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smerdyakov
12-29-2011, 11:00 PM
[I]This is just something different that I had a crack at. Any feedback is appreciated.

Part One.

There was a loud clanking noise echoing in my ears, then a deep voice reverberated around the walls.

“Come on now. We’re taking you out,” said the tall figure of a police officer standing over me.

He reached down and took away the blanket that was over me. I noticed I had no trousers on. He then turned to someone behind him and presented me with my trousers and my jacket. He was wearing blue latex gloves. The trousers were wet.

“Why are they wet?” I asked him, in a crackling voice that I barely heard myself. I cleared my throat and repeated my question.
“Err... why are these wet?”

“You had a lot to drink last night,”he said. His face was healthy, young looking, but it bore that hard, passive look of a police officer.

“I don’t understand… why am I here?”

The room was cold, and painted yellow. It was all concrete, with a square of stainless steel on the ground that had a hole in it for pissing in. When someone spoke it echoed loudly, like they were speaking into a microphone.

“You don’t understand why you’re here?” he shouted, rhetorically.

Everything throbbed around me. My head was swimming, and then I slumped to the ground. I didn’t go unconscious though, I just lay on the ground, shards of memory flashing before my eyes, filling me with dread. A hand reached down to my neck, feeling for my pulse. My eyes were wide open, staring dumbly at the wall. Everything in me felt as though it had been excavated and I was just left with a shell of a body that I wanted rid of. I closed my eyes tight and grinded my teeth…

“John…John, can you hear me?” the officer knelt over and looked into my face.

“I don’t remember.”

“What?”

“I don’t remember anything,” I said, louder this time.

“Are you alright? Do you want to see a doctor?” The officer took a long look into my face.

I put my hands up in front of my face, turning them around. They were clean, no blood. My clothes didn’t appear to have any blood on them either. I jumped up and took my trainers from the female officer who stood at the door, and there was no blood on them.

“What happened?” I asked.

“Do you not know why you’re here?” the female officer said. “You were arrested for being drunk in a public place. But we are letting you go with a caution this time.” She half smiled and handed me a tray which had my phone and stuff in it.

The realization of what happened, what me and Jimmy had done, was creeping into focus. I felt relief rolling off me like a downpour. I had gotten away with it. For now at least. She handed me a cup of water.

They did a few sensory tests on me and took my pulse again. “Go to your local A & E if you feel anyway unwell later on today.”

“Ok.” I said, feeling more lucid now.

I wiped my nose with the sleeve of my jacket before stepping out into the cold morning air. I blessed myself, a thing I hadn’t done in ten years or more. My hands were trembling, and my whole body felt hollow with the cold. Luckily, I had a tenner in my pocket, a bit soggy but still legal tender in anyone’s books. It was just gone half ten so I went into a bar across the street, overtaken with the sudden compulsion for a hot whiskey, and maybe another six after that.. The bar was empty, and the smell of bleach coming from the toilets made me nauseous, on top of everything else. I sipped the boiling whiskey, feeling its malty relief all the way down my chest. I rang Jimmy from the pay phone down beside the toilets.

“Jimmy?”

I looked across the bar and the barman stood up from behind the counter. His shirt was the same deep blue as the police officer’s shirt. No epaulettes though…

“Christ, John! Where the hell are you?”

“Jimmy. What the f*ck, man? Did what I think happen actually happen?”

“It happened.”

I didn’t want to tell him I was picked up by the police because it would make him panic. It was too ironic to believe. And besides, it wasn’t necessary to tell him; it would just confuse things even more.

“Do you have the money?”

“What do you mean, Jimmy?”

“The five large I gave you last night.”

“NO.” Just then, it hit me. The whole thing rose sensibly in my head, finally. Everything became as clear as a picture.

I felt the inside sleeve of my jacket. My secret pocket. Sure enough it was there. Five thousand in 500 euro notes. How the police missed that was a mystery.

“You needed the money, John. I got it for you. We are in the clear, don’t worry.”

“But I must have been off the head. I’m only now stringing together what happened.”

“We had a few. But you did well, John. We did well. Job done.”

