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CinDRnyc
01-02-2012, 09:02 PM
The assignment is:
Write a descriptive essay about a person, place, or event that has helped to define who you are or that has had an impact on your life.

What do you all think? :nod: Be honest my professor is a stickkkklerrr!

All That Kink n' Curl

On November 19th, 2009 I made a firm decision that would impact me for the rest of my life. I went cold turkey from the “creamy crack” obsession that had caused me so much pain and suffering for the last sixteen years. I call it this because I was so addicted to how it made my hair look that I couldn’t stop. With over one-hundred relaxers under my belt, each one further disintegrating any trace of my real ethnicity, I became numb to the grueling process. After my first relaxer, my identity became permanently glued to how perfectly straight my hair looked and this was my reality. Relying on the approval of others as a young girl caused me to deny my natural hair texture for so long, but when my last relaxer horrifically damaged my hair, I was forced to stop. As I learned to manage my new growth, I began to find pleasure in styling it; this caused me to embrace my true ethnicity and feel comfortable in my own skin. Considering taking this out>>>>(The day I received my last relaxer was monumental for me, the layers began to slowly peel away to reveal a scared little girl who was once brainwashed to feel imperfect and ugly. )

A hair relaxer is a hair straightening product made of caustic sodium hydroxide that is used to permanently smooth out kinks and curls into perfectly straightened strands. In the Dominican culture, the texture of a woman’s hair determines her “true beauty.” Straight, long, silky, and full hair is the ideal and if a woman does not have this quality, she is considered “flawed.” This ideology is so incredibly prevalent in the Dominican culture, that even struggling and poor families will scrounge up any money they have, to get their daughter’s hair relaxed, so that she can have “good hair.”

My mother didn’t know how to handle my incredibly thick, curly, kinky hair. Painful memories of the torture sessions I endured as a child creep back into my memory. Tears soaked my face as she yanked, pulled, and tugged my tender mass of cotton-like strands in an attempt to detangle them. My mother didn’t know it then, but my type of hair was not supposed to be detangled when dry, only when soaking wet and saturated with conditioner. Incessant comments from friends and family floated around me and tormented me, like being poked with a stick of sharp thorns without defense. “Oh, poor girl has got some bad hair, when are you going to take her to the shop? She is so pretty except for that kinky hair!” They nagged continuously.

My 1st trip to the beauty shop for a relaxer finally arrived. I was eight years old. Part of me felt it was wrong to have to change my natural hair to be “pretty” but as I entered the shop, the chattering stopped at a halt, as they all stared and snickered at my large mane of cottony tresses. With flush-filled cheeks and embarrassment filling my demeanor, I wanted to crawl into a hole and die. My mother tried to console me and urged me to sit in the padded chair. “My hair must be so hideous, I must make it straight so I can have good hair” I reasoned. As she mixed the toxic ingredients, it seemed as easy as making a cake. The creaminess was enticing, smooth and silky like vanilla frosting. I couldn’t have known the hidden danger lurking beneath the velvety mixture.

As she continued to mix, a pungent odor of bitter chemicals filled the air and its acidity lingered. As the rich and creamy splendor was applied onto my virgin hair, it felt like chilled cream cheese spread against my skin. Minutes passed, and I began to feel a tingling sensation all over my scalp, like someone was tickling my scalp. Horror consumed me as the tingling intensified and was transformed into a burning that I had never experienced before. “You want good hair, right? Two more minutes” she snapped. Tears rolled down my face as the burning seeped into my scalp, every second the heat increased, I was in pure hell. What was wrong with my natural hair? Why did mom make me do this? I just wanted the burning to stop! I pleaded to myself. Finally, the ice-cold sensation hit my scalp and the burning began to subside as she rinsed the creamy substance off. “Vinegar, to neutralize” she blurted. The bitter scent soaked my strands and stung the fresh open sores on my scalp, I begged her to rinse it off as my petite hands covered my face in despair. The next day, the open sores turned into scabs that had my hair glued together for days. I sobbed as my mother applied cream to separate the charred hair. As traumatizing as my first relaxer was, I continued to do it every two to three months for the next sixteen years. I dabbled with different brands to find one that didn’t burn quite as badly, but they all did.

At age 24 years old, I experienced my final straw with the “creamy crack.” Clumps of hair lay in her sink as I gazed in horror. As heat rushed through my body, a realization hit me like a smack in the face, “Why was I torturing myself all these years? Was it worth it, just to have straight hair?” I demanded she rinse off the relaxer and proclaimed to never put that malicious substance on my hair ever again.

Later that day, I announced my decision to go natural to friends and family, and they shrieked in confusion as to why I would do such a thing. Although I knew it would take a long time to grow out the dry and mangled strands that remained, I didn’t care; I wanted to rid myself of the damage it had caused and finally have healthy hair. I have welcomed my natural texture with open arms, and feel proud to represent my culture, with kinky hair and all.

hillwalker
01-03-2012, 08:39 AM
From the title I managed to guess this was something to do with having a bad hair day. Though 'creamy crack' sounds more like something you might munch on while watching TV late at night – and similarly a ‘relaxer’ is a term I’ve not heard before – I was imagining some kind of vibrating, deep-tissue massager one inserts under one’s belt…

Of course, the further one reads the more one is able to fill in the blanks so it's good you keep your ignorant readers guessing. And one assumes your professor also has the patience to continue reading until it starts to make sense.

