Office Doldrums

[DieterM]

Oh! how I hate, how I abhor
this senseless, yawning,
Monday morning
lassitude,
this dismal, unwilling
muzak mood!

Oh! how I hate, how I abhor
this zealless reeling,
this daft, freewheeling
office spiel,
no caffeine able
to rouse my zeal!

Oh! how I hate, how I abhor
this office, unheated,
its air permeated
and hazed with chill,
my IMac screen empty
like my will!

And how I long, how I crave
for this evening’s walk
home…

[Delta40]

lol. I liked this Dieter, despite the threads of forceful passion woven between the doldrums, the apathy, the lassitude....

[Bar22do]

Oh how I understand you Dieter! I value independence so much!
I think your little poem would gain from a bit of trimming, please consider (or not...) - // = I'd prefer without:

Oh! how I hate, how I abhor
this senseless, /yawning,/ (you don't need this comma)
Monday morning
/lassitude/,
this dismal, unwilling
muzak mood!

Oh! how I hate, how I abhor
this /zealless/ reeling,
this daft, /freewheeling/
office spiel,
no caffeine able
to rouse my zeal!

Oh! how I hate, how I abhor
this office, /unheated,/
its air permeated
/and hazed/ with chill,
my IMac screen empty
like my will!

And how I long, how I crave
for this evening’s walk
home… (since everywhere else you have rhymes, try to find one for the end as well...???)

You must have typed right into a thread this very morning.... Be brave! the working week has only five days! :smile5: best from me, Bar

[Hawkman]

I rather like this, Dieter. It's humerous, with nice assonance and alliteration on a universal theme, the monday morning blues coupled with the added down of cold dark winter. Where I feel it stumbles a bit is in the rhythm.

You don't appear to be sticking to any set syllable count per line so I wondered why in S1 you put lassitude on a line of it's own. This actually creates an unnatural pause mid line and it would read better as:

"Oh! how I hate, how I abhor
this senseless, yawning,
Monday morning lassitude,
this dismal,
unwilling
muzak mood!"

Like this the pauses are coherently spaced, though youve one too many syllables in "unwilling". "Laggard" would work here. In S2 there are also some rhythmic problems.

"...no caffeine able
to rouse my zeal!"

What's wrong with this? Well, I read the first line as "no caffeinable" the syllables sort of run together. I think it might work better as:

"not even caffeine
able to inflame my zeal"

which paces the line slightly better so the syntax is less rushed, although using Zealless and zeal in the same stanza isn't ideal. You might want to investigate an alternative wording for the sentiment.

The problem with the 2nd line is it's too staccatto. 4 single syllables, all stressed. Nearly everywhere else you have multi-syllabic or unstressed-stressed combinations which aid the flow. I'd suggest replacing "rouse" with "inflame".

The rhyming is elegant and unforced and overall I think this is a very pleasing read.

Live and be well - H

[Hawkman]

Sorry, The above got double posted because I'm having real trouble with my forum access. :(

[Delta40]

Sorry, The above got double posted because I'm having real trouble with my forum access. :(

I couldn't access Lit-Net in the afternoon or evening for some reason.

[DieterM]

Thanks to all of you for reading and commenting. It's Wednesday now, yet I still have the same Monday-feeling that made me write these lines. Which means my brains have left for xmas holidays, with my sole body left back. In the office *sigh*. I'll try to re-read myself (next week) and do something with your precious suggestions. In the meantime, have yourself a merry little xmas, my friends.