Toy Soldire

[natroyce]

I live under ground
I live in darkness
It was my choice no one forced me there
Sometimes I go outside, only at night
Light hurts my eyes but I keep looking
I want to tell someone, anyone, maybe you
Back there I scream and tear myself
I can’t stop, it’s all too real
What I did was insane and cruel
Rage consumed me
Remorse confounded eternity
When I see you I wince
You ask me my name
I am nameless until dawn
You smile with kindness
Now I have to leave
I ponder your life
What would it be to have a childhood?
I feel these walls
How did scent of jasmine find me?

[Bar22do]

Hey natroyce and a happy new year. I think your poem has some good potential, it is sincere; while reading it, I could feel the pain it expresses, timid forgiveness in fragrant jasmine, hope the protagonist might leave "these walls" one day. But I don't know what Toy Soldire is/means and there are other obscure moments.
Perhaps you could work on revision and share a clearer version of your poem? In any case, thank you for unveiling a corner of your inner self and I am looking forward to reading more. Bar

[natroyce]

Happy new year Bar

I grew up in a war, we played outside while the soldiers skirmished

It was a game for us but we did witness somethings no one should see

Toy Soldire referrers a sole in dire from playing



I don't know how to fix my poem without sharing how nasty humans can be and I don't want to that.

I would appreciate suggestions on how I could.

Thanks for the feedback

[hillwalker]

I got a feel for the history behind this poem - a child growing up in a battle zone. And there's no real need to 'fix' anything. It's quite powerful because it's written with the voice of an innocent, bewildered victim of some unknown conflict.

My only quibble is the title - it looks like a typo (Soldier) but is actually a rather weak pun on the words Soul and Dire. It detracts from the simple subtlety of the poem, but other than that minor criticism I enjoyed it.

H