Log in

View Full Version : Powerless



serveitup61
01-05-2012, 07:22 PM
*Thanks for reading! Please, please, please critique me to your heart's extent. I can handle it. I love the feedback. Thanks again :)*

Powerless, by Tommy


I was sitting at my computer several days ago when the power went out in my house. The sudden darkness and collective halting of every piece of machinery I owned startled me, and I found myself sitting alone in the dark. I never felt truly alone when the house was alive with electrical rhythms. My appliances, I felt, kept me company.
I thought to myself, “No problemo, my laptop will still work.”
But when I sat back down in my desk after checking to see if the neighbor’s lights were out (they were), my laptop would not turn on. Stranger still, my cell phone, my mp3 player, and even my camera would not work either. Everything was dark.
I was bored. I swiveled in my chair for ten minutes, with the intent of returning to my useless net-surfing.
That was when I first realized how frightfully pathetic I am.
I pulled a flashlight from my desk and aimed it all over the walls as I swiveled in circles. The little ball of light danced on my striped blue wallpaper. After a few minutes of this I decided that I was far too old and mature to be as enthralled as I was by a flashlight.
I released a heavy sigh, gripped the chair’s armrests, and lifted myself to the feet. I walked around my house searching for candles. The lack of power gave the house an abandoned feel. I was so accustomed to the subtle blinking lights, and the silent whirrings within the walls, that when they were gone, I felt I had never been in the house before.
I found a big scented candle in my kitchen, and took it to my bedroom where I would wait for the power to come back on. It wasn’t long before my room started to smell strongly of “Cinnamon Spice.”
After swiveling in my chair a few more times and a few a unsuccessful attempts to finish books I had started years ago yet never finished, I decided to search my closet for something to do.
Apart from clothes, I liked to keep old nostalgic mementos from my childhood in my closet. I kept those things in boxes that I hadn’t so much as touched for decade or so. With my flashlight in my mouth, I looked through boxes of things I had long forgotten: athletic awards from high school, overly expressive handmade cards from old girlfriends, old song lyrics I had written.
“Junk,” I said to myself.
I pulled out some pictures of an awkward, skinny me. There were pictures of me at a middle school dance, with my arm around my date in what appeared to be an uncomfortable fashion. Back then I never thought that girl that I was standing next to was attractive, but she eventually became one of the most breathtakingly beautiful women I had ever seen. If I could go back, I would have held her more closely and I would have certainly offered her my jacket when the night got cold. There were other pictures of myself as a brace-faced, squeaky pre-teen at summer camp. I shook my head, tacitly reprimanding my former self for allowing my hair to grow that out of control. One set of pictures showed me at a prom picture party senior year of high school. I smiled as I thought back to that night. My date was a girl I was dating at the time, and I thought she was perfect. We held hands everywhere we went, and she kept saying I bore a striking resemblance to James Bond in that tuxedo.
Before I could reminisce too thoroughly, I ran out of pictures and moved on to another box of old things.
At one point I looked up at the boxes taking up so much room in my closet and considered throwing them away. They were big boxes, going against my natural inclination for an efficient use of space. Besides, they only contained memories that reminded me how much of a loser I used to be. I’ve worked hard to grow out of my self-conscious, dweeby years. I’ve come to like the man I am in relation to the kid I was once.
I was going to move the boxes from my closet to throw them away, when I came upon a box of old plastic soldier figurines. “My little green army men,” is what I used to call them. These little guys, with their crudely molded bodies and their bent rifles and their dramatic battle poses, had fantastic battles on the scuffed floors of my childhood home. I used to create two teams and built them forts, which was the fun of the entire thing, and acted out spectacular battle scenes where the occasional giant tennis ball would knock out an entire troop of men. I loved these little guys.
I was going to put them away, but I accidentally tipped a few of them out of the box.
As I reached down to pick them up, one of them got to his feet. He looked me in the eye and yelled, “At your command, sir!” And he threw a salute. Almost impulsively, I removed the flashlight from my mouth and said, “As you were soldier.”
The other soldiers were climbing out of their box and lining up next to that one. They all saluted me and addressed me as their supreme leader. One soldier had to put his flamethrower down to properly salute me.
I was a child again.
I split the men into two troops, and built bases for them out of big books and shoes. I had to chew out one soldier who was slow to respond to one of my orders because he was too busy chatting about his wife and kids back home to a fellow private.
The battle was set and about to begin.
At the moment I was poised to throw a tennis ball at a few unfortunate fighters, my room was filled with light and the noise of my air conditioner began whirring away. My computer, phone, and mp3 player came to life with their familiar startup noises.
I looked down at the floor. The army men had become lifeless plastic toys among flimsy forts of books and shoes.
“Stupid,” I muttered to myself, chuckling.
I put them back in their box and put the box back on a shelf in the closet, next to other boxes of childhood nostalgia. I had forgotten about my idea to throw them away, so I left them there in the closet.
I sat down at my computer and didn’t get up for hours after that.