As for the writing itself

– the first paragraph sets the scene: a crisis point in a young woman’s life when she has to accept her ‘natural look’ for what it is rather than continue trying to mask her ethnicity behind a fashionable hair style.

There are a few things I would change – first of all, that opening sentence gives the game away rather too early. I would allow the ‘impact’ to reveal itself as the tale unfolds – the reader is informed that a decision has been made but so far we don’t know how significant that might prove to be.
The phrase ‘permanently glued’ sounds rather too concrete as well – I was imagining that perhaps the hair procedure actually involves glue.
Something along the lines of ‘After my first relaxer my identity became as perfectly straight and regimented as my hair’ might work better?
(I’m sure you can come up with something better, but you get the idea.).
As for the end of the first paragraph I’d consider leaving out the last 2 sentences. It’s getting a little repetitive – as if you don’t trust the reader to get the message without hammering it home. Plus, the act of stopping the procedure is a good point at which to jump into a new paragraph.

Paragraph 2 gives us the lowdown on what relaxers are – and how in certain cultures hair is considered a measure of female beauty. I have to say the change from personal experience to potted history is a little unsubtle. As if you have stepped out of the story for a while to give us the background facts. You might consider maintaining your role as victim here – describing the hours you spent inhaling the toxic fumes of caustic sodium hydroxide all for the sake of conforming to your culture. Then explaining a little more why it was necessary because of your Dominican background (?). Just a thought…
I really like the way you impress on the reader how important such procedures are, even for struggling families; peer pressure taken to the limit.

Paragraph 3 brings the narrative back on track – you do a good job of describing the agonies you suffered for the cause.
But this sentence reads as if you are trying too hard to be original. The metaphors seem a little muddled -
‘Incessant comments from friends and family floated around me and tormented me, like being poked with a stick of sharp thorns without defense.’
It might read better as two separate sentences; something like:
‘Every session was punctuated by unhelpful comments from friends and family. Their words of advice struck me from all sides like a relentless hailstorm.’
(again – you’ll no doubt do a better job than me of rephrasing it).

Paragraph 4
– your ‘1st trip’ didn’t finally arrive did it? Rather an awkward expression and not the most effective way to describe the next stage in your grooming nightmare. I’d just tell the reader that at eight years old you were finally dragged to a beauty shop so that they could fix your look (the emotive words you choose here will convey how ‘wrong’ you felt it was rather than just stating the fact).
- ‘stopped at a halt’ is again a clumsy phrase – ‘ground to a halt’ makes more sense.
- ‘filling my demeanour’ (no need for this phrase)

The next paragraph is brilliant – the smell and feel of the concoction as it begins to work its magic. The reader actually begins to share your discomfort and pain. But the closing sentence where you describe how you continued to suffer similar treatment for the next 16 years is a little intrusive – as if you felt a need to neatly tie up every loose end. The following paragraph brings us up to date anyway.

But again the final paragraph could do with some de-kinking of its own:
- specifying the day you made the announcement is probably unnecessary and has the reader asking themselves ‘which day?’
- ‘shrieking in confusion’ – perhaps you can find a better way of describing their reaction (it's a bit vague really)
- and the concluding sentence is again a little too neat and tidy. You can convey the same feeling by using a little more subtlety – perhaps describing how every time you run your fingers through your ‘unprocessed’ hair you are still able to feel proud of your heritage and culture.

Good luck with this

H

CinDRnyc
01-03-2012, 01:45 PM
vibrating tissue massager! haha thats hilarious. Thank You very much for your notes! 65 views and your the only one that commented, I really appreciate your comments!

-Cindy

cafolini
01-03-2012, 02:14 PM
I had no trouble understanding this from the very beginning and didn't have to keep guessing. There might have been just a few unnecessary but far from molesting repetitions. You are a very good writer and your questions are far reaching. Have fun, beautiful girl.

WolfLarsen
01-03-2012, 03:29 PM
As for how to make it more pleasing to some college professor and get a better grade I will leave that to others. Maybe you can have one version for the college professor, and keep a different version for yourself. The one you keep for yourself will undoubtably be far better.

This is a great story, and having lived in the Dominican Republic I strongly recommend that you do not change a thing about this story and translate it into Spanish as soon as possible and distribute this as widely as possible in the Dominican Republic. Hopefully, the Internet can help you.

Anyone who knows anything about the Dominican Republic knows that this hair relaxer thing is out of control. Many employers will not even hire a woman if her hair is not relaxed, or they will fire an employee who wears her hair natural. Some poor young women are prostituting themselves just to get the money to go to the salon and get their hair relaxed. Ugly old rich pigs are more than happy to take advantage of this.

This story is a great example of how literature can be used to educate society.

CinDRnyc
01-03-2012, 05:46 PM
WolfLarsen,
It is nice to hear someone who understands how prevalent and damaging this is to young girls. As a young girl, I was blinded by the reasoning behind it all. I was so sick of going through the suffering just to fit a "standard" knowing it wasn't really me. I did revise the essay slightly but mostly just to add more descriptive detail towards the end. My copy would have a few more instances of how horrible this process really was for me. Thank You for the wonderful comments!

"Me niego a dejar a mi futura hija experimentar lo que me hicieron a mi pelo cuando yo era niña. No hay absolutamente nada malo con pelo kinky, es simplemente tan hermoso como cualquier otro tipo de pelo. Esta mentalidad racista en mi familia termina conmigo!" :mad5: