The Stationmaster

[Delta40]

The stationmaster sniffed his indifference
when I sneezed my disgust at the cost.
But this man's heart was nowhere to be found
since his football team had just lost.

While I tried to get my point across
his radio trumpeted the score.
A deathly silence rose between us
then the radio blared it once more.

Just pay the goddam ticket he roared in the fiercest tone.
Then you'll be a passenger babbling on your mobile phone.

Oh and don't mind the day old newspapers
strewn across vacant seats.
Ignore the empty fast food wrappers
and crispy things under your feet.

So I coughed up the fare for the ghastly, rattling train
He spat out the ticket, smiled and said, Do you think it might rain?.

[MystyrMystyry]

Very funny Delta. And you've done the rhyme thing like a pro. Though you need to be careful not to sway the rhythm with some wrong word choices/placements:

St 1 Line 4 ends with lost
St 2 Line 1 ends with across

This is a bit confusing because suddenly the rhythm is compressed by half, and in the same stanza line 3 ending in us squishes it again to force the sense that there's now a couplet going on which wasn't there before.

But the story's a good one, which is the main Deltaesque thing :)

[Delta40]

Thanks MM. I must admit my rhythm is ****ed, which is why I gave up music! Much appreciate the feedback

[Bar22do]

It could definitely be a song, Delta. With some interesting rhythm irregularities, or rapp. Anyhow, coming to your threads now is as coming to that special place where one knows the quality one gets! Thanks for that. Bar

[Buh4Bee]

I read for the story, so I won't comment on the structure. I enjoyed your usual level of cynical humor. Thanks for a good read.

[cafolini]

I wouldn't change a thing. This is pretty good. The man would eventually do the same. The ticket is much cheaper (I imagine) and makes more sense than the prolongued use of the cellular or the expensive fast food. That his team lost has him at ease doing something he did much faster than usual.

[Jerrybaldy]

A rhyming Delta :) What ever next. That was fun.... but hold on I think I hear him..... yes I am sure.... Hill the rhyme hater is gonna get you !! lolol.

[aliengirl]

A good funny read. I wish I had the talent to describe an incident in such a poetic way. :)

[Lokasenna]

Wonderful!

It is a succinct, eloquent and witty little portrait of an event. I can entirely empathise with rhythm issues - I suffer from abominable rhythm as well. But I don't think that does anything here to destroy or damage the poem.

[Delta40]

I read Hill's latest FAQ's and no rhyming allowed on Lit-Net so I won't venture there again in case there are conseqences! But thanks everyone so much for your reviews.