Untitled

[symphony]

Pick up the music from a backdrop of chaos
I bring me to myself piece by piece
Pieces lost in the way
Some I left when I yawned
A few had a way of their own
I lost some for I didn’t see
The loss of some I deeply mourn
Pieces were lost in the way

Pick up the mind from a backdrop of crowd
Will you bring them back someday?

[cacian]

This an enjoyable piece.
I enjoyed the mystery of it and I like the first opening line

Pick up the music from a backdrop of chaos

simly beautiful.
Thank you:smile5:

[symphony]

Thanks cacian. The first line came in a whirl of the subconscious, when the unwanted noise of a TV in the background was getting in my way of thinking clearly. The whole poem I wrote in a sort of daze, trying to regain the thought that I thought just a second ago.

[Delta40]

I note the repetition of words here. Pieces, lost, some, way but just as I think this is a flawed piece of writing, I discover the obscure reframing of music in chaos!

[blank|verse]

Yes, it has the feel of a pantoum or roundel, symphony - some form like that with the repeated lines or phrases, which is quite attractive and hypnotic.

However, this means the bits that don't quite work tend to stick out. I thought lines 2 and 3 were clumsily phrased: 'me to myself' and 'piece by piece | Pieces'. And I also thought a few more real, tangible things in the poem would help, as it's otherwise too abstract.

Definitely one to keep working on though, as it has a lot of promise.

[PrinceMyshkin]

Unlike some of the previous commentators, I don't think you should meddle with this, as the subconscious has its own laws and logic, and this comes across as a wonderful collaboration between it and you

[Bar22do]

entrancing, symphony, and I'm confident the I could finally gather all the pieces, bit by bit. Like B/V, I think this one deserves another thought to shine with all its essence.

very best from bar