Pantheon Pass't

[Waldo]

I should not have wished to
Reach Mount Olympus

Only to find, when
Mists parted from sight,

Empty earth where
None reside.

[Waldo]

Any input?

[Jack of Hearts]

Well even though it's short there's a lot of extra, unneeded words. Why did you use so many words to essentially just say:


I reached Mount Olympus

Only to find, when
Mists parted from sight,

Empty earth.

So unless you really like those other words for some reason, why use them?

But hey, it's your poem. It's whatever you like. It doesn't suffer from many of the usual pitfalls this reader points out, except in the title. Why call it 'Pass't'? Why not use modern language?







J

[Hawkman]

It's not even old language I'm afraid: past or pass'd might be. I agree with jack, it either needs more or less. As it is, it's not very satisfying.

Live and be well - H

[Waldo]

In addressing a few things, and both of your points are valid and very much appreciated:

1. Perhaps it was only in mental conception that the poem itself expressed what I thought it conveyed: i.e. the regret felt by a religious pilgrim who has come to his quest's end only to find "empty earth" (the specific inclusion of the word "empty", referring to the complete lack of presence or moniker left by the "gods" who supposedly created the world--though the actual Greek Pantheon did not in fact manifest the "universe"--reinforcing the overall evolution of lost faith pervading forth from the narrator) and thereby finding the whole of his journey for naught; his only present wish to be lost in the passed ignorance he once held. But perhaps the minutia I see in words is too abstract for public presentation and simply comes across as unnecessary, as I'm sure you are correct, Jack.

2. Out of curiosity, Jack, as my time on this forum is rather virgin, what are the "usual pitfalls" you notice?

3. On the title choice, simply, in that really base way, I just needed a title so I, in some odd and malign fashion, mashed together "pass" and "past"; I could elaborate on my choice, but eventually all my own defenses look as explanations for "unseemliness".

4. Also, Hawkman, if I could just get a clarification on your specific meaning behind the work's unsatisfactory make as I completely agree with you: the work leaves the reader feeling unmet; for is not the dissolution of one's belief, stricken down by your own zealous endeavors, completely without "satisfaction"; looking for something more to fill a void.

Thank you again for your input, and if I come across as condescending or overly defensive to the point of artistic arrogance, forgive me as it never was my intention.

To those who can find me-Waldo

[hillwalker]

I found it a little too cryptic - for instance, there's no logical relationship between the first couplet and the second.

Why should the narrator not have wished to arrive? What did he hope to find on arriving?

The expression 'Only to find' is difficult to comprehend in the context of what you have already said. 'I reached Mount Olympus only to find' makes sense - but 'I should not have wished... only to find' doesn't.

And that closing couplet... 'empty' in what sense? Empty of inspiration?

One can imagine what you expected to feel on reaching such an iconic spot -and you suggest the disappointment on seeing it's just another hill. Perhaps some rework can rescue this one - it's not completely unsalvageable.

H

[Hawkman]

4. Also, Hawkman, if I could just get a clarification on your specific meaning behind the work's unsatisfactory make as I completely agree with you: the work leaves the reader feeling unmet; for is not the dissolution of one's belief, stricken down by your own zealous endeavors, completely without "satisfaction"; looking for something more to fill a void.

To those who can find me-Waldo

There is a difference between conveying dissatisfaction and not satisfying the reader. The narrator may be disappointed in the results of his quest but unfortunately, as it stands, the reader is left thinking, "So What?" The poem is too telling, it doesn't take the reader on the journey, merely presents him with the fait accompli.

Hope this helps.

Live and be well - H

[Jack of Hearts]

The implication of 'regret' is there. It just doesn't resonate strongly for a reader- maybe it worked better in your mind? If you want to do an investigation of the feeling of 'regret', there's a lot of opportunity there... but in this reader's opinion the poem should be more about that feeling, describing it through sensory imagery or metaphor, rather than events (if that makes sense).

The usual nitpicks... well they're just this reader's personal criterion and he doesn't want to give you the impression that they're objectively oriented. They're only worth as much as you believe in Jack of Hearts. That said: archaic language, forced form, impersonal concepts are pretty common things this reader comes across and says he doesn't like.

Keep posting, Waldo. You can probably write as good as anyone and this reader is going to poke at you until you do.





J