Gilliatt Gurgle
12-20-2011, 02:11 PM
Dear esteemed members of the Forums, before we open the curtains, you should be aware that in order for the following to make sense, it would have been necessary to follow the Cold Ale Blokes thread over the past year. The play is composed of poems and other odds and ends posted by the Blokes during that time.
If you didn’t follow the thread, don’t worry, it still doesn’t make sense, but we hope you enjoy…
A Cold Ale Blokes Production presents the second annual Cold Ale Blokes Christmas Play
********
Promenade and the Allotment Gnome
In the manner of Mussorgsky and Jack Schaefer
Featuring the Flat Earth Poets Society
Narrated by Captain Beefheart
Dramatis personae
The Gnome – Peter Lorre. Carries a gramophone on his back.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YMhS4LnqaA8&NR=1&feature=fvwp
Spud Buster – A beleaguered allotment farmer with two sheds. Remnant of the Big One, once served as Field Marshal Montgomery’s allotment caretaker.
…The two sheds:
http://www.online-literature.com/forums/showthread.php?t=43406&page=314
(Shed No 1 -Post 4698 and Shed No 2 – Post 4699)
Glorious Albion – Spud Buster’s wife. Old Seth took center stage in her dreams for a spell. Shed No 2 makes her feel frisky.
Old Seth – A high plains drifter turned farm hand, quick on the draw with his Colt spade revolver. Can pop a spud out the ground at 20 paces. Played by Alan Ladd
Fred - The annoying neighbor
Thomas O’Malley – One of the famed “Gatti di Roma” who drifted North by Northwest to the West Midlands on his way to Kilkenny. Recently inherited 10 million euro from his mistress. http://www.guardian.co.uk/world/2011/dec/09/italian-cat-inherits-fortune?newsfeed=true
Padre Martini – A back masking evangelist. Wears a Mozart mask. Exorcizes Led Zeppelin albums in Shed No. 1.
Billy Aristotle – An exporter of first rate Dumas dung for use as soil amendments. Established the Dung Road trading route between Dumas Texas and the West Midlands
Neighboring Allotment Farmers (NAF) – Serve as choral respondents
Parker – Offers private screenings to the ladies
Flat Earth Poets Society:
J=Jocky, PC = Paulclem, P = Prendrelemick, MB = Mark Bastable (portion of musical score) , SM=Soundofmusic (blank verse), GG = Gilliatt Gurgle and special guests; ELP= Emerson Lake and Palmer and HW = Hawkwind
The Prologue
Captain Beefheart
The wind doth blast up in the north
where yon Scot sits all of a quiver.
The Yuletide play draws quickly forth
shouldst he throw himself into the river.
Quills are sharp and the wits are keen
forsooth he must anon hie hence
O'er the festive days he must not be seen
and must o'erleap the snow clad fence.
The wits do gnaw and worry at his bones
and yon sands of time they do ship faster
Winter storms doth drowneth out his groans
of his own self he is no longer master.
Alas poor Jocky accepts his sure fate
to end up like Feste outside the gate. ………J
And now dear friends…
Sit back, relax in tufted velveteen.
Take a draught of starchy potcheen
that showers from concession spigots.
Free refills obtained with the stub of your tickets.
Gnaw the spud lanced by the skewer
Dawn your glasses, it’s a 3D viewer
The Conductor’s head’s as thick as brick
An overture begins with a nod to the pit…..….GG
The Overature
Promenade and the Gnome
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_Y1x04hAUT4
NAF: (Cue: 8:18)
“Lead me from tortured dreams
Childhood themes of nights alone.
Wipe away endless years,
childhood tears as dry as stone.
From seeds of confusion,
illusions dark blossoms have grown.
Even now in furrows of sorrow
the dance still is sung.
