The Tor

[Hawkman]

The close-cropped emerald baize is sodden,
muddied black by hoofs, cloven and whole,
and there,
where cars have parked upon the verge,
gouged by tyres,
empty trenches fit for action-men.

In the field,
bovine sentries and their pony allies
battle elemental winds
that furrow puddles swollen into moats
unable to reflect the frowning skies.

A primordial tower of rock,
grey granite faulted into cubes,
a natural keep
crumbling into boulder fields
and broken scree,
endures this age in stoic sleep
upon its weathered motte.

[PrinceMyshkin]

There's a chewiness to virtually all your syllables here such that they seem visually to recreate the scene on the two-dimensional page.

[AuntShecky]

The Great State of New Hampshire once took unapologetic pride in a geological formation called "The Old Man in the Mountain"-- a definite profile of a human face which brought in vast numbers of tourists until one day eight years ago when it (he?) crumbled to the ground below. (Guess there was no plastic surgeon in the house to do an emergency face lift that fateful day.)

With this posting we are blessed with a new geological formation.

Only two quibbles with this one, dear Master Craftsman: (1) do you mean "hoofs" or "hooves"? and (2) Methinks "primordial" is an over-used word.

But what treasures lurk in the remaining word choices!--
--The title word
--"baize"
"scree" (that "backwards" formation noun from a synonym for talus.) "Sree" looks great on the "page" and "sounds" even better.

Even the garden variety words take on new lives when used in a unique way:

--the "verge" for the edge of the cliff. (By the bye, I'm so glad you're not subjected to the onslaught of American car commercials in which they pose the latest model on a precipice. Before the age of CGI, they used helicopters.)

--A "natural keep" or castle

--"motte" Sort of a nonce word combining the real word "motte" meaning a grove of trees while suggesting "mottled" and "matte" as a bumpy veneer.

And the imagery so beautifully linked, i.e., "the empty trenches" echoed by the later lines: "puddles swollen into moats unable to reflect the frowning skies." "Frowning," by the way, is ingenious-- depicting how low-lying clouds almost curve downward.

This is a tour de force, Hawk, proving one of my pet theories that every good poem (and play) is about two things-- its chosen topic and language.

[Haunted]

It's a visual poem of the rock which takes on the characteristics of a castle, along with moats, sentries and stoicism. And it's obvious who the enemy is — us. People are scarring nature with their cars and tire marks and the trenches they create, ironic since they come here to admire the landscape. A hero of a battle scene here, minus the blood.

[Hawkman]

Prince: thanks for reading and I'm glad I gave you something to get your teeth into ;)

Auntie: According to my dictionaries both Hoofs and Hooves are acceptable spellings. Not sure how you came by your breakdown of scree, but it is the word for a sloping mass of weathered rock at the base of a cliff or mountain and derived from skritha, to slide.

Motte is not a nonce word, I'm afraid. A motte, in context is the mound upon which a castle keep is constructed. Over here we still have survivals of Motte and Bailey castles built by the Normans after 1066. In fact there's one about 5 miles from where I'm sitting.

The verge here is actually meant to be the roadside, rather than a precipice, but it's a nice thought, but I'm afraid cars on cliffs seem to be a universal cliche :D

Anyway, thanks for reading and for enjoying it, even if you don't like "primordial" - lol

Sorry you have lost one of your landmarks though! Various tors on Dartmoor have legends attached to them. Seen from the right angle all sorts of shapes are revealed in their profiles. There is one which is supposed to be a witch turned to stone.

Haunted: Glad you picked up on the battlfield analogies as I was using them consciously to evoke the scene. Thanks for reading and letting me know you have.

Live and be well - H

[Fellsman]

I found the write very entertaining Hawkman, and dare I say it, I also found the three previous reviewers very entertaining too. I am way out of my league in such erudite company, but I truly admire the constructive critiques so prevalent on this site - they really keep the writer on his/her toes.

Fellsman

[Hawkman]

Thanks Fellsman :) I agree that this is a site with much to offer!

Live and be well - H

[blank|verse]

Very nice, Hawk. It reminds me a lot of Robin Robertson (http://www.poetryarchive.org/poetryarchive/singlePoem.do;jsessionid=8C1ED9175698E9D7E70E7A070 D3C937A?poemId=7612), this clipped, terse tone to reflect a harsh natural environment (are you familiar with his poems? – I can really hear his hard-edged Scottish burr reading this out). On the whole, the poem works very well, and the inclusion of a succession of stress-heavy words makes it the reading equivalent of traipsing through the mud being described – which, in context, works really well!

