Brendan

[smerdyakov]

Brendan decided he would tell his gym instructor that he had simply forgotten to bring his gear with him; he didn’t want to start a blazing row. The instructor looked cross, seeing him still in his uniform.

“No gear again, is it? Go back to the classroom then. You can join Mr. Madden and Mr. Peters, and play with Barbie dolls or whatever it is they do.”

The rest of the class, who were togged out, and standing in a line behind the instructor, broke out laughing. The instructor turned his head, reveling a little in their laughter. Mr. Madden and Mr. Peters never went to gym class, and the whole school, teachers included, openly slagged them whenever they could. It wasn’t right, Brendan thought to himself. He hated the gym instructor. He hated his ignorance, and he hated how he made other people the butt of his jokes.

“Go f*ck yourself.” Brendan said, turning to leave.

“What did you just say to me?” The instructor yanked Brendan by the arm. “What did you just say to me now?” The instructor's face went as red as a balloon. Someone in the line whistled loudly.

“Down to the principal’s office – NOW!” Brendan, who was a lot bigger than the instructor, shrugged him off.

“Okay, I’m goin’. Let go of me arm.”

“Oh, that’s you finished in this school, lad. I’ll see to that. The last thing you’ll ever say in here, boyo… the last bloody words you’ll ever say….Cheeky bastard…” he added the last bit under his breath.

Brendan walked behind him, not saying anything. When they got up to the principal’s office, the instructor barged in without knocking and slammed the door hard behind him, as if the principal had insulted him too.

“What’s wrong with him?” said a first year, who was also waiting outside the office.

“He’s an arsehole, that’s what’s wrong with him.” The young lad laughed at this.

There was a queer smell in the corridor, not the usual smell of disinfectant. Brendan couldn’t put his finger on it. The door opened softly.

“Brendan.” The principal stuck his head out.

“Take a seat,” said the principal. There was only one other seat though, and the instructor sat in it, pretending not to notice.

“It’s fine. I’ll just stand,” Brendan said.

“Now, Brendan.” The principal sat down behind his desk. “Tell me what happened in the gymnasium?”

On the principal’s desk was a small picture of a woman. Probably his wife, Brendan thought. She was quite a good-looking woman as well, maybe late thirties, early forties. She had long black hair, and a pale face with twinkling green eyes, the kind of eyes you would notice immediately. Wild looking they were…cat’s eyes…

“So, Brendan….”

There was a DVD set of “The Wire” on his desk as well as piles of papers and other stuff. Brendan had never watched it though. But he knew about it; he knew it was some sort of cop show.

“I forgot my gym gear, Sir.”

Quite cold in the office as well, he thought. Smell of lime, or maybe lemons.

“Mr Maloney tells me here that you told him to go F U C K himself. IS that true?”

“Yes, sir.”

“Do you think this is acceptable behavior, Brendan?”

There was a protocol here, at least. He goes by the book, the principal, Respect for that, he thought to himself.

“No, but he passed a remark. He…he implied I was a queer...”

“That’s a BLOODY lie!” Mr. Maloney rocked in the chair.

Maloney, predictable as a train route. Very small minded man.

“Go on, Brendan.”

“He said go back to class to join Madden and Peters and play with Barbie dolls. Ridiculous thing to say, sir. He was implying that Madden and Peters are queer, and me too, sir. He’s always at it so he is.”

“Ohhh, you’re a nasty little one you are. You’re a bloody LIAR,” screamed Maloney.

Maloney interrupted him before he could convey what impact the comment would have vis a vis him and the rest of the class. He was an outsider as it was, but he didn’t want to be slip further down the ladder. Brendan was left alone by his classmates, and he wanted to keep it that way. He was wide to the games; little games of bluff and counter bluff.

The principal turned a bit red in the face, then looked at Maloney with a worried expression.

“Is that true?”

“No it’s not. He’s trying to dig himself out of a hole.”

Maloney, the pathetic prick…

“Only one way to find out,” the principal said, getting up from his chair. “We’ll ask the lads in gym.”

The two men went down to the gym, leaving Brendan standing in the office. On the wall, there was a big picture of some priest. Brendan was glad the priests didn’t run the school anymore.

After a few minutes, the door opened behind him.

“Brendan Cummins, you are a liar and an impudent one at that! As of now you’re suspended!” shouted the principal.

“But, he passed a remark, sir…” Brendan said, barely wanting to defend himself.