My life's course is guided
decided by limits drawn
on charts of my past ways
and pathways since I was born.” ….…..ELP
(Alternate Overture - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7ssfDQirqVk&feature=related )
Exeunt Overture including the alternate
Act I
Scene I
Captain Beefheart
Prologue to Act 1
Coventry isn’t so loventry in cold gray, as December’s frosty scrim lowers on the allotments of West Midlands. Veils of smoke from burning Led Zeppelin albums and imported Dumas dung, hangs languid in stratified layers above the once hallowed grounds now trampled underfoot by marauding hoards of sheep and shepherds.
Rancid potatoes lay scattered among eroded furrows once plowed with pride by Spud Buster and Glorious Albion, now plucked by crows and perforated with bolls.
Tull’s tuber drill contraption offered some hope for the allotment farmers in gaining the upper hand in the ongoing feud with the wool mongers, that is, until Tull discovered a magic flute in Shed No 2.
http://i963.photobucket.com/albums/ae114/tabuka1/Misc%20Album/Jethro_Tull_agriculturistWikipediaImage.jpg
Tull ran off with a group of minstrels and started a band.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3Ljy6PTbX9I&feature=related
Tull’s departure left the potato farmers high and dry with no hope of holding on to their little scratch of dirt against the Tup borne barbarians. The writing was on the shed; the farmers must yield their land, sheds, tubers and spades to the sheep barons and move on. Like Steinbeck’s Joads, the farmers began their exodus from the Spud Bowl, heading west to California, only the back masking Padre chose to remain, carrying on his pursuit of the dark arts….
Padre Martini:
seY ereht era owt sdehs uoy nac og yub
nur gnol eht ni tub
ti lilts syap ot teg a griht eno no
(Yes there are two sheds you can go buy
But in the long run
It still pays to get a third one on)….…..PC
Captain Beefheart
As the refugee farmers approached Coventry one frosty Christmas eve, succor descended from the mountains of Wyoming in the form a gnome and his travelling companion; a steel eyed, spade sling’n drifter from Jackson Hole named Old Seth.
Hark, they approach from the west…
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9qzDpl0DtbE&feature=related
The Gnome and Old Seth entered the allotments in a split flanking maneuver. Their battle cry was heard by the farmers who joined in the chorus…
NAF and the rest of the cast except Fred and Padre Martini
A hunting we will go
A hunting we will go
Quark and Nutrin-ee-o
A hunting we will go
we stalk the wounded Lepton
and trap the cunning Muon
up spin or down spin its all the same to us
So weave your webs like spiders
aim your Hadron colliders,
Fermions or Tau its all the same to us .
But one thing you must know son.
Don't mess with a Higgs- Boson.
If you're going to con Cern its all the same to us………P
Act II
Scene I
Glorious Albion
There was a farmer who drank horlicks
who kept measuring his prized rams b......s
Till his missus said to he
you are not seeing to me
but Old Seth the farm hand makes me rollicks. Boom Boom……..J
Captain Beefheart
The Gnome couldn’t help but notice Glorious Albion’s furtive glances toward Old Seth since he arrived, her flushed cheeks, sleepless nights and the rapid rise and fall of her bosom.
The Gnome
If you can't sleep, you can try,
The curmudgeon's lullaby,
Thats gin and orange and whisky rye,
Soon golden slumbers close your eye.
And golden dreams can then begin,
Of you and Old Seth, and his* twin?
And Parker comes and tucks you in,
And wipes the gin from off your chin..…….P
aside *Prendrelemick’s original words- “…Steffi and her…”
After which he begins his preening
To swoon the girls
For a private screening…….GG
Glorious Albion
After the last few years, Parker will not get the chance to drag me behind another screen.
Last time, I found myself next morning in Sod Buster’s* shed with Fred’s* pink tup, Billy Aristotle’s* wallet and gator boots and a tarred and feathered life sized Prince Charles doll.......SM
aside *Soundofmusic’s original words “Paul’s”, “Prens”, “Jockys”
Captain Beefheart
The Gnome’s counseling of Glorious Albion was interrupted by a husky baritone voice coming from the south east…
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xW1BLDsIR-A
Thomas O’Malley
I come from a Roma search’n
Fur a fair Kilkenny brawl
Upon this allotment I’m lurch’n
To launch fur balls stuck in me craw………GG
…So tell me…
Is that old Brummie weather-lore?