“So, they weren’t the guys who robbed your mother--”

“--It doesn’t matter. The world’s not worse off this morning with--”

“--Jimmy! This is not you. We aren’t those kinds of people! What in God’s name do you mean job fu*kin done?!... Worse off?...are they…” I couldn’t say it.

I inhaled deeply, trying to find some calm. A warning sign went off in my brain. One of them deep, intuitive ones you get when you sense danger. Something told me I needed to show Jimmy a brave face. Show him that I was in control of myself.

“Jim…what’s done is done.” I exhaled. “I’m in The Grainne Mhaol on Pearse St. Pick us up will ye?”
I hung up the phone.

hillwalker
12-30-2011, 07:32 AM
I think in the opening paragraph you’re trying too hard to begin with a bang. Phrases like ‘in a split second’ never achieve what they’re meant to. In a split second the narrator would be unable to experience everything he has written so we tend to disbelieve him. And having your essence drop into the balls of your feet… impossible to picture.

I’d certainly reconsider a rewrite, beginning with the first sentence if you are trying to inject some impact into the story -

A loud clanking noise echoed in my ears followed by a deep voice that reverberated around the walls.

It’s only a minor tweak but it increases the immediacy of the situation.

Another few things stick out…

Waking up in a police cell – disorientating and embarrassing – I would expect you to be a little less coherent, fielding incomplete questions like

‘Wet? Err, they’re wet?’

and you would be unlikely to ask what time it was. There would be more pressing matters to consider like how come you ended up there.

‘he boomed rhetorically’ – how does that work?

’Everything throbbed around me. I felt as if my head was swimming – no need for the underlined bits

and then I slumped to the ground. I didn’t go unconscious though, – would definitely benefit from rewording because it’s weak and it’s presented like a list of separate feelings and events. You need to describe what you were going through more effectively.

‘The ground broke my fall; I was still conscious but my body felt like all its strings had been cut’ – can you see a difference? saying the same thing but allowing the reader to share some of your helplessness?

again “Ah, yes. I’m fine officer, thanks. Nothing that a good sleep won’t cure,” – it’s like there are two different people inside your body. One is still feeling vulnerable, still reeling from being locked up for the night, the other is merely a concerned citizen who is accustomed to being incarcerated overnight, anxious to remain polite and in control. Your dialogue doesn’t ring true.

Just then, it hit me. The whole thing rose sensibly in my head, finally. – I didn’t understand the underlined bit here. I assume you mean your memories from the night before returned.

How the police missed that was a mystery. I must have a trustworthy face. – I don’t really think that’s how the police gauge someone’s trustworthiness.

You do well to leave a great deal unsaid by the end – so I’m not sure there’s need for a Part 2 unless there’s a lot more plot development involved. It just needs a little rework here and there.

H

smerdyakov
12-30-2011, 09:47 AM
H - I appreciate the crit, thanks. I can't accept everything you say here though, as I think you have missed something. The first para maybe could do with re working.
The MC shows disorientation, does he not? by looking for blood on his clothes. The point of it is, he vaguely thinks he has murdered someone so when the female officer says he was picked up for something else (a minor charge) I wanted to convey his relief and abrupt change in reaction. I did think about this as I wrote it, you know :)

"boomed rhetorically" because he's asking a rhetorical question.

"I must have a trustworthy face" was a slight injection of humor.

Needs a tweak here and there all the same. Thanks for reading.

cafolini
12-30-2011, 12:03 PM
H - I appreciate the crit, thanks. I can't accept everything you say here though, as I think you have missed something. The first para maybe could do with re working.
The MC shows disorientation, does he not? by looking for blood on his clothes. The point of it is, he vaguely thinks he has murdered someone so when the female officer says he was picked up for something else (a minor charge) I wanted to convey his relief and abrupt change in reaction. I did think about this as I wrote it, you know :)

"boomed rhetorically" because he's asking a rhetorical question.

"I must have a trustworthy face" was a slight injection of humor.

Needs a tweak here and there all the same. Thanks for reading.