His classmates were cowards. They could stuff their school. There were other schools. Anyway, he felt himself a different animal to them.
Brendan picked his bag up and walked out, not even asking the principal how long he was suspended for.

[irishpixieb]

Interesting tale....I think it does point to a certain attitude among people these days. They can be sooo wishy washy. Good job!

[Jack of Hearts]

What an odd situation to write about. It leads this reader to think it may be autobiographical- perhaps wrongly so. Consider this, though:

1. Not a lot happens in this story.

2. Of what makes up the 'story', most it's explanations for (or reflections) the main character's behavior/attitude rather than descriptors.

So this piece is a lot like self centered youth, a classic young man's folly (this reader is no exception at times, even though he knows better. Stronger forces seem to be at play against wisdom).

But your natural skill bolsters up what, in the hands of many other writers, would have been a throw away piece.






J

[hillwalker]

I don't agree that there's not much happening in this story, I just think the narrator focuses on the main protagonist and because everything is presented from his pov we only get limited information...

the other two boys who don't take gym, the smell in the corridor, the principal's attractive wife, the fact that priests no longer run the school...

It's as if we catch a momentary glimpse of Brendan's inner thoughts but not enough to clarify matters. If anything these glimpses make the reader curious and more anxious to uncover the subtext of the story.

I do have a few quibbles but not enough to detract from what is still a fine story -

1) What was the real reason for Brendan missing gym? The opening sentence implies a hidden agenda but we never get to discover it.

2) The phrase 'The instructor looked cross' doesn't really portray the tense situation clearly enough. You are telling us rather than showing us. How do we know he looked cross? It's your job to help us out here.

and 3) Given that the principal seems a reasonable person I found his angry dismissal of Brendan a little abrupt and out of character. I would have expected the same outcome, but with his punishment delivered in a more even-tempered fashion.

H

[Jack of Hearts]

Click, click. Editing pen.



Brendan decided he would tell his gym instructor that he had simply forgotten to bring his gear with him; he didn’t want to start a blazing row. The instructor looked cross, seeing him still in his uniform.

“No gear again, is it? Go back to the classroom then. You can join Mr. Madden and Mr. Peters, and play with Barbie dolls or whatever it is they do.”

The rest of the class, who were togged out, and standing in a line behind the instructor, broke out laughing. The instructor turned his head, reveling a little in their laughter. Mr. Madden and Mr. Peters never went to gym class, and the whole school, teachers included, openly slagged them whenever they could. It wasn’t right, Brendan thought to himself. He hated the gym instructor. He hated his ignorance, and he hated how he made other people the butt of his jokes.

“Go f*ck yourself.” Brendan said, turning to leave.

“What did you just say to me?” The instructor yanked Brendan by the arm. “What did you just say to me now?” The instructor's face went as red as a balloon. Someone in the line whistled loudly.

“Down to the principal’s office – NOW!” Brendan, who was a lot bigger than the instructor, shrugged him off.

“Okay, I’m goin’. Let go of me arm.”

“Oh, that’s you finished in this school, lad. I’ll see to that. The last thing you’ll ever say in here, boyo… the last bloody words you’ll ever say….Cheeky bastard…” he added the last bit under his breath.

The first bolded sentence was picked out because it reads less like a story and more like a summary. Because it is the opening sentence, you probably have the leeway to say it’s just background context, but a similar issue comes up in other parts of the story. Essentially, there is some intrigue as to why Brendan doesn’t have his gear in the first place and that’s well done. hillwalker mentioned something about the ‘instructor looked crossed’ line- a valid point but a bit nitpicky when there are more glaring spots to shine out.

The second bolded line is ‘telling’ how Brandon hates the unfair gym teacher. There may be enough to deduce this in the text already, but if there isn’t, if there isn’t enough there to let the reader know that Brandon hates this unfair teacher and that the situation isn’t right… just put it there. Descriptively, give the readers something simple to deduce by themselves. You almost have already, why not go the distance? How can you do this? What can you add? It’s lurking right beneath the surface. It’s in the subtext of how they interact with each other.

In the confrontation, we get a sense that the instructor is the one off balance with his emotions while Brendan shows power, control and apathy.


Brendan walked behind him, not saying anything. When they got up to the principal’s office, the instructor barged in without knocking and slammed the door hard behind him, as if the principal had insulted him too.

“What’s wrong with him?” said a first year, who was also waiting outside the office.

“He’s an arsehole, that’s what’s wrong with him.” The young lad laughed at this.

