Sunlight

[Love_Aud]

"Sunlight,
Dances in your eyes.
And Waterfalls,
Flirt with your hair.

Rainbows,
Whisper to your cheeks.
And Butterflies,
Play on your smile.

Moonbeams,
Rest on your shoulder.
And snowflakes,
Embrace your skin.

Dewdrops,
Echo your silence.
And the wind,
Speaks of your glance.

Everywhere I look,
I am surrounded,
By your beauty.

Why, then, do you see through me?"

My poem. What do you think?

[hillwalker]

I didn't quite understand how the closing line fitted in with the rest. I guess you're trying to show how the narrator is invisible to the object of his affections. In which case stating it as a fact (subtly of course) rather than asking the question might be more effective (since presumably she will not acknowledge the question anyway).

It's a well-constructed poem with some nice imagery and you kept it simple (no excessively flowery language that some writers wrongly believe is necessary to compliment someone on their beauty). A worthy effort and I enjoyed reading it.

H

[Jack of Hearts]

This reader found the imagery a little flowery/too fruity. 'Whispering rainbows' and 'playful waterfalls' rule the day. But in some ways this poem shows an uncommon readability, and there isn't anything wrong with that.






J

[Theodore.K]

There's great imagery in this, however, I agree with Hill about the last line, it doesn't fit with the rest of the poem. You have beauty throughout, but then it's brought down with the narrator's disappointment. But you're the writer and we do not know your intentions with this piece, overall it's great! - TK

[Haunted]

Great start! It's admirable that you didn't use one adjective, and the beauty of the piece all rely on the use of images.

Sunlight... rainbow... moonbeam.... snowflakes, etc, while pleasing, are overused, and my challenge to you is to find your own things, things that are unique, things that eyes have not seen, and make them beautiful like this.

Welcome to Litnet. Keep writing and posting.

[Bar22do]

Delightful, Love_Aud, even though some end mending would be beneficial for the poem. Much enjoyed your effective simplicity!
Welcome! I'm looking forwards to reading more of your work.
Best from Bar

[Love_Aud]

Thank you all for commenting and critiquing my work!

I never noticed that the question at the end didn't really go. Till it was you all pointed it out. And I see what you guys mean. It would work a lot better with more of a statement, then a rude question. Truth be told, I can't even remember why I ended it that way. Maybe, I was trying to say that since he looked so fragile and beautiful, that it didn't make sense that he could see things that other people couldn't.

I will be posting more of my poems/work :) you guys are so nice!