The Hostage

[hiimnew]

It started out as a sunny Monday morning. Tina woke up at 8:00am so that she could get ready for work. She worked at a gas station as a manager. She loved her job and the people she worked with, but what she doesn't know is that today was going to be the start of a very long shift. And she might not make it home.Tina's shift started off like normal, she would come into work and count her drawer and start moping the floors and make sure all the inventory was full.

Her back is hurting her, as she is 8 months pregnant. She does the light work until the person who worked the night shift leaves. Tom who is Tina's co-worker didn't want to leave her at the store by herself so when his shift was over he stayed at the store in the back watching the camera's. Everything was going as normal and her day was half way over. Little did she know her day would soon become a nightmare.

Jerry and his wife Stacy were fighting about the kids. Jerry continued to get aggravated and was about to reach his boiling point. Stacy said that he wasn't being a good father and he needed to stop drinking everyday. He turns his back on her and started to walk away when Stacy pushes him and yells "all the kids or I ever see is the back of your head. Why don't you stay and talk to me?" He turns around and slaps her and she falls to the ground. A neighbor heard them fighting and saw Jerry running out of the house and speed off.

The neighbor runs over and sees Stacy on the floor bleeding, she calls the cops and tells them he left and that he's drunk. Jerry didn't know that the cops have been called, he thought he got away free. He knew that what he did was wrong, as soon as he was going to turn around and go home a cop pulls up behind him with his lights on. Jerry doesn't want to go to jail, he reaches under the seat and gets his hand gun. He pulls over and waits for the cop to get out of the car, as the cop walks up to the car Jerry reaches out the window and shoots the cops and takes off.

He's never shot someone, but he wasn't going to go back to jail. He knew he had to go somewhere to clear his head. He heads to the highway and heads to the next town. But as he would soon find out he's not alone. Another cop pulls up behind him. Jerry speeds up, trying to get rid of the cop he cuts in and out of lanes putting many peoples lives in danger. Jerry shoots out his window and hits the cops tire sending him into the divider. Jerry feels his life crumbling around him. He takes the next exist, which is where Tina's work is.

Tom leaves to go run an errand and told Tina he would be back in five minutes. Jerry goes to the first gas station he sees off the exist. Tina hears tires squalling and looks out the window and see a man running toward the store with a gun. She goes to press the alarm but he comes in and stops her. "That wouldn't be a good idea." Tina screams "Please don't kill me, I have a baby on the way. Please." pleading for her life will come in handy later. "I'm not going to kill you if you listen to me. Stop screaming."

"Lock the doors so no one can come in. NOW." Tina runs behind the counter to get her set of keys and locked the doors. "Good now get behind the counter. Come on let's so." Cops start coming filling the parking lot. Jerry sees nothing but black and white and guns pointing at him. "Where can we go where there's no windows?" Tina reply's "the back room." He grabs her arm and pushes her toward the back room. He seems that they have security cameras so he can see everything outside and behind the store.

Tom is heading back to the store, he comes upon a lot of cop cars and a road block. "Sir. your going to need to turn around. No one is getting through here." The cop tells him. "I work there though. The lady in there is pregnant." The cop gets on his radio and informs the other cops what he has been told. "Sorry sir. your still going to need to turn around." Tom reluctantly turns around and heads home. He turns his TV on and sees what is going on. He puts his head in his hands and starts crying. "I never should have left her alone." He says out load to himself.

Meanwhile in the back room the phone rings.
"Don't pick that up."
Tina is wondering who it is.
"It might be my boss. I'll get fired if I don't answer it."
Jerry looks out the door to see what the cops are doing.
"Ok but if it's not them hang the phone up. You hear me?"
"Yes." Tina says. "Hello this is Tina how can I help you?"
A negotiator gets on the line
"This is officer Jones. Are you ok?"
"Yes sir." She relies.
"Good just keep answering yes or no. Does he have a gun?" The cop says
"Yes" She says.
Jerry rips the phone out of her hand. "Who is this?" He yells
"This is Officer Jones. Is this Jerry?"
"I want to talk to my wife. I will only talk to her. Bring her here and then maybe I'll talk to you."
"I will get her here as soon as possible."
Jerry hangs up the phone. "No more calls for a while." He whips his forehead with the gun in his hand.
Tina is shaking and is wondering if she will ever go home and see her husband again. She cries and puts her hands on her stomach. An hour goes by with no phone calls. Jerry paces back and fourth bitting his nails. "What's taking so long. Why isn't she here yet?" He yells.
"They have the roads blocked. They have to get around the traffic to." She says in a reassuring voice. It doesn't help. He's getting madder as time goes by and he doesn't hear anything. Then the phone rings.
"What's been taking so damn long?" Angrily yelling
"I'm so sorry for it taking so long sir. We have your wife here and she wants to talk to you, but before I put her on the phone I need you to promise me something. I need you to promise that after you talk to your wife you will let Tina go." There's a long pause
Jerry got back on the phone, "Ok I promise now let me talk to my wife."
The negotiator wasn't feeling good about letting Jerry talk to his wife. As far as he knew he was going to kill Tina and himself. So he felt like he was taking a big risk. But he didn't have any other choice.
"Hi honey." Stacy said softly
"Oh hunny, I am so sorry for everything. I love you so much." He replied.
"It's ok, I love you to. But I need you to let Tina out so I can come in there and we can talk." Her voice is shaking
"I'll let her out when we are done talking. Why do you care about her more then me?"
"She's pregnant and the stress your putting her under could hurt the baby. You don't want to hurt that baby do you?" She tried to plead to her husband.

Jerry is getting mad that his wife brought up Tina. He didn't know how she knew that she was pregnant. He hung up the phone. He started pacing again, talking to himself in a low voice. Tina couldn't hear what he was saying. She was getting nervous by his actions. He keeps looking at the security cameras, he keeps an eye on the cops to watch what they are doing. He knows that they have a swat team on roofs but he couldn't see them.

