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smerdyakov
01-09-2012, 05:39 PM
"Pint of lager there please."
The bartender reeled off the names of at least a dozen different lagers they sold.
The taps had funny names on them. Foreign beers. The bartender, eastern European. Polish? That neck of the woods anyway.
Didn't see the bike, too dark.

"Carlsberg please then," the man answered.

Nice place it was as well. Low lights.
Didn't hurt the eyes. Passed by the place all right. Never went in. There was a hotel upstairs.
Busy for stag parties, hen parties and that. Touristy place. Quiet today.
Came out of nowhere.

The bartender put down a beer mat and placed the pint in front of him. The man handed him a five euro note.

"5.50 please, sir." The man dug into his pocket for change. He fished out a palm-ful of coins, screwing up his eyes.
His hands were big and gnarled looking, the joints all misshapen.
They looked less like hands and more the like the feet of some prehistoric animal. They shook violently.

"Here, lad, you've younger eyes than I have." He poured the coins down on the counter in front of the bartender.
The bartender nodded.

Don't say much, the poles. Worked with loads of them on the sites. No crack out of them. Get the money and go home, that was it.
A lot of them gone back now, since the bust.
Probably made their honey as well.
Didn't see them out in pubs squandering it.
No lights. In the pitch dark! What the hell were you doin with no lights boy!
Plenty of lads I know who worked like dogs during the boom haven't an arse in their trousers now. Drink. Fools and their money.
Came at the right time for me the bust.
A young brickie today would be screwed.
Have to emigrate they would. Not a scrap of work for them here.
Appeared he did, just f u c king appeared in front of me eyes.
I couldn't do the graft anymore with the back. The hip was worse.
I could see the moon reflected in the dark puddle on the ground. Dark and oily looking.
Aches and pains everywhere. Can't turn in the bed most nights. Cortisone injections were good though.
Started taking them last year. Wear off after awhile.
The face was wan. Eyelids closed like he was saying prayers.
That was the thing. Better than the tablets the doctor said.
Still take the tablets as well though.
The puddle growing wider on the black tar, the moon reflecting off it.

hillwalker
01-09-2012, 06:10 PM
This is a very effective piece because we can figure out what's happening without having it spelled out for us. I like the balancing act between the old guy going about his life as if nothing has happened and the internalised dialogue that proves otherwise.

I'm not so sure about The face was wan. Eyelids closed like he was saying prayers. as it seems to be demanding an emotional response from the reader when the subtle approach works better.

h

smerdyakov
01-09-2012, 06:28 PM
Thank you Hill for the feedback. I'm glad you liked it. I thought the stream of consciousness thing was the way forward here. Good to know you think it worked well. Thanks.

Jack of Hearts
01-09-2012, 09:42 PM
Experimenting seems to have paid off here. Nice one, smerd, way to push it forward.







J



EDIT: This reader read the 'dark puddle' as blood and the moon reflecting in that... was this the intended reading?

smerdyakov
01-10-2012, 01:16 PM
Hey Jack. Yes, that was the writer's intention.
Thanks for the feedback. :)

AuntShecky
01-10-2012, 04:41 PM
Cause and effect, right? But is the cause DWI (driving while intoxicated)
or advancing age on the part of the driver?

smerdyakov
01-10-2012, 05:41 PM
Hi Auntie. I had the idea of an elderly man sitting at a bar reminiscing about something; then the thing about him running some boy over came into it. I thought it worked well as a stream of consciousness thingwy, as one offsets the other. As for the cause, yes advancing age, as I put in one or two references to his eyes. Was just having a dabble at something different. :)