Tigers and angels (Romantic)

[kangels4ever]

I've removed this 'cause it's gone back to the old drawing board.

[hillwalker]

On first reading I’ll admit I found this decidedly creepy. I presumed Ally to be about twelve years old (one of the rambunctious kids at the pool with her toothy grin and childish behaviour) since you don’t give us any clues. But then of course the plot development suggests she must be a good deal older (huge sigh of relief).

As for this being a story, well I’m not so sure. It’s a guy showing off to the world how cute his girlfriend is and that’s about it. Smothering so many sentences in sickly expressions of affection is not going to appeal to many readers unless there’s a whole lot more action to follow (and I don’t just mean more sloppy kisses).

As it stands there are also a couple of grammatical changes you might consider making:

Ally’s chestnut brown hair streamed ahead of her head and 5’6 tanned and fit figure as she floated in the pool clad in a colorful blue string triangle-top bikini.

‘ahead of her head’ is a mouthful, and the underlined bit just confuses matters even more. Also the sentence structure suggests the pool was clad in a bikini.

And Para. 2 has 3 instances of ‘as…’ – so many that it became hard to keep track of all these synchronous events;

Her pink lips curled into a toothy grin of relaxed contentment as occasionally she moved her arms as she drifted from where it was marked “5.0” towards “3.0” as a warm sun beat down on the house.

Other than that it’s a decent enough piece of writing but too thin on plot to qualify as a story imho.

H

[kangels4ever]

Okay Hill, I've tweaked where you suggested. On my own, I even expanded the story a little so there is a dash of "boy meets girl" in it. I didn't want to bog things down with detail so I skipped over the "why" of their getting together so it would be "absolute." Also, I have under a 1,000 words to play with here so I had to get things set up chop, chop.

[hillwalker]

It's better - and I agree some writers do waste time on backstory to such an extent that there's nothing much left for the main piece. You did a good job on this one.

H

[kangels4ever]

Thanks for the kind compliment Hill.

Merry Christmas (or is it "Happy Christmas" over there in Scotland? :-) )

[hillwalker]

Thanks for the kind compliment Hill.

Merry Christmas (or is it "Happy Christmas" over there in Scotland? :-) )

Either will suffice - and belated greetings also to your good self.

H

[Steven Hunley]

This took work and it shows the effort. Hill is a treasure, ain't he?

It's a charming story and besides, anyone who can write a line like this:

The thought caused the hammer of attraction to strike the anvil of desire within me.

is a winner in my book. Merry Christmas to all.

[kangels4ever]

Aw cut the gas, Steve, you're just pulling my lariat (to borrow a phrase Sheriff Bart used in "Blazing Saddles" :-) ).

And yes, our own Hill is a jolly good fellow, and the message board drill sarge helping us raw recruits get whipped into shape! :brow:

Seriously, thanks for the compliment and holiday wishes. :-) Same to you, man.

[kangels4ever]

Just refreshed the text of this to keep it up with my current draft.
Happy New Year, everyone! :-)

[Varenne Rodin]

I think the phrase "I want to talk to her again!" could lose the "again." I can see how you could mean something like "Again, I was wanting to talk to her," but it sounded more like you had already talked to her. That was revealed not to be the case as you discovered that she had a lovely voice. It's a simple fix, I think.

As a certain kind of woman, I have to say that it didn't appeal to me. Meeting at a health club setting is unromantic to me. Your girl is pretty hollow too. It's fine if she's a fantasy, but the lack of character development led me to develop an impression that she is too young for the guy, and that he is kind of a creep. The lines "Dressed in a pair of my dark blue Nautica swim trunks" and "I grinned and kept coming at her" added to my unease.

I think it could be adjusted by not formalizing the swim trunks. Something like "I was wearing swim trunks" sounds appropriately casual. Adding the brand name is overly descriptive. It draws too much attention to something that isn't appealing on its own (unless you wanted the character to seem unappealing). The "coming at her" line I would throw out all together. It makes it sound like a predatory situation rather than two people enjoying each other. I didn't get why the woman was motivated to be with Rich at all, frankly. My imagination says money, and weakness of will on her part. Some blanks might need to be filled in to prevent readers from drawing spurious conclusions.