This could be a good story. But I agree with Hill that some of the reactions are out of place. You can't be confused and lucid at the same time.

hillwalker
12-30-2011, 12:38 PM
The point of it is, he vaguely thinks he has murdered someone so when the female officer says he was picked up for something else (a minor charge) I wanted to convey his relief and abrupt change in reaction.

"boomed rhetorically" because he's asking a rhetorical question.

Once he suddenly feels relieved you need to bring the reader up to speed with why (you can do this without spilling too many beans about a possible murder).

As for booming rhetorically -I still don't get how one can boom rhetorically. :-)

H

smerdyakov
12-30-2011, 03:20 PM
I've made a slight revision of this as the idea of an unreliable narrator wasn't going down well. I hope this makes it easier for the reader, while still holding the suspense. :smile5:

AuntShecky
12-30-2011, 04:51 PM
Couple questions:

What's an "A & E" ? I assume it is some kind of health facility, but I'm just curious as to what the letters stand for. Over here, where medical care costs a lot with little bang for the buck even for folks who actually have health insurance, the only thing "A & E" reminds me of is the Arts and Entertainment cable channel.

Why are his pants wet? Too much drink had led to a lack of bladder control or had he fallen into
the river or what?

After the barkeep reminds John about the 5,000, he checks his "secret pocket" and sees that the dough is still intact. Why he needs that loan and how the bartender had access to that much cash is intriguing; I assume your narrator will fill us in with subsequent postings. My question, though, is how come the authorities hadn't found it? Yours truly is under the assumption that law enforcement authorities are pretty much the same on both sides of the puddle. But wouldn't they have gone over all of John's personal belongings with the proverbial fine tooth comb in search of illegal drugs and similar contraband. (I'm just going by what I've seen on TV cop shows not in real life, but, despite my more or less sheltered life, one never knows!)

As noted before, the story is intriguing. Just a couple of criticisms-

The bleach itself is nauseous. The smell gives him nausea or makes him nauseated. Actually,
one might actually prefer the smell of bleach than a gin mill's unsanitized men's room, but that's just me.


As previous posters pointed out, try not to go overboard with descriptions which the reader can't really wrap her mind around. The great American novelist John O'Hara used to say that he hated metaphors and similes. I wouldn't go that far, as a little poetic license can add detail and interest. Still, they ought to fit the theme and style.

Speaking of style, try to vary your sentence structure. Although a string of simple declarative sentences can build up the kind of staccato rhythm one might expect in a fast-paced story, you don't want to ruin a good thing by using it too much.

PS Thanks for reading the two earlier "anti-fiction" postings.

Happy New Year

Jack of Hearts
12-31-2011, 02:38 AM
This reader just feels you need to make an important decision for the narrative. Is this story being narrated by the main character as it happens or afterwards? If the verb tense is to be (EDIT: pun alert! 'verb tense is to be'!) any indication, it's an event being related in the first person after it has happened. Working from this line of logic, this reader would just tell you to meditate on something.

Imagine the main character is sitting in front of you and relating this story that happened to him. Let him tell it. Listen to his words, his tone of voice. Turn off the thoughts in your head and just daydream about this for awhile.


Maybe something like this will work for you too? It's not for everyone, but figured why not offer it up. You can always ignore it and just read the first sentence of this post. Or ignore all of this post, if you wanna, for that matter. Man, that was a slippery slope.



J

smerdyakov
12-31-2011, 02:45 PM
AuntSbecky - Thanks for the feedback. "A&E" is accident and emergency.
The MC was talking on the phone to Jimmy there at the end, not the barkeep (my bad). I've never had the experience of being in a police cell, so I had to use my imagination for this.
Recently, I have been watching an Irish gangland drama on the telly and it spurred me to write this. Plus, I was REALLY bored :)

Happy New Year. All the best.

J - Hi. Thanks for reading and taking the time to comment. Yes, I think I see what you mean. I wasn't sure whether to write the narrative in the first person or third person limited pov. When I was writing it, I was actually quite excited, and thought it was pretty decent. But now, I don't feel like going any further with it. Ah well...
Do you not think the past immediate is the best way to write it?

Happy New Year to you.

Jack of Hearts
01-02-2012, 02:07 AM
Well it probably depends upon how you feel about. And if you were excited about it, good!






J