When gulls do croi above the green,
A frost will next be seen.
When they return unto the cowst,
Cast your clout or yow will rowst……….P
Act II
Scene II
Captain Beefheart
Across the allotment, the sound of jibber jabber could be heard from Shed No 1. Old Seth, the Gnome, Spud Buster and Thomas O’Malley headed across the field and surrounded the shed. The Padre could be heard inside spewing forth incantations in a corrupted form of blank verse whilst “Houses of the Holy” was levitating in flames.
Martini’s voice was shaken, but not stirred…
Padre Martini:
Thieving dogs
Prince Charles' Jack Russels
Satanic Sheds - Led Zeppellin's original name
A case of Highland envy - shedwise
An annoying neighbour
Mystical levitating albums
A proposal for this year's Blokes Thread Play
Sounds drinking habits/ potato cheese dishes/ the trouble with chianti/ a welcome/ a request for an illicit substance's recipe/ the Miami demographic/ careers advice
Testicle Tape - Ill never forget
A telling off/ un-PC ness/ a realisation
Speculation about a relocation/ praise for the qualities of wives
A tip for using Testicle tape……………PC
Captain Beefheart
Having just delivered a fresh load of soil amendments, Billy Aristotle takes time to shoot the breeze with Spud Buster telling him of the latest news from Texas.
Billy Aristotle
The dangers of following the Rangers
Cannot be known by strangers.
Your hair you'll pull out
At the Umpire's shout
You'll boo and you'll hiss
At a swing and a miss
you'll shout and cheer
And drink too much beer
And your hopes, they be fecund
Then you finish second………P
Spud Buster
Tis the basest of ball
That has you in thrall.
A game that so confounds us,
I think I'll stick to Rounders. ……….P
Act III
Scene I
Captain Beefheart
The Gnome and Old Seth’s work here was done. The allotment Farmers had regained control of their land, Jack Palance and the rest of the wool mongers were no longer a threat. The Gnome hoisted his gramophone on his back and headed south with Old Seth, to deal with that damned brouhaha regarding Shakespeare and the Italian connection.
Old Seth
What are you spinnin on that old thing?
The Gnome
“Hawkwind”, you wanna share an ear bud?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lFPLgGWMndc&feature=related ……… courtesy of MB
.
The End
.
Sponsers (Cue up Ian Anderson….courtesy of Jocky) - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QE8YLPHZImw
Flat Earth Poets Society
Coventry Reclamation of Allotments Party – Furnished extras serving as the NAF
Stage hands provided by Nesbits of Northumbria
Dumas AAA Dung
Tidy Cat litter
Scene that didn’t make the final cut
The Gnome tours “pictures at an exhibition” in Shed no 2 and goes berserk:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Nb4Ks8sLtX0&feature=related
Scores from the play plus bonus tracks
Available on vinyl and 8 tracks in the Lobby
Emerson Lake and Palmer
ttp://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_Y1x04hAUT4
Modest Mussorgsky
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7ssfDQirqVk&feature=related
Jethro Tull
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3Ljy6PTbX9I&feature=related
Theme to Shane – Victor Young
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9qzDpl0DtbE&feature=related
Thomas O’Malley
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xW1BLDsIR-A
Hawkwind….MB
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lFPLgGWMndc&feature=related
Ian Anderson…..J
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QE8YLPHZImw
Led Zeppelin
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lKg4g9zMeHI
Emmylou Harris
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=W7kZrssy7KQ&feature=related
Canned Heat
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PouMzBdB-Ts&feature=related
Bing Crosby
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kD7Xppe_kg8&feature=related
Burl Ives
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CirrRY_6aaU&feature=related
Mississippi John Hurt
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=T8S-Pu6T0Q0&feature=related
A Charlie Brown Christmas
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GPG3zSgm_Qo&feature=related
Vaughn Monroe
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J7x5n1Qi5DA&feature=related
If you didn’t follow the thread, don’t worry, it still doesn’t make sense, but we hope you enjoy…
A Cold Ale Blokes Production presents the second annual Cold Ale Blokes Christmas Play
********
Promenade and the Allotment Gnome
In the manner of Mussorgsky and Jack Schaefer
Featuring the Flat Earth Poets Society
Narrated by Captain Beefheart
Dramatis personae
The Gnome – Peter Lorre. Carries a gramophone on his back.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YMhS4LnqaA8&NR=1&feature=fvwp
Spud Buster – A beleaguered allotment farmer with two sheds. Remnant of the Big One, once served as Field Marshal Montgomery’s allotment caretaker.
