Unpleasant (Agnst/angry fiction)

[kangels4ever]

This has been removed due to the reason listed below.

[AuntShecky]

There's nothing wrong in having an author's preface, but one should be careful of explaining too much before the reader has a chance to read the story and discover what is there on her own.
Let the story stand on its own merits.

Experimentation is okay, but it's probably a good idea to know the rules (at least) before attempting to break them. I daresay it's a tad too soon for most of us on the LitNet to compare
ourselves with Steinbeck.

By that I mean, basic punctuation rules (for example, using quotation marks around the dialogue, the inexplicable apostrophes in simple plurals), spelling ("contretemps") and understanding basic sentence structure (for example, run-on sentences characterized by a comma splice.) Try to get some consistency with your verb tenses.

As to the story itself: rather than the choppy format, with short passages headed with the character's name, it would have been better to present a seamless flow of the narrative. I'm afraid the two narratives aren't as tightly "woven" as you might have intended.
As in the preface,try not to "tell" the story but "show" the drama with subtlety, nuance, and
surprise. Avoid tired old expressions.

[Jack of Hearts]

There is just no nice way to be honest about this. Your stories give this reader all the wrong vibes, man, and it's a 'between the lines' kind of thing.

There are a few spots where you're doing the overly long sentence thing again ("corner of his eye... son rounds corner, etc."). And this reader isn't convinced the POV switch is working here as, at parts, they read practically the same.

Good luck. Don't punch your dad out.




- Jack Who Farts

[Varenne Rodin]

Writing can be a nice therapy, but these are reading like very dramatic diary entries. I feel uncomfortable reading them. I don't really understand all of the rage. I detached a bit from some people after deaths of loved ones, but I never felt venomous rage toward them for reacting differently to loss. I hope this is all giving you some closure and that you can one day achieve a healthy life, and reflect some of that in your work. We should learn from our experiences. Holding on to too much bitterness isn't good for anyone. Good luck.