Shadow Dancing

[Jack of Hearts]

delete

[Jack of Hearts]

HAIKU

Early Sunday rain
dreams upon the earth; screw it,
do the Niners play?

[Jack of Hearts]

****, the syllables worked out.

[Hawkman]

I really like your Haiku :D

This thread's title poem is a difficult read though. The line breaks, punctuation and word choices make it so, particularly in S1. Get past this and it's actually very evocative.

"Barefeet on wood,
table and skirt over board cracks
raising dust, her stomps
come like breath-beats;
she tops every quick step
with fast hand claps."

The last line needs another word, a pronoun, or definite/indefinate article. Failing that, 'shadow' needs to be plural.

This poem took me back to a smoky, candle-lit cellar in El Ferrol, circa 1981.

Live and be well - H

[hillwalker]

I can live with the final stanza of the first poem being the way it is - 'shadow dancing' as an abstract definition of what you can see from the bar.

But I think the first verse would benefit from some tinkering - perhaps adjusting the word choice and metre to echo the sounds and rhythm of flamenco. A little more Staccato, maestro.

As for the tongue-in-cheek haiku, leave me out.

H

[Bar22do]

The originality of this poem lies in the bar client's imagination. Maybe his vision is alcohol influenced, maybe not, but this is exactly what he sees in the shadows...


Barefeet on wood table/,/ (should it not be "barefooted"???)
(and) skirt over board cracks-
dust rises; she stomps,
come like breath-beat she tops
every quick step with fast hand claps.

As bracelets swirl silver
like a silent tamborine,
(we see,) at the bar, /I see/
no dancer, (but) /only/
shadow dancing. (I'd unify the last two S)

() = what I'd lose, // = what I'd add

and yes, one more touch of stacatto, though there is some as I read you out loud.

Like your poem, Jack, and wish you continuing inspiration! Bar