I wonder if some of the language and imagery could be even tighter. Do you need both line 4 and line 5, for example? (I'd be tempted to cut line 4, personally.) I wonder if line 1 has one too many stresses. Do you need 'emerald' and 'baize'? (And I like 'baize' but it does put in mind of snooker tables.) Do you need 'close' and 'cropped'? (Anyway, I'd think of breaking the line at 'baize'.) Likewise, do you need 'sodden' and 'muddied'? 'Cloven' and 'whole'? 'Cloven' or 'whole' as you've told us they're hoof-marks we're looking at? Cut, cut, cut!

I thought there were only two weaknesses in the imagery – the 'action-men' reference seemed out of synch, taking us away from the natural world to that of plastic children's toys, although I see how you're working in military references – but the inclusion of 'trenches' does that in itself. Or why not have something from the natural world – a rabbit or bird – in the trench, or fly from it as it spots the narrator?

And secondly – as Prince pointed out elsewhere recently – I wasn't keen on the pathetic fallacy of 'the frowning skies'. But to pick up on his other point, I found the sounds of the last stanza not 'chewy' but teeth-shattering! All the cracking 'g' 'ck' 'c' 'k' sounds work superbly (and I'd think about breaking line 13 at 'faulted').

But overall, I think this is one of my favourite poems of yours, Hawk. Good stuff.

[Buh4Bee]

A scene worthy of a tourist's visit. The landscape is a great attraction and one major reason to visit Great Britain. Although, this is not the poet's intention, this is how I experienced the poem. A highly visual piece with enough capacity to allow the reader's imagination to visualize the historical ruins.

I think you have received ample feedback on the language, and, at times, it does get heavy on the mouth. I also agree that the action-men could be omitted. As I have nothing new to add, I'll say no more. A good read.

[Hawkman]

Hi b/v and thanks once again for reading. I have read a couple of Robertsons' poems (I rather think you may have directed me to them) but you shouldn't be hearing a Scotts accent here, it's pure Janner - lol.

I agree that close cropped isn't as good as it could be. It was originally sheep-cropped, but I made specific reference to the presence of cows and ponys later and didn't want to omit them from the list of allies present. I couldn't mention them again, so I decided to leave them out. the beat was needed though, hence close.

With your remark cut, cut, cut, I have to say no, no, no! The differences in hoof prints is significant, conveying information, as is the description of the appearance of the granite. It is integral to the look of the tor(s). Baize is what the grass looks like where it's grazed and when it's wet in winter it looks like sodden baize. It is a winter scene and there are few birds about and certainly no rabbits visible by day in this spot. The action man reference was there to give a sense of scale, but I was congniscent that it might not be to everyone's taste.

I'm not sure I agree that frowning skies is actually a pathetic fallacy. It's not as if I've said the skies are happy or sad, frowning is just a metaphor for their appearance, and I think it fits.

I'm immensely pleased that you found a lot to like in this poem, though.

B4B: I see you posted a comment while I was replying to b/v. Thanks for reading. I agree it is a heavy going poem, but it it's a heavy going scene I'm trying to paint. Usually I employ a lighter touch, but I don't want to be same-ol' same-ol' :D I'm happy that you found it a good read though.

Live and be well - H

[hillwalker]

I have read this a number of times and resisted commenting until now - there's not much I can add to the other praise already bestowed.

I do agree with b|v regarding 'empty trenches fit for action-men.' - the first image I got was plastic dolls for boys - but the second was those weekend 4x4 drivers who enjoy tearing up moorland in their pursuit of off-road mayhem (and admittedly it might also have a military connection being Dartmoor).

But I also was left uncertain about 'grey granite faulted into cubes,' - the cubes put me in mind of OXO (and having seen them close up they're not quite as geometrically uniform). And strictly speaking they are not 'faults' either since there's no stratigraphic displacement either side - they're localised expansion joints.

But poetic licence being what it is leave well alone... an enjoyable thought-provoking piece,

H

[Hawkman]

Hi hill, and thanks for reading and commenting. I like your reading of the action men, off roaders, and of course there is the military use of the moor which was at the back of my mind when writing. I was aware of the irregularity of the cubes, but writing, "irregular weathered cubes," would have spoiled the flow a bit :D I think we could argue the point over faults as well. The "expansion joints" form when water permeates the rock through cracks, or faults, and freezes. Over time they are rounded off on the edges by erosion. However, it's a pedant's argument ;)

Thanks again for reading and enjoying.

Live and be well - H