There was a queer smell in the corridor, not the usual smell of disinfectant. Brendan couldn’t put his finger on it. The door opened softly.

“Brendan.” The principal stuck his head out.

“Take a seat,” said the principal. There was only one other seat though, and the instructor sat in it, pretending not to notice.

“It’s fine. I’ll just stand,” Brendan said.

“Now, Brendan.” The principal sat down behind his desk. “Tell me what happened in the gymnasium?”

On the principal’s desk was a small picture of a woman. Probably his wife, Brendan thought. She was quite a good-looking woman as well, maybe late thirties, early forties. She had long black hair, and a pale face with twinkling green eyes, the kind of eyes you would notice immediately. Wild looking they were…cat’s eyes…

“So, Brendan….”

There was a DVD set of “The Wire” on his desk as well as piles of papers and other stuff. Brendan had never watched it though. But he knew about it; he knew it was some sort of cop show.

The first section of this part is a little clunky. First, the word ‘behind’ was bolded because there’s a clumsy repetition of the word in the first couple of lines. The phrase ‘not saying anything’ is probably evident in the text itself and doesn’t need disportionately heavy reiteration- by coming out and ‘telling’ it, you seem to suggest it has dramatic significance. If this is your intention, this reader isn’t sure he buys it.

Another aspect that made this reader think that this was autobiographical was that the narrator lists/describes the things Brendan sees but the story doesn’t seem to know what it’s doing with them. Maybe the DVD of the cop show is meant to imply that the instructor and the professor and perhaps the institution takes their job too seriously, as though investigating Brendan’s juvenile offense as they would a homocide. That seems slightly like a generous reading, though, as the characters just seem a bit irrational and not focused/preoccupied with other concepts (so, maybe a poorly written cop show applies?). The description of the picture of the wife is baffling, though. It just seems to be an extraneous piece of story… what’s it serving here? It’s not clear.

The bit about ‘having a seat’ even though there is no seat to have is amusing and adds to the slightly surreal nature of this story and the irrationality already present.

The last line was bolded because as much as this reader can’t figure out why there’s a cop show DVD set in this story, he can’t figure out why it’s important to know that Brendan has never seen it, only heard about it (related to the bit about dramatic significance and ‘telling’, although surely significance was not your intention here. When you do it as a ‘throwaway’ detail it’s pretty distracting).


“I forgot my gym gear, Sir.”

Quite cold in the office as well, he thought. Smell of lime, or maybe lemons.

“Mr Maloney tells me here that you told him to go F U C K himself. IS that true?”

“Yes, sir.”

“Do you think this is acceptable behavior, Brendan?”

There was a protocol here, at least. He goes by the book, the principal, Respect for that, he thought to himself.

“No, but he passed a remark. He…he implied I was a queer...”

“That’s a BLOODY lie!” Mr. Maloney rocked in the chair.

Maloney, predictable as a train route. Very small minded man.

“Go on, Brendan.”

“He said go back to class to join Madden and Peters and play with Barbie dolls. Ridiculous thing to say, sir. He was implying that Madden and Peters are queer, and me too, sir. He’s always at it so he is.”

“Ohhh, you’re a nasty little one you are. You’re a bloody LIAR,” screamed Maloney.

Maloney interrupted him before he could convey what impact the comment would have vis a vis him and the rest of the class. He was an outsider as it was, but he didn’t want to be slip further down the ladder. Brendan was left alone by his classmates, and he wanted to keep it that way. He was wide to the games; little games of bluff and counter bluff.

Bolded the tag ‘he thought.’ It pops up in a couple other areas too, but at parts where Brendan’s internal monologue is helpful/contributory (not all of them are), the story is already proven to be sympathetic to the main character’s perspective to such a degree that these tags probably aren’t necessary.

Found the next bolded line a little heavy handed. Maybe this is the idea that the cop show DVD is trying to lend itself toward? Anyways, the fact that Brendan respects protocol and order is perhaps the most telling part of his character in this story. It contrasts nicely with the general disorder that’s been evident in the instructor and soon will be displayed in the principal as well. Something about this line seems too important to just come out and whack the reader over the head with it. There has got to be a more subtle, powerful way to present this.

The bolded line about Maloney seems as though it’s already enormously evident in the story. If this is something that Brendan’s mind is raging about and needs to be expressed here, at this point this reader would contend that it’s more about the expression of emotion than the fact that Maloney is ‘small minded.’ Less about the words, more about the emotion. But here’s a perfect example of just how close the narrator is to the main character’s pov. Evidently this is internal dialogue or something near it and there is no tag such as ‘he thought’ or ‘said to himself.’ This is what this reader was talking about earlier.