smerdyakov
01-05-2012, 08:06 PM
Hi serveitup61. Welcome to the forum.

This is quite a tender reminisce, however, it doesn't qualify strictly as a short story.It reads more like a diary entry. I will say, though, that the writing is mostly solid and has a good flow to it. On the downside, it's overwritten in places and too drawn out. If we look at it objectively for a second: nothing really happens, and no result is achieved - the narrator's brief self reflection hasn't had an impact - as he goes back to his computer and "didn’t get up for hours after that." By this I am assuming the point you are making in the piece is that constant use of technology spoils the imagination.

Any writing is good though, innocuous or not. It helps flex the muscles for something bigger, and better. Good luck :)

serveitup61
01-05-2012, 08:36 PM
thanks for your comments. you are spot on with what I was attempting to convey with this piece: that the constant use of technology spoils the imagination. Yet I also tried to convey a certain nostalgia we often overlook due to our busy and fast-paced lives. In the places where it may seem overwritten, I tried to make it seem like the break from technology allows time for a necessary self-reflection.
However, I do not consider this a diary entry, simply because it contains a message. Yes, not a lot happens, but enough happens to extract a message, which I believe immediately qualifies this as more than just a menial and routine diary entry.
I'm not sure if you have read James Joyce's "Araby," (I'm sure you have, as you are from Dublin) but I have been trying to capture exactly the kind of feel that story is written in.
Thanks very much for your comments, I will happily consider them in my forthcoming edit. :)

cafolini
01-05-2012, 09:41 PM
I loved this because it is very rich in images of the past in contrast to the apparent present. But if you were to tell all you do with your computer, you probably eliminate the prefference for one world or the other.

hillwalker
01-06-2012, 09:04 AM
Most would agree that this is well-written and a pleasant enough diversion. But it’s also a little lightweight. Narrator suffers power cut so decides to sort out his closet.

But there’s some originality at work here also - the moment when the writer revisits his childhood came across as intriguing. However, it seemed as if the power cut had been manufactured in order to give him an excuse to trawl his back pages. Would one really carry out such a long-overdue exercise armed with just a single candle in the middle of a blackout? The scenario seemed a little far fetched.

There was also a lot of ‘swiveling’ – the ennui of the opening few paragraphs a little overdone.

And the ending could have been handled a little more subtly instead of tying up every loose end so neatly. The story actually finishes when every electrical appliance comes to life and you are forced to accept you are now a grown man. There’s no need to destroy the spell quite so brutally by deciding not to throw your mementoes away then returning to your computer. In fact that final line is a bit of a letdown.

Good writing though – hoping to see more of your stuff on here.

H

WolfLarsen
01-06-2012, 10:30 AM
I enjoyed it. Particularly when the soldiers came to life. And then when the lights came on all of a sudden. It was a shock. The readers need to be shocked now and then to keep them awake.

And then there was the whole age nostalgia thing. It was well handled. Amusing.

The reader felt a little bit the hopelessness of man too.