…The two sheds:
http://www.online-literature.com/forums/showthread.php?t=43406&page=314
(Shed No 1 -Post 4698 and Shed No 2 – Post 4699)
Glorious Albion – Spud Buster’s wife. Old Seth took center stage in her dreams for a spell. Shed No 2 makes her feel frisky.
Old Seth – A high plains drifter turned farm hand, quick on the draw with his Colt spade revolver. Can pop a spud out the ground at 20 paces. Played by Alan Ladd
Fred - The annoying neighbor
Thomas O’Malley – One of the famed “Gatti di Roma” who drifted North by Northwest to the West Midlands on his way to Kilkenny. Recently inherited 10 million euro from his mistress. http://www.guardian.co.uk/world/2011/dec/09/italian-cat-inherits-fortune?newsfeed=true
Padre Martini – A back masking evangelist. Wears a Mozart mask. Exorcizes Led Zeppelin albums in Shed No. 1.
Billy Aristotle – An exporter of first rate Dumas dung for use as soil amendments. Established the Dung Road trading route between Dumas Texas and the West Midlands
Neighboring Allotment Farmers (NAF) – Serve as choral respondents
Parker – Offers private screenings to the ladies
Flat Earth Poets Society:
J=Jocky, PC = Paulclem, P = Prendrelemick, MB = Mark Bastable (portion of musical score) , SM=Soundofmusic (blank verse), GG = Gilliatt Gurgle and special guests; ELP= Emerson Lake and Palmer and HW = Hawkwind
The Prologue
Captain Beefheart
The wind doth blast up in the north
where yon Scot sits all of a quiver.
The Yuletide play draws quickly forth
shouldst he throw himself into the river.
Quills are sharp and the wits are keen
forsooth he must anon hie hence
O'er the festive days he must not be seen
and must o'erleap the snow clad fence.
The wits do gnaw and worry at his bones
and yon sands of time they do ship faster
Winter storms doth drowneth out his groans
of his own self he is no longer master.
Alas poor Jocky accepts his sure fate
to end up like Feste outside the gate. ………J
And now dear friends…
Sit back, relax in tufted velveteen.
Take a draught of starchy potcheen
that showers from concession spigots.
Free refills obtained with the stub of your tickets.
Gnaw the spud lanced by the skewer
Dawn your glasses, it’s a 3D viewer
The Conductor’s head’s as thick as brick
An overture begins with a nod to the pit…..….GG
The Overature
Promenade and the Gnome
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_Y1x04hAUT4
NAF: (Cue: 8:18)
“Lead me from tortured dreams
Childhood themes of nights alone.
Wipe away endless years,
childhood tears as dry as stone.
From seeds of confusion,
illusions dark blossoms have grown.
Even now in furrows of sorrow
the dance still is sung.
My life's course is guided
decided by limits drawn
on charts of my past ways
and pathways since I was born.” ….…..ELP
(Alternate Overture - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7ssfDQirqVk&feature=related )
Exeunt Overture including the alternate
Act I
Scene I
Captain Beefheart
Prologue to Act 1
Coventry isn’t so loventry in cold gray, as December’s frosty scrim lowers on the allotments of West Midlands. Veils of smoke from burning Led Zeppelin albums and imported Dumas dung, hangs languid in stratified layers above the once hallowed grounds now trampled underfoot by marauding hoards of sheep and shepherds.