The last bolded line is completely summary, which is already questionable in itself, but why it should be presented here, where it is mostly distracting, is a structural question. Not only do you have a chance to ‘show’ this to the reader, you have a chance to show it at a way better part of the story- the beginning.


The principal turned a bit red in the face, then looked at Maloney with a worried expression.

“Is that true?”

“No it’s not. He’s trying to dig himself out of a hole.”

Maloney, the pathetic prick…

“Only one way to find out,” the principal said, getting up from his chair. “We’ll ask the lads in gym.”

The two men went down to the gym, leaving Brendan standing in the office. On the wall, there was a big picture of some priest. Brendan was glad the priests didn’t run the school anymore.

After a few minutes, the door opened behind him.

“Brendan Cummins, you are a liar and an impudent one at that! As of now you’re suspended!” shouted the principal.

“But, he passed a remark, sir…” Brendan said, barely wanting to defend himself.

His classmates were cowards. They could stuff their school. There were other schools. Anyway, he felt himself a different animal to them.
Brendan picked his bag up and walked out, not even asking the principal how long he was suspended for.

The first bolded line refers to the point about ‘less about words, more about emotion’ in the previous section, and also note the previous comment about nearness between the narrator and the character’s pov- if you decide this line is even necessary at all.

The bit about the priests- is the point that they would’ve been more harsh? Is Brendan having faith that the principal will see reason and rectify the situation. Maybe this line floats, but it hasn’t successfully stopped this reader from wondering about it. It seems a bit inconsistent that the narrator should say “Brendan was glad…” at this point, given how blurry the line between them sometimes becomes. When this reader was first reading this, he thought you ought to back through and just rewrite it in the first person. He no longer thinks that. He thinks you ought to keep it in the third person, but revise every line that suggests ‘Brendan thought’ or ‘Brendan smelled’ or anything like that and just weave it in to the story as an objective experience for the reader (even though it’s not, it’s purely Brendan’s experience, but because of the sympathy of the narrator, no other experience is more paramount). Just as a quick ‘for instance’:



Quite cold in the office as well, he thought. Smell of lime, or maybe lemons.

… becomes:


Quite cold in the office as well. Smell of lime, or maybe lemons.

It’s almost as though Brendan has been taking out of the experience, because in a way, Brendan is the experience. It’s all sympathetic to his experience of the world- we don’t need to be told who experiences what, because we know who’s experience the piece is.

The next line, about Brendan ‘not wanting to defend himself’- we could probably see that resignation better if you described it in his tone or in his body language.

And the last section here… seemed to end the story on a dud. Brendan is resigned to his fate, and thinks the school can ‘shove it.’ Again, it reads like summary. In this reader’s opinion, you’re going to have to actually describe this. No idea how- that’s your job, anyways, happy writing.


So this reader’s conclusion is going to be given now. This story is a heavy edit away from where it needs to be. But it’s worth editing, it has all the right seeds in place. This response might have felt a bit like being put to the grill. That’s your fault. With your two previous stories and your evolving poetry you’ve set a precedent and if this reader is reading something you wrote and believing you can do better, he’s going to let you know. And right now this reader believes that this story just left the editing table too quickly is all.

[cafolini]

What's hard to buy in this story is that the principal would go to question the students together with M.
Firstly I think M would not last long as teacher with that kind of subterfuge. Secondly, I don't think the principal would be so naive.
If you were to elaborate the ending and show what happened at the gym instead of telling an almost impossible result, you should realize the story doesn't hold the way you have it.
If on the other hand you go through the process and are able to make it hold, it would have to be a much longer story of harassment to make Brendan come out ahead.

[smerdyakov]

Thanks for the feedback guys.

Hill - The end is a little abrupt admittedly. I was trying to get across that despite his liberal affectations, the principal is still part of the institution.

J - You've really taken out the scalpel here man :)
Thanks for the time you have put into this critique, it's much appreciated.
I wrote this thing very quickly, and it shows. Probably should have left it on the cutting room floor. I was attempting to pull something off but it didn't really work. My intention was to convey a certain mood. You would have to have been part of that institution to maybe appreciate what I am saying. It's not autobiographical, but I am in a good position to write about it. The detail is minor and the characters (apart from Brendan) are used to convey a point/mood.

