Martin's poetry

[Martin34]

Mirror
The alarm went off, th dawn rised
Woke up, and the fear raised
Look at YOU, panic appeared on eyes
Oaf, where have YOU gone by?
To everyone: this is the first time ever I made an poem, so please could you guys leave me instructive comments and advices. Thanks!

[hillwalker]

My first piece of advice - re-read before posting and double-check your grammar (and typos) :

th = the?

There's no such word as 'rised' - nor does dawn rise (it's the sun that rises, or in this case 'rose')

'the fear raised' makes no sense unless you also mean 'the fear rose up' - when you write 'the fear raised' that means the fear must have raised something up but you don't tell us what it raised ('raise' is a transitive verb - which means it has to be followed by a direct object - something or someone upon which the action of 'raising' was carried out).

Capitalising 'YOU' isn't necessary. It doesn't emphasize the word. just appears amateurish.

'panic appeared on eyes' is again grammatically suspect - 'in his eyes'? or 'in my eyes' might make sense, but not 'on eyes'.

And the final line - 'where have YOU gone by?' - again why 'gone by'? - why not write 'gone'? One assumes the mirror is asking where the person in the reflection has gone to, not asking where he went past.

I'm sure many of the faults in this piece are a result of you trying to write something in rhyme - although none of the lines actually rhyme.

For such a short piece there's a lot that's wrong with it. The idea behind waking up and looking in the mirror to find a stranger looking back at you is an interesting one but you have a great deal of work to make this readable.

H

[Martin34]

thank you so much! You don't know how much you has help me!