Hillbilly Happenings

[Fellsman]

Last Friday night, my wife she died
Can't really say I missed her
I buried her Saturday morning
Then went courtin' with her sister.

Now in these parts, a mans a man
'Cos we're sure long time dead
Wife's sis and me din't wait too long
'Fore hoppin' into bed.

That night the Padre knocked my door
His name was Pastor Todd
He said "I heard a womans voice
Scream 'God, O God, O God'."

Well I thought quick upon my feet
For first time in my life
I said "me and my sis-in-law
We're praying for my wife."

The Padre said "Well I can't stay
The good word I must spread"
I thanked him kindly, slammed the door
Then went right back to bed.

Wife's sis and me got on real good
I surely can declare
If I'd known she's this hot in bed
Then I'd have married her.

http://upic.me/i/9p/dancing_hillbilly.jpg (http://upic.me/show/31154998)

[Bar22do]

Bad boy! ah, but so very amusing and well said! bravo Fellman! and my best,

Bar

[Buh4Bee]

Fellsman- Keep the blood flowing! Much enjoyed.

[Haunted]

LOL That's soooo hillbilly, you totally nailed it. Just a couple of things.

'Cos we're sure long time dead
Wife's sis and me din't wait too long

The line break is awkward and I couldn't make sense of it.

Also wonder if you even need the last stanza, it reads like a standard wrap up and that's where the poem lost its edge. Otherwise, a really funny spoof.

[hillwalker]

I'll buck the trend and admit this lacks the polish of your earlier pieces.

Some of the metre is awkward - the last 2 lines of V1 and 6 in particular - and the phraseology sounds horribly forced as if you're relying on the folksy dialect to carry the piece (try reading 'wife's sis' out loud - twice (!) - it's so clumsy).

The plot though flimsy is quite droll but I think on this occasion you were trying too hard to tickle our funny bones.

H

[Fellsman]

Many thanks to all for your comments: Some of you thought the humour worked and others didn't... I believe all critique is helpful and if I may pick up on a couple of points.


Haunted I know precisely why you dislike using apostrophes in order to reduce the syllable count, I was working to a 30 syllable count per stanza.

You will know that the apostrophe is a standard device for artificially reducing the number of syllables in a particular word, I agree it is clumsy, but the only other solution that I can see is a total rewrite of the lines affected - keeping excess syllables in them ruins the rhythm.


Hillwalker Your critique is as considered as ever. I was, as you say, relying almost entirely on the folksy hillbilly vernacular to underscore the humour, however, I envisaged this as being more in the style of the lyrics of a hillbilly type song than poetry. Maybe I watched too many episodes of 'The Adams Family' as a child!

I would imagine that by default, almost any plot involving hillbilly humour is likely to be flimsy.

Finally, once again, thanks to everyone for taking the time to read and respond.

Regards

Fellsman