I'm not a big believer of the cardinal "show, don't tell" by the way. It stultifies a lot of writing, in my opinion. Writers are so busy showing everything and it can be very boring for the reader. Writing this way all the time can make the writer feel confined.

[Jack of Hearts]

This reader doesn't think it should've "been left on the cutting room floor"- but he does think it needs a little more time to cook. And you shouldn't feel bad about that- it happens to everyone. Old hill has called this reader on similar items in the past (specifically a story called "The Face of the Earth" from last year). It ends up being alright if you just cut, tweak and shine it a little.






J

[AuntShecky]

As in your other stories I've read, your narrator does have an ear for dialogue and pacing. The difference is that the other stories are resonant, unmistakably "true to life," whereas this one suffers a bit, methinks, from a lack of verisimilitude.

Although one-- especially an American such as yours truly-- would have to be an idiot to question the reality of bullying in schools, but usually such incidents happen among the students themselves, not--as this story seems to imply--so much by a perceived conspiracy among faculty members and the administration. (Even so, I'm writing this even as two horribly tragic cases of child abuse on two separate college campuses are paraded each night on U.S. news broadcasts.) Heartbreaking scandals aside, on these shores anyone in a position of authority over minors is supposed to be extremely scrupulous about the treatment of his charges not necessarily because it is the appropriate attitude but more from a fear of litigation. There's also an atmosphere of so-called "political correctness" which comes from an earnest, well-meaning place in its theory but often reaches depths of ridiculousness in practice. No one (teacher or student alike) is supposed to bandy around terms such as "queer" (Your story, admirably enough, uses both senses of the term.) That's over here; conditions may be entirely different on your side of the pond.

I take it that the setting isn't an ordinary "public" school or whatever the term is for government-provided education on your shores. The reference to the "Wire" DVD hints that this may be some kind of reform school for young criminals or inchoate delinquents. (I must add that the excellent series about cops and young drug dealers in Baltimore showed every side of the story, including the social and racial problems indigenous to that city as well as the nation at large. The series itself did show abuses and brutality by both sides-- the police and the "perps" but also the essential humanity on both sides.) So if the narrator wants to point to The Wire as a justifying pretext for treating students roughly and unfairly, then I'm afraid the symbol doesn't work.

The crux of the story is Brendan's epithet toward the teacher as a reaction to the perceived affront to his masculinity. The detailed description of the photo of the principal's wife shows us that Brendan is not gay at all; he bristles at the fact that the teacher thinks of him as such. (That sort of mindset, in which a straight person blows up after being mistaken for a gay person is indeed insulting-- to actual gay people, I would think.) But since this scenario can be found in all manner of TV dramas and movies -- and, I'm sorry to admit ,as a tiny subtext in one of Richard Russo's outstanding novels --the whole set-up may be, by now, a little overdone.

If you submitted this story to a magazine and they rejected it, the reason the editors might give you (though they hardly ever tell you why) is that the story is "too slight." In this case, there isn't enough development, say with a strategically placed flashback or similar device, to show a distinctive pattern as to why Brendan's gym teacher has a grudge or a prejudice against him.
Otherwise, Brendan just jumps to conclusions, drops the f-bomb, and gets himself suspended.

Hope you don't mind this honest assessment. I also hope that your previously proven talent would give this piece another go and flesh it out into a substantial, resonant story.

And one other hope: that you have the merriest of Christmases and the happiest of New Years.

Respectfully,
Auntie

[smerdyakov]

Thanks a million, Auntie.
Your erudite commentary is most welcome.
The reference to "The Wire" was used to throw a bit of light on the principal's character (It was an exceptional show btw. Probably the best show I have ever watched) But that's all it was, I wasn't tying the themes of that wondrous creation to my own story in any way. I have way too much respect for it. After all, this is a kind of nothing story and I haven't seriously explored anything real. I was trying to catch a mood is all. Hopefully this will trigger something good for me in the future.

I could certainly make more of this story now the more I think about it. Perhaps exploring the issues of homophobia, bullying, interpersonal/group dynamics in schools. School is a nightmare for a lot of young people unfortunately. Where I went to school, at least, these sort of issues were swept under the rug. And since there was a very machismo culture, there is a pecking order (like most institutions) and a lot of bullying goes on. It's horrible the way people tick in groups sometimes.

Your idea of the flashback is good, and would certainly bolster the story. In hindsight, I reckons this story could of been a lot better. We live and learn :).

Thanks for the good wishes, and I sincerely hope you have a lovely Christmas and a blessed and rewarding New Year. All the best.