foundations, schools... Pretty sweet, right?'' Her tone was almost teasing.

''Yeah, perfect,'' Bruce replied gruffly.

''What's going on here exactly? I... I think I have a right to an attourney!'' Robin interjected. Mira giggled, shaking her head.

''No, no, silly. Don't worry about that, we're not the feds or something. I guess I should explain a bit better,''

''You never were very good at clarifying these things, Mir. He probably thinks we're gonna kill him,'' Bruce smiled wickedly, as if the thought had occurred to him as well.

Mira shot Bruce an icy look before continuing, her tone becoming more serious,
''This place is huge. We've assembled a team of the very best to do what most people think is impossible. See, the system's obviously broken. And we're going to fix it. 'Cause there's no way in Hell any of the world's governments are gonna do it for us. We're going to stop world poverty in its tracks, make the economy sustainable, and help growth and progress of humankind without slavery. And we've got a plan. And now, we've got you.'' Her favourite thing to do seemed to be grinning.
''The bottom line is, when you're running things underground, outside the law, you need to get resources from somewhere. So we need you to do your thing... For us. '' She shrugged as if what she said were the most natural thing in the world.

''So, you want me to steal for you,'' Robin said flatly.

''Yeah,''

''For free.'' He smirked, shaking his head.

''Uh huh,'' she nodded fervently, and then started suddenly shook her head, ''Oh, no! Not free. I mean, you'll have room and board, all the food you can eat! Everything you could want! We've got everything here. And we want to share that with the world.''

''This is a joke,'' Robin swept his arm out suddenly, gesturing to the room they occupied, rolling his eyes. It was an empty, featureless place. The only furniture was the chair he was sitting in, and a filthy desk in the corner, so dust-covered that it might have been called 'brand new' several decades before.

''So, when are you bringing in these so-called 'elite scientists'? In this hunk of junk dust-heap? I'm probably in an old warehouse, and this is some newly developed federal tactic to get me to confess. I'm not impressed, and not interested, and I want my phone call.''


Bruce was suddenly shaking with strange, silent laughter. His crossed arms, as massive as they were, seemed ill-equipped to contain his amusement as he shook. When he stopped, he seemed to realize that the two other occupants of the room were looking at him. It was strange to see such a large, confident-looking man being unsure of himself.

''C'mon, Mira! Where did you pick this guy up anyway? I know you've got a knack for these recruitment things, but, I mean... Look at him! He's a little weasel!'' And Bruce started laughing again.

''This is serious, Bruce. He's the real deal. MIT, Harvard, even Cambridge. We're talkin': biotech, nanotech, computer engineering-- He's spent years multi-disciplining, honing his skills. He's made for this.''

''How do you know all that? I covered my tracks! I was careful!'' It was Robin who burst out hastily.

''It's almost impossible to make a man like you disappear, Rob. Believe me, I know. I watched a whole team of computer guys sifting through the internet with a fine-tooth comb. Erasing your electric footprint-- We did you a favour, by the way. The feds were on your trail. We'd never resort to kidnapping you like this otherwise.''

''I'm really not convinced by any of this.'' Robin smiled.

''Fine. Bruce, could you escort our guest, please? Obviously: Talk is cheap.'' Mira sighed exasperatedly, rolling her eyes as she twisted on a heel in her combat boots and left the room.

Robin was suddenly afraid. Bruce loomed over him with an almost maniacal grin. Robin hopped to his feet faster than he'd ever done in his life to prevent the massive goon from taking his arm, hurrying to follow the tiny, yet fierce woman. He couldn't hear it, but he knew that Bruce was laughing, because he swore he could feel the walls shaking. But as he shot out into the corridor, his breath caught.

They were in an enormous, cylindrical hallway. The center of which revealed a spacious laboratory, separated by clear glass. A dome rose over their heads, catching rays of sunlight that streamed down, making the surgical-white walls even brighter. The laboratory itself was walled with shelves that held plants, beakers, equipment and machinery.

Ceramic tile blended into lush green as grass framed a brook that streamed in through a hole in the upper part of a wall, weaving through the lab into a reservoir on the other end. Robin thought that he saw coi, or goldfish, swimming through it.

Trees rose up, birds observed on high, and insects flew from flower to flower. It was a forest-lab hybrid, and somehow the scientists that busied themselves from laptop to microscope, and syringe to beaker, seemed almost graceful in the way they darted through the chaos.

