Two Haikus

[Bewlay Brother]

In December Scenes
Unmolested snow glows pure
But night comes so soon

Oh the splendid grass
The only thing between me
and all of my dreams

[Jack of Hearts]

Bump a WolfLarsen thread on every forum and then go in for a bit of haiku action? Nice.








J

[Alexander III]

The second one is solid, nice and simple and haiku. But the first one just does not jar with me - particuarly the word "unmolested" it just feels wrong, like an orphaned word.

[Twota]

I really like them both.

[Bewlay Brother]

The second one is solid, nice and simple and haiku. But the first one just does not jar with me - particuarly the word "unmolested" it just feels wrong, like an orphaned word.

Untouched or unfettered or pristine (though a bit cliche) would be better for how the haiku sounds, but the poem is meant to feel wrong because it is about the downfall of innocence.

[aliengirl]

The lucid simplicity of both haikus is admirable.

[Alexander III]

Untouched or unfettered or pristine (though a bit cliche) would be better for how the haiku sounds, but the poem is meant to feel wrong because it is about the downfall of innocence.

No I think you misinterpreted me, I like the first one, but the second one I think just doesnt work, as a poem. It may be about the downfall of innocence, which is a great theme, but just because the concept is good dosnt mean the execution is. As a concept it is solid, as a peom it is bad- it just doesnt work.

[Bar22do]

I find the second very beautiful! best to you, bar