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serveitup61
01-05-2012, 10:05 PM
*This is a little piece I did a short while ago that I don't quite know what to do with... I don't know if it would be useful anywhere, but for some strange reason I like it and all its eccentricities. Let me know what you think.*

Bob and the Lucky Penny, by Tommy


Bob found a penny on the corner of 5th and Main. When he found it, the side of Lincoln’s little copper face was sticking up into the air. Bob smiled and said, like many have said, “Oh, a lucky penny! I shall take and keep it for myself and perhaps I will have a lucky day.”
I suppose Bob was just a sucker. A sucker into the cultural delusion that a worthless piece of metal can change the course of a day. A sucker into the cultural delusion of the existence of luck itself. I doubt very much that Bob was very lucky at all, because exactly 7.0892 seconds after he picked up his precious penny, Bob was struck by a bus and he died.
Some freaks will argue and say that Bob really was lucky. One freak will say, “Life is merely a curse. Bob was indeed lucky enough to be terminated so quickly and painlessly.” But let’s ignore the freaks for now. Let’s say Bob was unlucky.
Bob was unlucky, but it wasn’t entirely his fault.
I suppose it was Little Suzy’s fault. Little Suzy, earlier that day, reached into her coin purse and dropped that cursed penny into the road. When she dropped the penny she thought, “It is only a penny and the road is so very dangerous. I shall not try to retrieve my penny from the road, for I do not want to be struck by a bus.” Little Suzy was raised good and proper, and she did not think a penny was worth dying for. She did not believe in lucky pennies, because Little Suzy believed in God. Perhaps God saved Little Suzy from dying a violent death on the corner of 5th and Main.
Poor Bob.
I suppose it wasn’t Little Suzy’s fault at all, for dropping that penny in the road. No. I suppose it was actually Bum Joe’s fault that Bob went after that penny on the corner of 5th and Main. After all, Bum Joe was sitting on the corner of 5th and Main when Little Suzy took out her coin purse to give him some spare change. When Little Suzy dropped the penny, Bum Joe thought to himself, “Perhaps I will grab that penny from the road, and use it to buy a soda pop.” (Bum Joe was wildly unaware of how expensive things are these days) “However, if I venture into the middle of the road and attempt to acquire that penny, I would also be risking my life.” So Bum Joe decided that the penny wasn’t worth the effort and he stayed put.
Poor Bob.
I suppose that it wasn’t Bum Joe’s fault that Bob decided to get hit by a bus on the corner of 5th and Main. After all, he probably never wanted to be a bum, and he probably never wanted Little Suzy to give him spare change and drop a penny that would kill Bob. No, it wasn’t Bum Joe’s fault. I suppose that it was Bum Joe’s father’s fault. After all, if Bum Joe’s father had not abused and neglected Bum Joe, perhaps Bum Joe would just be Joe. Bum Joe’s father is the reason Bum Joe was begging on the corner of 5th and Main. Bum Joe had daddy issues. Bum Joe’s father often thought to himself, “My son Joe is the son I never really wanted to have. Perhaps I will abuse him into submission. Perhaps Joe will become a bum on the corner of 5th and Main, because that would bring me satisfaction.” Bum Joe became a bum who received spare change from Little Suzy who dropped the penny that killed Bob because of Bum Joe’s father.
Poor Bob.
I suppose that none of these people are truly to blame. I suppose the real culprit is Lincoln. After all, it was Lincoln who was the 16th President of the United States. It was Lincoln who was assassinated by John Wilkes Booth in Ford’s Theatre in Washington D.C. on Good Friday, 1865. It was Lincoln who was printed on the penny. It was Lincoln’s face that became a sign of good luck if it was found in the road on the corner of 5th and Main. I suppose it was Lincoln’s fault.
Actually, it was stupid Bob’s fault. Bob walked out into the road on the corner of 5th and Main in order to pick up a worthless little penny and was struck by a bus.
Quit blaming other people, Bob.

Jack of Hearts
01-06-2012, 03:09 AM
Is this an exercise in measuring causality?

What about the bus driver, who probably had a clean 15 seconds to apply to break or honk the horn between seeing Bob spot the penny, depart the sidewalk, utter a whole sentence embedded with his intention and disposition toward that intention, retrieve the penny and still have 7.0892 seconds to spare.

But the biggest moral of the story is that you need to put line breaks between paragraphs. You know, for luck, and uh... readability.






J

hillwalker
01-06-2012, 09:05 AM
This is more of a moralistic fable than a short story – stereotypical characters being manipulated so that the author can ponder whether luck exists or not, whether life is a curse or a blessing. Personally this doesn’t appeal – the internalised dialogue of the main players is a little too artificial.

The only time I smiled was when you decided to blame Lincoln. That was an unexpected twist. But overall it’s just a bit of harmless fun stretched into a rather dated fairy-tale-type interlude.

I’m not sure where you can go with this other than the pages of ‘Readers Digest’ if they’re still about.

H

WolfLarsen
01-06-2012, 10:19 AM
Wow! Reader's Digest! That was mean!

I thought the story had some unusual twists. And for that reason I think it is better reading than much of the stuff I came across in prestigious literary magazines, although that doesn't say much. I think that there is some merit to the piece, because you don't know what's going to happen next. I like unexpectency. Is unexpectency a word? Does it matter?

Anyway, this piece is certainly better than anything in Reader's Digest.

juliaj
01-10-2012, 05:01 PM
I thought it was pretty entertaining. My problem is that an average man, a little girl, and a homeless man all have the exact same voice, i.e. your voice. I have trouble believing a child would begin a clause with the word "for," or that a homeless man would use the word "venture." I do like your style, but it should be reserved for the narration; each character needs a distinct voice.
-JJ

Bewlay Brother
01-10-2012, 07:27 PM
I initially had the same thought that Julia had about them all having the same voice. I don't think it is a problem because I think you did it for comedic purposes, and yes, I did find it pretty funny to imagine a little girl having a little debate with herself like that. Something about the way she simplifies a pretty serious topic with a satiric tone, though not sure what it could be satirizing.


I suppose Bob was just a sucker. A sucker into the cultural delusion that a worthless piece of metal can change the course of a day. A sucker into the cultural delusion of the existence of luck itself. I doubt very much that Bob was very lucky at all, because exactly 7.0892 seconds after he picked up his precious penny, Bob was struck by a bus and he died.

I would change "A sucker into the cultural delusion of the existence of luck itself" to "A sucker into the delusion of luck itself".

And I would take out the very in "Bob was very lucky at all".

Just two minor tweaks.

serveitup61
01-10-2012, 08:56 PM
Thanks guys. Bewlay Brother, you were correct about my use of dialogue. The characters are purposely portrayed in a similar manner, to achieve a simple comical effect. I found it funny to picture a homeless man and a little girl talking in the same strange dialect (one that belongs in Pride and Prejudice, at that).
I assumed it was rather apparent that this piece is more of a whimsical, fantastical causality account, rather than a rigid and logical narrative. For that reason, those who read this assuming that it should have been perfectly restricted by logic should re-read it knowing that's not how I roll (and yes, I did realize that the bus driver had a "clean 15 seconds" to alert Bob to get the hell out of his way, but that's not what this story is trying to say, so bugger off).