As all of that was going on in the laboratory, the hallway was also teeming with life. A man in a labcoat was consulting his clipboard. He indicated his findings to a woman in a dress suit, as they walked briskly past. A small man, wearing a grey hoodie and black-rimmed glasses, looked almost criminal as he walked past. His head was down and arms were crossed as he sped into an opening elevator. A little girl, who could not have been more than 10 years old, ran past them, chasing a dog into an adjoining hallway.

''Wow...'' Robin's eyes were wide, and he fought to keep his jaw from dropping.

''Yeah, the dog's actually a robot. It looks so real, doesn't it? Nanotechnology merging with biology-- Sarah's been working on him for only half a year. Child prodigies... Anyway, that's one of the main labs.''

She indicated the center with a careless sweeping motion, ''We have it on show mostly for decorative purposes. White walls can get a bit monotonous, y'know? I've been consulting our art director for a change of scene, but some of the labs need to stay clean. We've got quite a few levels to the facility. This is the first. The room we were just in is basically just a closet where we... Initiate people, for lack of a better word,'' she shrugged, and as she began walking, Robin found himself following mechanically.

''You'll be working in Section 3, in a pretty computer lab. Don't worry, it's not your ordinary lab. We've found computer geeks like to mess with their surroundings. You'll be the fifth member of that team, and you can put in your hours whenever you want. And when you're off-duty, there's plenty you can do to fight off boredom. There's an athletics gym, a swimming pool, an indoor yoga ashram takes up section 6, we have my favourite yogi working there! Ram Abhi, have you heard of him? Oh, and there's the kitchen! Man... Quite possibly the biggest kitchen in the world, if you like cooking or baking. I could spend days in there.'' She stopped at a metallic elevator, pressing the button beside it.

The doors slid open almost instantly, and they moved inside. The elevator was walled with mirrors, with the exception of the two panels beside the elevator doors. One for emergencies, he guessed. The other had numbers climbing up to 20. She pressed a button on the panel, and there was a very sudden drop, a sound like air escaping from a vault, and the doors slid open again.

-----

(As an aside, should this be moved to short stories section? I was a bit confused and unsure where to put it. :) Thanks.)

hillwalker
01-14-2012, 04:20 PM
This is an interesting story and you do a good job of creating suspense from the opening sentence.

A few things to possibly consider though:

‘another voice, this time a man's, pointed out./He had been walking down a sidewalk
- there’s no real need for ‘pointed out’ – we can hear the dialogue and that’s enough. Also the ‘He’ in the sentence that follows appears to refer back to the man who did the pointing out rather than the man who has been kidnapped.

The same applies here – ‘to untie him. He then took his place to stand behind…’ – we’re not always sure which he you’re writing about at any given moment.

You also tell us Robin is lying down when his eyes are uncovered – with the woman looking down at him – so how is he able to see her footwear?

As for the laboratory - like one that Robin had never heard about before – filled with beakers, computer equipment and a garden of sorts. It doesn’t seem exceptional enough to warrant such a description.

And Mir’s explanation for their actions gets a little wordy after a while – it's a lecture rather than a developing plot. You might consider cutting this down to the essentials for now. You don’t want the reader to get bored.

I guess I gotta make it simple. – correct. You seem to be spreading your targets so wide that their motivation becomes a little muddled.

Important-looking people isn’t good enough. Follow your English teacher’s advice – show, don’t tell. What is it about them that makes them look important?

I’m assuming this is the opening to a longer story. It’s well enough written but you spend far too long on exposition. We are fed a lot of vaguely idealistic propaganda but we’re no closer to discovering what these people want with Robin. A lot of readers will have jumped ship long before the end.

H

BookBeauty
01-14-2012, 05:02 PM
Ah, thank you so much for all of your helpful feedback! Looks like this monster's going in the shredder. I've got a lot of work to do on it, I'm thinking. Much of what you've said was my gut-instinct as well, and I suppose one must trust those little voices sometimes. :D

Ah, and our friend wasn't lying on the floor, he had been sitting in a chair. Another something-or-other I need to clarify I suppose. It was mentioned only once in the narrative.

Here I go: Snipsnipsnip. :D

BookBeauty
01-15-2012, 09:29 AM
I'm wicked-awful at organizing my ideas, but I'm hoping that this is an improvement from the first bit.