More than a Kiss

[Ella Fox]

Any feedback on my short story would be fab! It's only 284 words.

'More Than a Kiss'

I was 16 when Graham walked me home. I walked as slowly as I could longing for the walk to never end. The moon and his blue eyes lit the village. My heart fluttered like a butterfly trying to escape a glass jar.

“Let’s go to Costa Ricca,” he said.
“Yes, lets go next week,” I replied meaning it, not knowing if he did.

He cleared his throat and told me I had a magical energy that lit up every space I entered.

“Never let anyone take away you’re light,” he said, “never forget who you are.”

I could not think of my soul right now, but only of his. Was this his way of saying he liked me? Was he longing to kiss me, like I was longing to kiss him? Would being 34 stop him? But why should age matter it’s just a number.

Although cancer had nearly killed his body, never had I seen anyone more alive. He stood on my doorstep with a smile like that of a man stood at the alter looking at his bride. His watery eyes framed with kind lines starred into mine. Silence as our hearts danced in time. A hug was shared, but my heart sank it was not a kiss.

Was his temptation to kiss me fought by his attempt to make his death as easy on me as possible? Is that what his last 1 - 2 mouths were - a process of making his death easier for those around him?

Although he is now dead he left me the gift of life - the courage to be me. More than a kiss was shared that night.

[MANICHAEAN]

I enjoyed it. Delicate but meaningful twists in the tale.
Keep at it. You have the touch.
Best regards
M

P.S. "you're light" or "your light" ?

[hillwalker]

Mhmm - it is short and because it covers so much ground perhaps it comes across as an idea for a story rather than the finished article.

The first sentence would benefit from a slight retouch. 'I was 16 when Graham first (or last?) walked me home' makes the event more relevant to the narrator. It's a walk she will always remember and the way it's written suggests it only happened the once but it needs making clear.

I like the description of the moon lighting up the village - not so sure about his eyes doing the same. Perhaps more realistically 'The moon lit up his face and behind his eyes I could see a warm glow, strong enough to light us both' - cheesy I know and I'm sure can do better but you get the idea.

The butterfly analogy is a little predictable but you can make it a stronger, more original image by rephrasing it 'My heart was a butterfly trapped in a glass jar, fluttering towards the light'. It reinforces what you have already told us but also suggests more subtly how you felt.

Now right up to the mention of the cancer that 'had nearly killed (??) his body' I was with you every step of the way. But things got a little confusing after this point. Hearts dancing in time - means what? 'it was not a kiss'. What's the it? I'd consider simplifying this - he gives you a warm, comforting hug - but a hug is not a kiss. Not the kiss you were longing for. Considering you were contemplating running away to Costa Rica together it seems hard to figure out why they didn't kiss... but no matter.

Then we get the philosophising about why he didn't kiss - because he was dying and wanted to make his loss as painless as possible. Again it could be rephrased to make it seem less like some lesson in life.
And I didn't get the 'gift of life' issue since it could suggest a lot of things. Did he leave her carrying his baby? Did he donate a kidney? See where I'm going with this? What he left her was the ability to cherish life and make the most of her own future but the way you wrote it a lot of readers are going to come up with something totally different.

I think you have the springboard here to a much more powerful story. Work on it and don't be tempted to take short-cuts or make it too sugary sweet in order to appeal to a certain type of reader. If it's in any way based on true events I'm guessing there's a lot more you have to say for yourself. But even if it's 100% fiction, try to put yourself in her shoes and tell us what it was really like.

H

[osho]

Any feedback on my short story would be fab! It's only 284 words.

'More Than a Kiss'

I was 16 when Graham walked me home. I walked as slowly as I could longing for the walk to never end. The moon and his blue eyes lit the village. My heart fluttered like a butterfly trying to escape a glass jar.

“Let’s go to Costa Ricca,” he said.
“Yes, lets go next week,” I replied meaning it, not knowing if he did.

He cleared his throat and told me I had a magical energy that lit up every space I entered.

“Never let anyone take away you’re light,” he said, “never forget who you are.”

I could not think of my soul right now, but only of his. Was this his way of saying he liked me? Was he longing to kiss me, like I was longing to kiss him? Would being 34 stop him? But why should age matter it’s just a number.

Although cancer had nearly killed his body, never had I seen anyone more alive. He stood on my doorstep with a smile like that of a man stood at the alter looking at his bride. His watery eyes framed with kind lines starred into mine. Silence as our hearts danced in time. A hug was shared, but my heart sank it was not a kiss.

Was his temptation to kiss me fought by his attempt to make his death as easy on me as possible? Is that what his last 1 - 2 mouths were - a process of making his death easier for those around him?

Although he is now dead he left me the gift of life - the courage to be me. More than a kiss was shared that night.
I like this story for the sheer beauty of it and something not humdrum we come across in most storytelling. That age is just a number is a powerful statement and the story, though overly short is a glimpse of beauty and the writer has carved it out of imagination and I like it since it has a blend of the supernatural and the mundane. It seems you have the knack of writing stories no matter how short they become. Length is not something that matters it is indeed the impression and I bet any reader if he reads it without any preoccupations can enjoy it

[Steven Hunley]

This is a wonderful piece. I didn't expect to get so much out of so few words.
Sure, it needs work, but that's why it's here. People here can see the
potential and are happy to help. Certain phrases work their magic, like:

My heart fluttered like a butterfly trying to escape a glass jar.

Or:

Silence as our hearts danced in time.

These two phrases make it worth reading the other two hundred or so words. Keep working, keep writing, keep posting and see what happens.

[Ella Fox]

Thank you so much for all you're feedback. I've been writing for years and it's the first time I've ever shared it, so to get some positive comments has made me very happy! Thank you!