The Moment when Time stood still, part 1

[Dr. Love]

This is just another one of my imaginings:


My grandfather was a very mysterious man. He rarely talked to anyone, only came to visit us for the holidays, and to top it off he wore an eye-patch over his left eye. Needless to say, I didn't know him very well at all, and for the most part, I didn't really care about him. However, there was one thing about him that intrigued me above all else: His pocket-watch. He always took it with him where ever he went and actually used it for keeping time, almost as if the time it took to take it out his pocket didn't bother him the way it did everyone else. Come to think of it, he never really seemed to ever be in a rush to do anything, and would always take his time. But the strangest thing that happened was that at a certain time in the afternoon(4:56) of everyday, apparently, he would take a look at his watch. His face would cringe as he deeply but swiftly inhaled, and then as he exhaled, he would turn his head up and look adove him with a sad, wide eyed look on his face. Occasionally he would wisper something that was inaudible from where I was watching him, and sometimes a single tear from his one exposed eye would begin its way down his face, only to quickly be wiped away by his own hand.

[Zemouli Chahra]

Waou! how strang imaginative grandfather you have. I suggest that you try to steal his pocket-watch for a time and see what would happen.. Maybe he is normal after all.. who knows..

I really anxious to read Part two.. Good luck

[hillwalker]

Intriguing indeed. We’re left to assume something monumental happened one day at 4.56 and the grandfather continues to be haunted by it.

Even though it’s a short piece it would benefit from some tightening because it’s a little wordy. There are a couple of edits that can improve the way this reads.

1) This sentence is padded out with superfluous words (underlined) :

Needless to say, I didn't know him very well at all, and for the most part, I didn't really care about him.

2) Similarly you use the word ‘time’ on four occasions in three sentences – and again litter the sentences with redundant phrases (like never really seemed to ever’). 89 words can be reduced to 61 in one simple edit :

He took it with him wherever he went; actually using it for keeping time. He didn’t seem bothered by the effort it took to remove it from his pocket; indeed he never seemed in a rush. But the strangest thing was that every day at 4.56 he would take a look at his watch.

Finally a couple of typos have slipped through the spell-check net – adove (above) and wisper (whisper).

But there’s an interesting story behind this I’m sure. I’ll also look forward to Part 2.

H

[cafolini]

Glad to see Hill having a sober day. I agree with him. I never miss an opportunity to do him this favor whenever possible.