Elephant Graveyard

[Baxter]

The Grave Behind Your Breast - The Baxter

your heart
is an elephant graveyard
great beasts come here to die

when they grow tired
they come to your heart
they live a little
and then
they die

sometimes when you aren't paying much attention
you stumble into the graveyard and cry
you mourn the dead you used to know

they have incredibly intact skeletons
unchanged from when their bodies left here
in a slow, painful decay

i know this because
when i enter your heart
i must step over their brittle bones

there is history here
sometimes i feel intrusive
because i didn't know them in life

i didn't even know this place existed
until just recently

you tell me about how great each beast was in life
but to be honest
im more interested in how they died
and how i can avoid suffering the same demise

after all

your heart is an elephant graveyard

i don't want to end up a bundle of bones
like the rest
i'd like to make it out of here alive

[hillwalker]

A really interesting piece and a clever analogy relating the 'ghosts' from a lover's past as carcasses in the graveyard she carries inside her.

It might benefit from some careful trimming - the firsr 3 verses look as if you were finding your way into the poem rather than writing what you intended to say. But a fascinating read all the same.

H

[evansan7]

I loved these lines:

"i know this because
when i enter your heart
i must step over their brittle bones"

and

"you tell me about how great each beast was in life
but to be honest
im more interested in how they died"

Really great imagery and a great metaphor! I did feel that some words were repetitive and could be edited out. For instance, your use of "heart" in the second stanza and "graveyard" seemed a little redundant as I felt the first stanza set the scene up just fine. It feels like you have the words in there for flow, or are using repetition for dramatic effect. But I felt the one line repetition of "Your heart is an elephant graveyard" toward the end of the poem accomplishes that well, and other repetitions seem to detract rather than add to it. I would suggest the second stanza could just read:

"when they grow tired
they come
they live a little
and then
they die"

Etc. I loved the metaphor. Great idea, and I think with a little bit of tweaking it will be even better!

[AuntShecky]

The scientific understanding and metaphoric extension of the concept of an
elephant's graveyard is not exactly a fresh one; however, I have no doubt of the genuine feelings behind this one, expressed earnestly. A heartfelt personal journal entry, to be sure, not yet a completely realized poem, which could be approached with further developing the imagery and form.

Please avoid using the lower case for the word "I."

For a highly original take on the elephant in a beautiful poem, try this:

"Washing the Elephant" by Barbara Ras (http://www.newyorker.com/fiction/poetry/2010/03/15/100315po_poem_ras)

[blank|verse]

Yes, it's a nice idea but the execution lets it down somewhat. Definitely one to keep chipping away at though, Baxter.

[Baxter]

I'm impressed with how quickly the forum reads and responds to new work, specifically this section of the forum. Bravo!

H and evansan7: You two seem to be saying the same sort of thing - It's a good first draft, but it requires some trimming. Your suggestions are very helpful because I write poetry to be read and am only now realizing, as I post on the forum and am turning work in to a teacher, that there are some differences in a poem's best form visually and when spoken. So, thank you.

AuntShecky: Perhaps I have not read enough poetry to know that this concept is, or is becoming, trite. You also say that the poem is not yet a completely realized poem. Could you be more specific (What is keeping this from being a complete poem / what needs to be added or removed)? Finally, what is the rationale for always capitalizing the word 'I' in a poem?

I, myself, feel as though the ordering of the stanzas could use some work. If you have specific suggestions regarding that, (or anything else, for that matter) I need you to post them on here.

Thanks again!

[Buh4Bee]

I find it to be an effective poem that is enjoyable to read. Thanks for sharing.

[hillwalker]

You ask for more specific feedback regarding the order of the stanzas.

It depends how you want to reveal the gist of your poem. Do you come out and state right at the beginning that her heart is an elephant’s graveyard or reveal the image as the poem unfolds? Personally I’d be wary of giving away too much of the game so early in the piece.

Certainly the opening 2 stanzas could be combined into a single, tighter verse.

V. 3 and the opening line sometimes when you aren't paying much attention – is a weak rather prosey line. And on first reading it can be interpreted two ways since ‘you’ could be the narrator musing about himself or indeed anyone else wandering into the graveyard. Which makes me wonder might it be better to change the entire perspective of the piece – ‘you’ becoming ‘her/she’… something to consider if you’re re-drafting.

Another cut worth making – ’they have incredibly intact skeletons – the adverb is a meaningless word that adds nothing to the image and the statement could be reworded more elegantly I believe.

The crux of the poem is when the narrator enters her heart – this is the best part of the poem although the couplet:

i didn't even know this place existed
until just recently

is another bit of trivial prose adding nothing to the dynamic of the piece – as is ‘but to be honest’ in the following stanza.

Finally,


after all
your heart is an elephant graveyard
i don't want to end up a bundle of bones
like the rest
i'd like to make it out of here alive

This section unnecessarily repeats all that has gone before – the poem wouldn’t suffer if you removed it entirely. And by the very fact that you have identified the fate of your predecessors one can presume you wish to avoid meeting a similar ending.

As for ‘i’ over ‘I’ – it’s down to individual taste and not worth getting one’s knickers in a twist over in my experience.

H

[Baxter]

Thanks, H. You hit on all the points I had questions about.

I'll be sure to post the final product, so you guys can see how valuable all of your critiques are to me.