Rancid potatoes lay scattered among eroded furrows once plowed with pride by Spud Buster and Glorious Albion, now plucked by crows and perforated with bolls.
Tull’s tuber drill contraption offered some hope for the allotment farmers in gaining the upper hand in the ongoing feud with the wool mongers, that is, until Tull discovered a magic flute in Shed No 2.
http://i963.photobucket.com/albums/ae114/tabuka1/Misc%20Album/Jethro_Tull_agriculturistWikipediaImage.jpg
Tull ran off with a group of minstrels and started a band.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3Ljy6PTbX9I&feature=related
Tull’s departure left the potato farmers high and dry with no hope of holding on to their little scratch of dirt against the Tup borne barbarians. The writing was on the shed; the farmers must yield their land, sheds, tubers and spades to the sheep barons and move on. Like Steinbeck’s Joads, the farmers began their exodus from the Spud Bowl, heading west to California, only the back masking Padre chose to remain, carrying on his pursuit of the dark arts….
Padre Martini:
seY ereht era owt sdehs uoy nac og yub
nur gnol eht ni tub
ti lilts syap ot teg a griht eno no
(Yes there are two sheds you can go buy
But in the long run
It still pays to get a third one on)….…..PC
Captain Beefheart
As the refugee farmers approached Coventry one frosty Christmas eve, succor descended from the mountains of Wyoming in the form a gnome and his travelling companion; a steel eyed, spade sling’n drifter from Jackson Hole named Old Seth.
Hark, they approach from the west…
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9qzDpl0DtbE&feature=related
The Gnome and Old Seth entered the allotments in a split flanking maneuver. Their battle cry was heard by the farmers who joined in the chorus…
NAF and the rest of the cast except Fred and Padre Martini
A hunting we will go
A hunting we will go
Quark and Nutrin-ee-o
A hunting we will go
we stalk the wounded Lepton
and trap the cunning Muon
up spin or down spin its all the same to us
So weave your webs like spiders
aim your Hadron colliders,
Fermions or Tau its all the same to us .
But one thing you must know son.
Don't mess with a Higgs- Boson.
If you're going to con Cern its all the same to us………P
Act II
Scene I
Glorious Albion
There was a farmer who drank horlicks
who kept measuring his prized rams b......s
Till his missus said to he
you are not seeing to me
but Old Seth the farm hand makes me rollicks. Boom Boom……..J
Captain Beefheart
The Gnome couldn’t help but notice Glorious Albion’s furtive glances toward Old Seth since he arrived, her flushed cheeks, sleepless nights and the rapid rise and fall of her bosom.
The Gnome
If you can't sleep, you can try,
The curmudgeon's lullaby,
Thats gin and orange and whisky rye,
Soon golden slumbers close your eye.
And golden dreams can then begin,
Of you and Old Seth, and his* twin?
And Parker comes and tucks you in,
And wipes the gin from off your chin..…….P
aside *Prendrelemick’s original words- “…Steffi and her…”
After which he begins his preening
To swoon the girls
For a private screening…….GG
Glorious Albion
After the last few years, Parker will not get the chance to drag me behind another screen.
Last time, I found myself next morning in Sod Buster’s* shed with Fred’s* pink tup, Billy Aristotle’s* wallet and gator boots and a tarred and feathered life sized Prince Charles doll.......SM
aside *Soundofmusic’s original words “Paul’s”, “Prens”, “Jockys”
Captain Beefheart
The Gnome’s counseling of Glorious Albion was interrupted by a husky baritone voice coming from the south east…
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xW1BLDsIR-A
Thomas O’Malley
I come from a Roma search’n
Fur a fair Kilkenny brawl
Upon this allotment I’m lurch’n
To launch fur balls stuck in me craw………GG
…So tell me…
Is that old Brummie weather-lore?
