My Birthday Wish

[Twota]

Tonight, a new candle is added
to the old rotten cake,
leave it alight all night,
let it burn to the cream.

[hillwalker]

I'm not sure if you're celebrating adding another year to your increasing age - and feeling down - but although it's a short one this poem's not exactly fault-free:

Tonight, a new candle is added
to the (?) same rotten old cake, (very prosey)
leave it alight all night, (awkward internal rhyme)
shall it burn (grammatically incorrect) down (?) to the cream.

A drastic rewrite in order I suggest.

H

[Jerrybaldy]

Hi Twota
that is the birthday gift of constructive criticism from Hill. Happy 18th Birthday Twota!!!! keep writing.

[Twota]

jerry, thanks alot :D and yeah I can't think of a better gift :D

and hill, thanks for the gift, I will use it wisely ;D

[hillwalker]

Hi Twota - congrats on your birthday. And one question. What are you doing sat at home writing poetry when you should be out partying? Or is this a case of the post-party blues?

H

[Twota]

Thanks hill, and I don't know, may be it is, yes.. :)

[hillwalker]

I hope you realise that my crit is "the gift that keeps giving". :santasmil

H

[Jack of Hearts]

Haha.

Happy birthday.





J

[Hawkman]

It's all very well letting your candle burn down, but it's best not to burn it at both ends, for the light that burns twice as brightly, burns half as long. :D

Congrats - live long and prosper - H

[Charles Darnay]

My candle burns at both ends; it will not last the night; but ah, my foes, and oh, my friends - it gives a lovely light!
-Edna St. Vincent Millay


And Twota....I don't know where you're buying those birthday cakes, but old and rotten isn't the most appetizing!

Happy belated birthday!

[Bar22do]

Happy Birthday Twota! and congrats for your excellent cake, I mean, poem!!! :wink5:

[Twota]

thank you all for your sweet birthday wishes :D and special thanks to hill for his gift. :D