scribere iussit amer

[The_Infidel]

i have recently picked up a thing for poetry, and have been looking for a place were i can share the poems i wrote, among people who might beable to relate or share this new passion of mine i have never shared them with anybody, or anything this poem is about someone who i have lost due to inanity im not sure if its classifed as a poem actually but i wrote it none the less hope you enjoy

11/28/11

Splendor the internal external beast
has the valor of 10,000 beasts
the way he beats his lonley heart
makes him want to fall apart
torn asunder by abiding lust
falling down like a frozen chunk
landing hard with a thump
wishing he landed on fergies humps
not on an oak tree trunk
you are near and death is far
why cant he raise the bar
he raised the bar but way to far
incapable of love
unlike a turtle dove
splendor the internal external beast
does not have the valor of 10,000 beasts

[hillwalker]

Well - it looks like a poem... and there are bits here and there that rhyme, but so much of it made no sense to me that I couldn't share your feeling for losing someone. It's almost like there are 2 or 3 different bits of poems here that have been thrown together.

My advice, if you are planning to write more poetry,is treat rhyme very carefully. It has a habit of making one write nonsense - just look at

falling down like a frozen chunk
landing hard with a thump
wishing he landed on fergies humps ?????????
not on an oak tree trunk

These 4 lines make absolutely no sense - but they rhymes. Is that what poetry's all about? Of course not.

Rule number one, decide what you are trying to say and don't get sidetracked looking for words or phrases that rhyme. Poetry doesn't have to rhyme, and it takes skill to keep control of it.

Rule number two, keep it simple. I don't mean dumbing down, I mean don't throw in a whole load of 'poetic' metaphors :

10,000 beasts - the bar - oak trees - turtle doves

I can't see how these fit together in a poem about lost love. It's also difficult to identify who 'you' and 'he' correspond to in the poem. I'm assuming 'he' is some beast called Splendor (?) and 'you' is the person the poem has been written for; his lost love... but I could be off track.

It's a huge step posting your first effort on here so well done for that. You would do well to read other poetry on here to get a feel for what works best, and what doesn't. There are others who have also lost someone dear to them and expressed their raw emotions in poetry, not always an easy thing to do. Keep writing but also read as much as you can.

Good luck

H

[The_Infidel]

well first off i would like to say thank you for your input, that will help in the future, and im a guy lol not the girl i can break it down for you a bit, it still not might make sense to you, but it makes sense to me =P

so splendor is not the name but a description of this persons inner and outer beauty
hence splendor the internal external. the frozen chunk representing a cold heart that is breaking as it falls hard the oak tree is actually a movie about a soldier who when returns from war wants to live his life like before he left. but we all read about shell shock, flashbacks, and some even end up in hospitals cause they cant cope with the trauma. what the oak tree means to me is that after heartbreak, or even deciet you cant go back to the way it was, your outlook on that person will change, how can you trust or even enjoy the time spent with them after they screw you over and take everything away from you. wishing i landed on fergies humps sounds funny, i wished i landed on fergies humps rather than a fergie fail cause in the long run im the one who is to blame, im the one who is the *** hole.

the 10,000 beasts have more courage than just one beast i thought this person had the courage to accept the fact that he is not right for her. he also being the one who couldn't raise the bar left his family to sleep with her best friend. but he found a way to raise it high enough to decieve her, he did raise the bar too high cause obliv. he cant handle having a family and he is in over his head. and by him being incapable of love due to his unpure and dirty actions, the turtle doves being a symbol of pure love, friendship and devotion.

as i said above, it still might not make sense to you but this means something to me i understand what i am saying, i hope this clears a little bit up. and again thanks for reading and the input i will use it and wont let it go to waste

[evansan7]

I think "fergie's humps" is a reference to the pop star Fergie's songs "My Humps" hillwalker. :) That and the mention of his abiding lust in the following lines makes me wonder if the person lost developed an obsession for a celebrity. To me that line about Fergie confused the tone of the poem. The rest of it seemed like a somber serious reflection, while the pop reference seemed tongue in cheek.

While I have never lost someone to insanity, I do have a family member who estranged herself from the rest of us due to an eating disorder, so I can empathize with the many different and often contradictory feelings it brings up. There is sometimes a desire to point out how absurd it actually is on one level, which is the tone I got from the Fergie line. But there is also the deep sadness and loss.

To me your ending and closing lines were trying to convey the idea that the splendor your lost one thinks he is in seems so epic and is totally consuming to his life (the opening lines) but from the outside you can see that it is not true (the closing lines). I think these are some great ideas you are trying to convey and you should not give up!

Just ask yourself what exactly it is you want to convey of your feelings in the poem. I would try hillwalker's suggestion and rework this without worrying about rhyme. That will allow you to pick the best word to match your thoughts rather than being forced to choose something just so it rhymes.

[hillwalker]

Aha.

Thank you for expressing more clearly what the elements of the poem mean to you. Fair enough. It does make some sense now.

But unless you're writing this purely for personal pleasure (and the fact that you posted it on here suggests you are not) you need to help your readers understand it more clearly without recourse to footnotes or lengthy explanations. The poem should do it all for you.

The obvious way is to choose less convoluted metaphors. I defy anyone to equate 'the oak tree' with a soldier returning from combat suffering post-combat syndrome. I assumed it was just a hard object he fell on when he realised his partner had dumped him.

'Fergies humps' I still don't get. Who or what is Fergie?

Anyway - keep writing. But bear in mind that just because you know what you are trying to say, that doesn't necessarily mean everyone else will be on your wavelength.

H

[The_Infidel]

lol i am the guy not the girl

[The_Infidel]

but non the less i also thank you for you input and taking the time to comment, and i dont plan on stoping, this is the best form of empathy i have found since i left highschool lol i miss playing sports that was my out, now its my journal, since i found it i have been less angry and i learn stuff about my self i never knew

[The_Infidel]

yeah, that does make alot of sense i hear you loud and clear, i guess its more like that cause like i said i never showed anybody, they were originally for my eyes only, and fergie is just a singer and "humps" well by the song are refering to her chest, and backside that went with the fergie fail but my writeing can only get better from all the input, and critisism constructive, or even just people saying that was lame brother

[evansan7]

Oh, you must have posted your explanation while I was typing my response, so I only just saw it! With your description, I do feel the poem makes much more sense. There seems to be a huge backstory and a complex personal meaning in almost every line. It can be hard to know what things make sense due just to personal experience and when they are clear to readers. I think that's probably the idea of posting and getting feedback, and that was certainly my hope in coming here.

[AuntShecky]

This one, the Latin title notwithstanding, should go back to the ol' drawing board.

For instance, there are numerous errors, not the least of which is the lower-case "i." Also, the cardinal rule about rhyme (which yours truly learned in a quite humiliating way) is that it seldom works in free (i.e. unmetered) verse, unless your name is Ogden Nash.

Please take a look at this link, if you have time:

Auntie's Poetry Manifesto (http://www.online-literature.com/forums/showthread.php?t=35382)