When gulls do croi above the green,
A frost will next be seen.
When they return unto the cowst,
Cast your clout or yow will rowst……….P
Act II
Scene II
Captain Beefheart
Across the allotment, the sound of jibber jabber could be heard from Shed No 1. Old Seth, the Gnome, Spud Buster and Thomas O’Malley headed across the field and surrounded the shed. The Padre could be heard inside spewing forth incantations in a corrupted form of blank verse whilst “Houses of the Holy” was levitating in flames.
Martini’s voice was shaken, but not stirred…
Padre Martini:
Thieving dogs
Prince Charles' Jack Russels
Satanic Sheds - Led Zeppellin's original name
A case of Highland envy - shedwise
An annoying neighbour
Mystical levitating albums
A proposal for this year's Blokes Thread Play
Sounds drinking habits/ potato cheese dishes/ the trouble with chianti/ a welcome/ a request for an illicit substance's recipe/ the Miami demographic/ careers advice
Testicle Tape - Ill never forget
A telling off/ un-PC ness/ a realisation
Speculation about a relocation/ praise for the qualities of wives
A tip for using Testicle tape……………PC
Captain Beefheart
Having just delivered a fresh load of soil amendments, Billy Aristotle takes time to shoot the breeze with Spud Buster telling him of the latest news from Texas.
Billy Aristotle
The dangers of following the Rangers
Cannot be known by strangers.
Your hair you'll pull out
At the Umpire's shout
You'll boo and you'll hiss
At a swing and a miss
you'll shout and cheer
And drink too much beer
And your hopes, they be fecund
Then you finish second………P
Spud Buster
Tis the basest of ball
That has you in thrall.
A game that so confounds us,
I think I'll stick to Rounders. ……….P
Act III
Scene I
Captain Beefheart
The Gnome and Old Seth’s work here was done. The allotment Farmers had regained control of their land, Jack Palance and the rest of the wool mongers were no longer a threat. The Gnome hoisted his gramophone on his back and headed south with Old Seth, to deal with that damned brouhaha regarding Shakespeare and the Italian connection.
Old Seth
What are you spinnin on that old thing?
The Gnome
“Hawkwind”, you wanna share an ear bud?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lFPLgGWMndc&feature=related ……… courtesy of MB
.
The End
.
Sponsers (Cue up Ian Anderson….courtesy of Jocky) - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QE8YLPHZImw
Flat Earth Poets Society
Coventry Reclamation of Allotments Party – Furnished extras serving as the NAF
Stage hands provided by Nesbits of Northumbria
Dumas AAA Dung
Tidy Cat litter
Scene that didn’t make the final cut
The Gnome tours “pictures at an exhibition” in Shed no 2 and goes berserk:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Nb4Ks8sLtX0&feature=related
Scores from the play plus bonus tracks
Available on vinyl and 8 tracks in the Lobby
Emerson Lake and Palmer
ttp://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_Y1x04hAUT4
Modest Mussorgsky
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7ssfDQirqVk&feature=related
Jethro Tull
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3Ljy6PTbX9I&feature=related
Theme to Shane – Victor Young
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9qzDpl0DtbE&feature=related
Thomas O’Malley
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xW1BLDsIR-A
Hawkwind….MB
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lFPLgGWMndc&feature=related
Ian Anderson…..J
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QE8YLPHZImw
Led Zeppelin
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lKg4g9zMeHI
Emmylou Harris
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=W7kZrssy7KQ&feature=related
Canned Heat
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PouMzBdB-Ts&feature=related
Bing Crosby
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kD7Xppe_kg8&feature=related
Burl Ives
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CirrRY_6aaU&feature=related
Mississippi John Hurt
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=T8S-Pu6T0Q0&feature=related
A Charlie Brown Christmas
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GPG3zSgm_Qo&feature=related
Vaughn Monroe
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J7x5n1Qi5DA&feature=related