All of that being said, I can see how this would be appreciated by a singular demographic. It is not without merit. If it were my story I would build it into a horror. It has a good foundation for malevolent happenings.

[kangels4ever]

Varenne:

The only horrors I deal with are burnt and smashed warships littered with dead crewmen slain in real-life battles.

My goal for this story was a sweet little fable without drama, horror, death, etc. I deal with that a lot in my writings about World War 2. In fact, if you want an example, slam your eyeballs against this article I posted on a history blog I do:

http://theldhistory.blogspot.com/2011/12/commentary-graveyard-not-tourist-trap.html

I did some tweaks based on your feedback as both a writer and a woman, but the heart of this story is a simple one of a guy scared of talking to a girl finally working up the courage ... and is revealed several months later to now be her boyfriend.

Real-life is too full of horrors for me to want to mangle something so beautiful as this.

[Varenne Rodin]

Varenne:

The only horrors I deal with are burnt and smashed warships littered with dead crewmen slain in real-life battles.

My goal for this story was a sweet little fable without drama, horror, death, etc. I deal with that a lot in my writings about World War 2. In fact, if you want an example, slam your eyeballs against this article I posted on a history blog I do:

http://theldhistory.blogspot.com/2011/12/commentary-graveyard-not-tourist-trap.html

I did some tweaks based on your feedback as both a writer and a woman, but the heart of this story is a simple one of a guy scared of talking to a girl finally working up the courage ... and is revealed several months later to now be her boyfriend.

Real-life is too full of horrors for me to want to mangle something so beautiful as this.

It's more believable to me now. I really appreciate you taking the criticism so well. Thank you and good work. :D

[kangels4ever]

BTW: how come this romantic fable of mine did not stray into the "chick lit" area? Because it is so to the point and agnst-free?

[Varenne Rodin]

BTW: how come this romantic fable of mine did not stray into the "chick lit" area? Because it is so to the point and agnst-free?

Because it isn't chick lit. It's single guy fantasy. It's never from the point of view of the female, and it doesn't detail any of her motivations or explain her behavior. Your guy meets a girl at a health club (not a romantic setting to a woman), after he checks out other women. He struggles with his self esteem. Then suddenly flash to the future and she is with him. Why? No idea. I don't know what was appealing about your male lead. Women tend to like confidence without creepiness in their lit. There has to be some noticeable attraction by the woman, or she is just a hollow, empty headed prize for your fellow. He won the trophy. Good for him, but why?

[Varenne Rodin]

Romance, even the trashy stuff, doesn't usually go: You just came up to me at a health club, now let's go **** in your home swimming pool. There has to be more substance there, and you have to think of your girl character's reactions to this guy, or he just seems like a stalker.

[kangels4ever]

Varenne:

What if I give the girl in the above story a hint of mutual attraction? Would that drag it out of the "creepy" mud?

[hillwalker]

Man oh man, but am I beyond frames of reference here! :-)
What if I give the girl in the above story a hint of mutual attraction? Would that drag it out of the "creepy" mud?

I think the problem is a little more fundamental than this.

The girl in question has not been portrayed as a person - she's an object, given about as much personality as a piece of furniture (I'm guessing the narrator sees her as 'eye candy' - nothing more).

Little wonder that it still comes across as creepy to many readers - especially as the man is portrayed as some super-cool dude/hero.

The writing's acceptable but the pov is more 70's disco than contemporary romance.

H

[kangels4ever]

Hmmmmm ...

This is going back to the drawing board big time.

Thanks for the feedback, everybody. :smile5:

[Varenne Rodin]

I can't believe I'm suggesting this, but you should read some Johanna Lindsey books. That's the closest style I can think of to what you're aiming for. She writes from both the male and female points of view. There are dominant leads, but the women have personalities too. It should, hopefully, give you some added perspective. Read the Malory novels like "Love Only Once" or any of the others. They're all pretty much the same with minor variations. I don't think they are great literature at all, but they are light romance. Best of luck.