It's been five hours since this all started. Tina was supposed to be home at 5p.m. Her husband hasn't been able to reach his wife on her phone. He's been sitting in the traffic this whole time. He went to check on her, but came across the road block. The cops will not let him near the store until this comes to an end.

After an hour of silence Jerry turns to Tina and says "I'm not going to make it out of this. I never wanted to hurt you. I just needed time to think. But now that I've shot someone I'll go back to jail no matter what. I will let you go then take my own life. So you need to get up and walk out that door."

Tina slowly stands up and walks to the door. As she unlocks the door a police officer grabs her the shield her from what is about to happen. What Jeffery didn't know is that in that hour that he thought nothing was going on, Swat put a bomb on the wall closest to the back room. Tina is running and suddenly all you hear is a loud boom and feel heat. Jerry's wife brakes down crying, knowing her kids won't have a father anymore. As Tina looks up her husband is running toward her. He picks her up and walks to the ambulance to get checked out. Tina starts crying, she didn't think she would make it out alive and feels so lucky. She's glad it's time to go home finally.

[hiimnew]

This is my first story I have written. So I am looking for pointers, help and advice on how to make my stories better. Thank you all

[hillwalker]

Hi,

You’ve taken a big step posting your first piece on here. Well done, and I hope you won't mind if I point out a number of things that struck me after reading through it.

The first sentence/paragraph of any story is probably the most difficult to get right. It needs to grab the reader’s attention and make them desperate to continue reading. Your opening is a little short on drama. So many writers begin ‘I woke up and the sun was shining’ as if any of that matters. It never does – and in your case although you set the scene well enough perhaps you need to cut to the chase a little sooner.
There’s plenty of opportunity to feed us this background later in the narrative – her job, how she loves it, how the day begins with the same routine (mopping? or moping?). Personally I would jump straight into the story itself.
I wouldn’t even tell the reader Tina is pregnant in so many words. Why not reveal it a little more subtly? …describing how difficult she finds it bending down to reach under her desk for instance. The occasional kick letting her know she needs to start taking things a little easier.
There’s a phrase ‘show don’t tell’ that every reader should have tattooed on the back of each hand. Showing the reader that Tina is pregnant is more effective than just telling us by stating the fact.
I would also resist the temptation to constantly jump in with ‘little did she know, but…’. This kind of authorial intervention is ok in small doses but I think you have overdone it.

Another problem is the constant change of tense throughout the story.
You begin by narrating Tina’s story in the past tense – so I was confused when you suddenly wrote – but what she doesn't know is that today was going to be the start of a very long shift.
It’s inconsistent, grammatically incorrect and rather muddled. The same happens in para. 2. The story switches to present tense until you mention Tom’s involvement. Writing in the present tense makes the events seem more immediate - but you need to stick with one or the other.

You then suddenly introduce us to Jerry and Stacy. Where did they come from?????
So far you have been telling the story from Tina’s point of view. We see her going about her business, watch her working away and are told how she feels. So unless she is somehow able to see Jerry and Stacy from her workplace you have made an abrupt jump into someone else’s viewpoint. It doesn’t work when you’re telling a story. The reader doesn’t know who to focus on next.
Admittedly there are stories with multiple viewpoints – like switching from one scene to another in a film – but you need to signal the transition with a break of some sort - - - - - - - or something along the same lines so we know we are no longer in Tina’s ‘universe’.

Again the tense shifts like quicksand – He turns his back on her and started to walk away – it makes no sense grammatically

As far as the plot is concerned – Jerry attacking his wife and shooting the cop – it’s a little thin. We have no warning that Jerry is going to act this way because the only thing we know is that he’s drunk. You don’t place us inside his head – reveal his frustrations, anger, desperation even – so it’s almost like reading a newspaper report of an anonymous crime. Do we care about Jerry? Are we concerned that his behaviour might become more violent? Well I wasn’t because he didn’t seem like a real person. It’s your job as a writer to bring your characters to life but you don't do that here.

Things all got a little hectic after that. You’re listing everything as it happens but it’s almost written like a draft for a movie script
– he does this
– he does that
– this happens
– then that happens.
It’s certainly not written like a story because there’s no plot development or character development. The dialogue is rather formulaic as well, as if it’s been taken straight out of a made-for-TV movie.
And the siege is like every siege ever shown in a movie – again nothing particularly original to make your story stand out. Having Tina’s husband turn up is an irrelevant distraction so I don’t know why you bothered including that piece of information. And the climax :
What Jeffery didn't know is that in that hour that he thought nothing was going on, Swat put a bomb on the wall closest to the back room.
Oh dear. It’s like you suddenly thought ‘how am I going to explain the explosion when it comes?’ and came up with this feeble sentence. It’s not good enough I’m sorry to say - a bit of a cheap shot at neatly tying up any loose ends.

My advice would be to rework the plot – try to picture what’s happening through one person’s eyes. Tina’s for instance. Then leave out all the nonsense with Jerry getting drunk, attacking his wife and shooting the policeman. Instead describe a normal day at the gas station, Tom going out on an errand then Jerry turning up behaving like a crazy man. We don’t know why just yet, nor does Tina. So suddenly the plot reaches a crisis point, the reader is experiencing everything in the same way Tina does because the plot hasn’t been signposted so blatantly earlier in the tale. Plot development and pace are vital to keep the wheels of a story turning – and in your case that’s the one thing lacking.

Read as much as you can – there are some half decent stories on here that will show you what works best and what doesn’t. And don’t let my harsh critique put you off – it’s well intentioned. Look at it as the next step in becoming a more accomplished writer. Good luck.

H